What The Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Post-Labor Day Murder Bait Weekend Edition!

GREETINGS TO YOU, NEO-MAXI-ZOOM-DWEEBIES!

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Labor Day happened, and frankly, it came too soon didn’t it. It rained all goddam June and then there were like 30 seconds of summah in July and then August did us dirty with an early fall. Fuck you, August.

It is, of course, my Labor Day tradition now (because I’m 99% sure I posted this AT LEAST last year, if not also the year before) to ruminate on how “Fashion Has Changed!” and you no longer have to worry about what color shoes you wear after Labor Day, lest you get murdered by Joan Wilder while using a payphone. So enjoy and REMEMBER: fashion has NOT changed, PUT YOUR WHITE SHOES AWAY FOR THE SEASON. 

“HAHAHAHHAHAHA WHAT’S A PAYFONEZ?” - Snapchat Users

But we’re back from vacation and that’s ok! And with the advent of cooler weather, my vicious fire has been restored to its original, Lovecraftian, hell-dimension strength. So I’m real salty today. LET’S MAKE FUN OF FUCKING EVERYBODY, it has been a minute, and we all deserve it for the world being so fucking terrible. Here:

Friday September 8

Fucking Forget, Forget are releasing their new album at Empire tonight. Here’s the thing about pop music, it requires aesthetic AND structure. You can’t have one without the other, and Tyler and Patia know that. Forget, Forget’s music gives us some great pop tunes, but their soundscape is immensely beautiful as well. Heartbreaking? Possibly, if you’re me and you’re always wistful/sad about something. Simultaneously bouncy? Also that, like a musical bounce house. I love the #styleinspo these guys take from ultra-popular pop (Maroon 5, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, all that shit that everyone hates but everyone LOVES and brushes their teeth to in the morning - yeah, I seen you), but it’s not that. It’s a metaphysical take on pop, and it’s also really loving. Just fucking come out and see them already you’ll know what’s good.

Rigor Samsa and Battery Steele are at Bayside Bowl. Free and all ages, for all you parents out there who want your kids to know how to rock so they’re not total dinks when they get to high school.

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Henry Jamison and Gracie and Rachel w/s/g Tall Horse are at One Longfellow Square. I think it’s weird that this bill is “with special guest”-ing Tall Horse. Tall Horse are doing pretty well here, why not just add them to the bill in earnest? It feels passive aggressive, like, y u mad tho? DON’T OVERSHADOW US, TALL HORSE, OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES. So much eeegggooooooo in the muuuusssic industryyyyy! Like, calm down. Maybe you’re not the most important person in the room today. Parents, can y’all start teaching your kids that they’re not always the most important person in the room even if they’re like, related to some dude who hung out with Chaucer in 14th century England? Oh wait, sorry, I mean “Chuacer.” OH THE SWEET SWEET SCHADENFREUDE I FEEL WHEN SOMEONE MISSPELLS THEIR OBNOXIOUS LITERARY NAMECHECK. MMMmmm! Delicious. So good. May I have another?

Slab has Sassquatch, a band I’ve still never seen because I just… cannot with their band name. They’re always around. It’s like I’ve had to work to avoid them. Trust me, though, I’m not working that hard at anything in my life.  

LT Smooth, Signed Anonymous, Warren McPherson, and Xander Nelson are playing a benefit for the Heart of Maine Music Academy at PHOME tonight.

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OK and next up is figuring the fuck out what Blue has tonight, because there are always like 34 separate facebook invites on any given night at Blue because there’s no true bill and it’s every band for themselves to make that sweet sweet Blue ambush cash. Like, WE GET IT, you’re trying to pretend you’re the Blue Note or whatever (though I can tell you right now that the entire state of Maine doesn’t even have enough cockroaches for Blue to ever be the Blue Note) because you have jazz once a week, but also mostly you just have my friends playing solo there, and then I’ll be sitting in the corner nursing a $14 cocktail and someone pops up out of the ether with a laundry hamper sized fucking basket and asks me for $20 for someone that probably owes me AT LEAST that much money at any given time. Please. Unless there’s a blanket and enough space for me to curl up for a nap in that hamper, I’m good.

