Let’s talk about my midlife crisis. I think I’m having it. Is it like a menopause situation, like some kind of slow creep where you start to find more hair on your chin and wake up sweaty sometimes ten years before it actually starts in earnest? Or do you just, like, have something happen and you’re suddenly totally untethered and you wake up one day all like, well what now, dicks? What in the actual fuck do I do now?
I suspect it can go either way, depending on who you are.
Here’s the thing, like, most people in mid-life are married with kids, mortgage, dull job with ridiculously high pressure, etc. So it feels like the common crisis is this feeling of being trapped, like there’s so much more out there to do and people just feel overwhelmed by their responsibilities and debts and just wanna break free.
I, however, am just fucking exhausted and feel the exact opposite way. Like, I have done so many drugs, I have had most of the kinds of sex there are to have, I have seen a gazillion rock shows and operas and musicals and experimental theater productions, I’ve been to a bunch of countries and lived in different cities and spent time with all kinds of people, I’ve eaten weird shit like glands and bugs and cuisine made in a dirty cart and cuisine made by Michelin star chefs, I’ve met and had conversations with super famous people and homeless people and all the other kinds of people, I’ve been on boats and planes and the back of a horse and a helicopter this one time and I’ve even scaled mountains using just my feets. I’ve had all kinds of jobs and have made my way in the world according to my rules and my rules only, with no compromises.
But... I kinda fucked up the whole, like, finding close relationships thing. And I’m realizing more and more that relationships are kind of like… I mean maybe they’re the only reason life is worth a bother. STUPID, STUPID GIRL.
If I think about it, I probably did all this ridiculous stuff just to prove that I could, that I didn’t have to listen to the messaging that I needed to be a certain way and do certain things to succeed. “Oh, a writing degree, are you going to be a teacher?” Nah bitch, I’m gonna go curse and make fun of idiots on the internet and be a Gif Lord, get the fuck out of my face.
I was probably pretty mad at my father, and my mom was always like, “go, be independent, you gotta get the fuck outta here or the bastards are gonna take you down” and I kinda was like I’M RIGHT ON TOP OF THAT, ROSE! (my mom’s name was Rose too, so that quote works on multiple levels, which really pleases me)
But anyway, back to US. I’m about to be real vulnerable with y’all here in a second, so like, be gentle if you decide to post mean comments or whatever. So I got laid off and I’m trying to figure out what to do next, and I know I will figure it out because I’m not a fucking dumbass, but I just really wish I didn’t have to do it by myself all the time. I wish I knew someone who also knew me well, who could be like, “based on our shared history, that’s a bad/good/weird idea.” I wish someone could just do the fucking grocery shopping or deal with the trash for once. I wish I had had someone to call the other day when my car stuff got all fucked up, like, that person in your life who will stop what they’re doing and come help you out if you get a flat or get bad family news or go wait with you in a waiting room at the hospital and not talk because who the fuck wants to talk when you’re waiting to find out if someone you care about is OK.
I mean there’s a word for this feeling of longing I’m talking about, and that word is lonely. There are a million ways to feel lonely, and so many of us feel lonely among our nearest and dearest for sure. It’s so easy and commonplace to feel this way because our culture has found so many ways to isolate us and box us in so that we don’t rely on each other for strength. And nobody talks about it because it’s seen as sad and pathetic and it’s hard to acknowledge that. But you guys know me, I’m always happy to announce to the entire fucking world how sad and pathetic I am. I mean I just think there's a certain honor in 'fessing up.
And single women, generally, are very demonized, like I’m out there constantly trying to steal a husband. Please. I’ve spent my entire goddam life trying to avoid and de-escalate drama, you think I’m trying to get embroiled in some affair shit? I barely have the energy to sneak from my bed to the fridge for snacks at 7 at night, let alone sneak around in a tiny town with someone’s fucking asshole cheating piece of shit husband. It’s SO WEIRD that you think I think so little of myself that that would be "my deal,” as the kids say. I mean, doncha think?
