What The Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Vic's Picks Weekend Edition!

Quick story to start your Friday and then I gotta bounce. I got this sweet ass job, you see, one that I absolutely adore and it’s given me all this power that I didn’t know about? Like, I kinda remembered that on most days, I like to Do A Look™ and put together a cute outfit and hair and makeup instead of just rolling to work late in scumbag clothes with my grease stringles stuck under a hat, and this job is in the city like five minutes from my house and I’m all walking to work with coffee in my sassy travel mug and my hair bouncing around like it’s the opening credits of Maude, and I’m just fucking happy about it, get off my back.

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The world still sucks, though. To wit:

A few nights ago I was at a public establishment at which I often spend time because my friend works there and it’s close to my house. It’s later in the evening, pretty quiet, and I’m basically just there to pop in and say hi. So I grab her, we head to the front door to step outside and suddenly this dude goes, “Victoria.”

So I’m like, OK, this is it, the moment I get murdered or served with papers to come and do a maternity test (the kid is not my son!), but instead of that, this dude goes, “Abelard*... from Tinder.”

*not his real name, but a HILARIOUS name.

It’s been a minute since I’ve been on The Tinders, and it takes me a second to place why this douche would think I’d remember him. But then I was like, “oh, right, I remember, you’re the one who invited me to dinner and then stood me up.”

He’s like, “yeah… that’s me.”

Abelard not following through on plans and not communicating about it - “ghosting,” as The Youths call it - was kinda what put the final nail in the coffin of even my my half-hearted attempts at swiping, which were few and far between because Tinder is the worst and it can suck my dick and if I have to look at another middle aged dude who doesn’t take care of his body posed with a goddam Harley or a motherfucking fish, I’m going to actually go insane. -er.  Insane-er. More insane.

Anyway, we go outside, where he proceeds to apologize and explain that he’s just super depressed and he shouldn’t be dating because he’s so fucked up but do I want to make out? Meanwhile, my friend is in the corner with a shit eating grin on her face, because this is so dumb and hilarious.

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I tell this dude, no, bruh, I don’t wanna make out. He says he’ll buy me a drink. I’m poor, so yes, sure, buy me a drink. Now I have to talk to him while I drink it because I’m not a monster, and I gotta say, man, from the bottom of my heart, I am fucking sick to death of white dudes. “I’m just really struggling with depression, I have a hard time… I love Kendrick Lamar… what time do you have to work in the morning?... I moved here after my divorce… wanna come over and listen to some music?”

And I’m just like… ok, look, MY DUDE, what music could you POSSIBLY play for me that I haven’t heard, you normcore piece of boring. Like, you’re acting like it’s some kind of fucking gift that you’re inviting me back to your shitty divorcecore apartment, to “listen to music,” which translates to “so I can try to fuck you - badly and narcissistically - before passing out because I’m too drunk, while you figure out how to get an uber since it’s so late at night.”

Like, dude, come on. NO. No. That doesn’t sound fun for me at all. It’s so needy and self-obsessed and gross it gave me a Puke, Jr.™ just thinking about it all again just now. You’re almost 40 years old. Grow the goddam fuck up.

So he’s like, “just come over tonight,” and I go, “I will not.”

“Why?”

“Because I like myself.”

MIC DROP, you dumb slut. Plus, JOKES BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN LIKE MYSELF, but I like myself ENOUGH to avoid your dumb ass. Realize there’s another PERSON in front of you, not just a sentient vagina who can make you forget how sad and empty your life is for thirty seconds. You can just buy one of those online, I think and I know they have a name but I can’t think of it right now and I don’t feel like googling it. Also, that's not my job. It's not my job to make you feel better. Learn to fucking do that for yourself. God I fucking HATE being treated like a THING. I mean unless it's consensual and negotiated in advance and involves me wearing handcuffs or similar and you bringing me fried chicken and telling me I did a good job after. 

We all have our stuff. Don't be so judgy.  

Anyway, kind of related, I was talking to my pal from NYC last night and she said this:

Life is a real fucking shitty mess, and there are only tiny little moments of non-shittyness and those somehow justify life as a whole. The fact that we have to struggle through everything, that’s all we got to keep going on. If we didn’t have these little wins every now and then, how would we keep going on? Moments from now things could get shitty again. Treasure what you can.

Girl. TRUTH. 

Friday February 23

Dave Gutter (Rustic Overtones, PSC) is at Bayside Bowl with Will Bradford (SeepeopleS, TheWorst). This is a free, all-ages show with two of Portland’s best songwriters and most accomplished performers. Dave and Will are the real thing.

Xylouris White, the duo of Cretan lute player George Xylouris and Australian drummer Jim White, are with Portland songwriter/performer Asa Irons at SPACE Gallery.

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Songwriter/performers Krister Rollins and Nic Robes are doing a new thing at Empire called NITECAP! It’s a variety show combining comedy, interviews and music. This first installment - which is free and being recorded live - features comedian Josh Day, a conversation with rapper Spose and music from Pretty Sad

For the rest of Friday night, check out the Calendar.

Saturday February 24

New(ish)comers Beautiful/Weird are at Stroudwater Distillery with Ciel Roi early from 6-8. Texas Grace Kitchen will be there slinging barbecue as well.

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KGFREEZE are releasing their new Initiator album at PHOME with Mouth Washington, Burr and $300. Mouth Washington doesn’t play around too much these days, so get there early enough to see them.

Onyx, they of the hit 1993 single “Slam,” are at Oxbow for the Hip Hops series they do. Additonal performances by Alyssa Marie and Milez Grimez, Ben Shorr & DJ Myth, B. Aull, Sea Level (Dan Capaldi and Zack Jones) and Party Killer (Graphic Melee & Ill Murray).  

For the rest of Saturday night, check out the Calendar.

Sorry no video this week guys. I love you. Choose Satan.