Also, it’s very easy to find what’s at blue, just go to their web site. I just wanted to do that rant and it didn’t work without the lack of cohesive fb invites as a suitable-enough entr’acte. OK.

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The second fundraiser for beloved human Elijah True is at Apohadion tonight. It’s Cushing, 300 Calories ($300?), id m theft able, Old Night and FCC, which is members of Ossalot, Cuss and Fur. I have nothing snarky to say about this because I’m not made of wood, I have a fucking heart and I’m happy these people are coming together to help another member of their community. Jesus christ.

Rexy and the Bones are at Dogfish, Plague has their Men without Pants edition, which surely portends a high volume of kilts and some delicious Man Hams (that’s the upper thigh, for those of you who aren’t hip to the slang I only use in my head and never out loud because it’s gross and objectifying), Flask has their house/techno night Foundation with a DJ from Nantucket (there must be a dirty limerick for that), there’s a queer dance party at Zero Station, and Salvage BBQ has Cajun Aces. 

Saturday September 9

Apohadion has MV & EE, Ash and Herb and Bongwish, which, if I’m being honest, reading the lineup description for this show reminds me of the post-hipster version of that scene from Parks and Rec in which Leslie is on a public radio station and when her interview is done they cut to Leslie introducing the next track from “Lesbian Afro Norwegian Funk Duo Nefertiti’s Fjord.” I know that makes me uncool, and out of touch, or whatever, but I’m just… too tired to figure out what the fuck “free dankazoid jam fiction” is. It’s cool that you like it tho.

The Pubcrawlers are crawling back… into… a pub? sorta? for tonight’s show at Bayside Bowl with the Pourmen. So you guys like booze, huh. 

It is with great sadness that I tell you that Laura Vanilla and Barfhorse are hanging up their mucous-covered hats and giving us the last SLIME dance party at Flask for a while. Sad. But life changes and things happen and bitches gotta be doing it for themselves, amirite. So we salute you, LV+B, and we hope you will be sailing the slippery sea of primordial ooze into the future of your dreams!

80’s cover band The Awesome are at PHOME, Blue has jazz, Salvage BBQ has King Memphis, Dogfish has something called Snug House, Americana solo artist Shelly Waters is at Andy’s Old Port, Reggae band A Mighty Lion is your bejelloshotted hookup soundtrack at Amigos tonight, aaannnnddd… that’s it? Ok, I mean, slim pickens, I guess. What happened, Portland, did we tear each other apart and go so hard on “bringing down” the music venues in town that nobody is willing to play or go see any shows anymore? GREAT JOB. Because nobody has made any mistakes ever, so it’s cool to hold a lifelong grudge. Whatevs.

Sunday September 10

Diet Cig, Ratboys and REGI RKT are at SPACE, you can go daydrink with Native Isles at Rising Tide, and the pickers will be out on the porches at Deering Center Porchfest today - incidentally, this seems super cool and I will be out there doing it, so come join me and I’ll mix you a street drink. Wait, what? I mean THERE’S NO DRINKING on the streets of this fine hamlet of Portland, Madam, get right out of here.

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Alright, look, like I said earlier, I’m salty right now, I have nothing else for you! Get out of here! Just go! Leave me alone don’t look at me! It’s just too hard right now for me to tell you not to drink and drive, no not ever, not even once, and to tip your servers and your bartenders and tip them well because service wages are lower than minimum wage, and be kind and be good and I will be kind and I will be good until I hear your name whispered on the wind - it’s a sound that makes me cry! I hear a song blow again and again through my mind, and I don’t know why! I wish I didn’t feel so strong about you, like happiness and love revolve around you, because trying to catch your heart is like trying to catch a star! So many people love you, baby, that it must be what you are! Waiting for a star to fall and carry your heart into my arms, that’s where you belong in my arms baby yeah!!!