So, regardless of all that messy noise, my point is this. Midlife crisis: I’m having one. Person to call when shit gets bad: would like to have one. A plan for achieving this or any real skills with which to achieve this: I do not have those. How do you get those? Can I pick them up at Reny’s? Maybe they’re prime eligible on Amazon… like, what, what do I do? What skills do I need? WHAT EVEN ARE THEY, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
Dude. I'm supposed to ROCK, obviously. Why are we even here?
Me, trying to figure out how humans “relationship:”
See, this is why you just buy a corvette and join the hair club for men when you’re having a midlife crisis. It’s so much less stressful to spend money and distract yourself with stuff than to like, come up with a solution to your problems.
Friday February 2
Port City Music Hall is launching their first monthly First Friday Happy Hour from 5-8 during the art walk. Sort of a variety show mixing visual and performance art with music, it’s a free event and this first iteration hosts JanaeSound and Renee Coolbrith, Myles Bullen and KGFREEZE, who has a new album coming out in the near-ish future, I think. Fenimore will be on hand to DJ as well. There are also many artists displaying their works, and the bar will be open as well so you can wash your week away in a steady stream of vodka tonics before you stumble home, eat a couple of bowls of Captain Crunch and pass out until 2pm on Saturday, dreams filled with images of ennui and frustration the hallmarks of America in 2018.
Anyway, you can find me at this event working the merch table, so come say hi if you’re in the neighborhood art walking.
There is a new brewery called Goodfire and Tim Bergeron is playing at it tonight.
Corrosion of Conformity is at Aura tonight, and they’re signing shit at Bull Moose earlier in the day.
Darlin Corey and Josephine County are at Blue. This is yer bluegrasses and yer ladiez of bluegrasses. Akela Moon and Clara Junken are at Bayside Bowl. Flask has LOVE. Empire has their Throwbacks dance party.
The Wood Brothers are at the State Theater. I don’t know too much about their music other than that it’s southerny feeling acoustica, but I loved that song Postcards from Hell song and that middle Wood Brother with the long hair has that Mike Rutherford Afghan hound look I really crave in a rock star.
Le Vent Du Nord is at OLS and their music is described as being a part of “Quebec’s progressive francophone folk movement,” which I didn’t even know was a thing. It’s sold out though, so other hipper people obviously know it’s a thing.
The Apohadion has an interesting little weird show with Nuit Nile, Dry Socks and The Land of Enchantment.
Superorder, Color Hex and Knife Worship are at Geno’s. I loved Superorder and Color Hex at the Phoenix Awards at SPACE, they were both awesome, and I love Color Hex’s ladysinger. No idea what Knife Worship is, but it sounds kinky and I am IN.
Saturday February 3
Go to SPACE Gallery to enjoy “Revival of Somali Culture,” a night of spoken word, poetry, music, fashion, performance, dance and more that focuses on Somali culture here and away. This show benefits the Somali Mainers Youth Alliance.
The MAMM Slam open mic and Desperate Man’s Blues Explosion are at PHOME.
The Black Veil Brides and Asking Alexandria are at State Theatre.
A band named Birdgangs is playing at Live at 212, and I’m stopping there because that is an excellent band name and I want to marry everyone in that band. Interloc, Clapping in irons and Fules Gold are also on the bill, but who cares because BIRDGANGS. To continue yer heaviez, Apollyon, Hell Bent, Exclave and Megog are at Geno’s.
King Kyote, Troy Ramey and Joel Thetford are at Empire. Yer Americanaz.
Aura has a Bob Marley birthday show with Mighty Mystic. Yer reggaez.
Port City Saints, The Long Year, Last Place, Among Shadow are at Flask. Yer punkz.
TMM duo is at Oasis. I don’t know why I’m including this, nobody who reads this thing will even consider going to that. What is it, exactly? Who knows, because the only description reads “It's your favorite duo back at it again!” FUUUCCKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUU.
Sunday February 4
It’s the fucking Superbowl, idiots, enjoy watching your violent war reenactments performed by mostly poc athletes exploited by a system owned and controlled by mostly extremely wealthy white men, who make their money off of the backs of those poc athletes. I do not understand all you people who are super "woke" or whatever you want to call it but still love football.