Life Hacks, AMIRITE you guys?! Things are so busy in our lives, it’s always helpful to find ways to get around annoyances or to speed things up by working efficiencies - life hacks - into our day to day routines. If you’re anything like me, you’re battling a thick sense of existential dread EVERY DAY. Sometimes it makes it hard to go to work, or hard to even go out to dinner with a pal and keep a smile on your face! Where's the comfort?! I DON'T KNOW! So here our team of life hackers at HOT TRASH Worldwide Headquarters have come up with five Totally Amazing DIY Life Hacks to beat that Existential Dread that will 100% blow your mind! Try these five weird tricks to change your day from Existential Dread into Existential CONFIDENCE (you try rhyming “dread” with something good. Existential Banana Bread? Existential Bloodshed? I mean…). Let's go!
Existential Dread Life Hack #1: Staycation? How about FLAYcation!!
You know how you get up every morning, unrested and stressed out from the horrors of your dead-end job, your face all rumpled and dried out after a tumultuous 6 hours (if you’re lucky!) of nightmares about your teeth falling out and of being flung to your death out of broken roller coasters? That’s when existential dread is at its ripest, and you can repurpose it into a really awesome life hack! Here’s how to make the most of this abundant harvest: first, don’t turn your alarm off! The incessant beeping helps to bring out the succulence of all of that latent anxiety you’re growing just by being a human being these days! Turn on the radio too - conservative talk radio will do nicely, perhaps a Glenn Beck or Steven Crowder, whatever old racists your local stations have to offer. Listen for a minute to the wealthy, shriveled-dick, out of touch white supremacist until you just can’t take it anymore. Then, walk slowly and with great effort to your bathroom medicine cabinet. Stare deeply into your own eyes and remark to yourself - out loud if you’re feeling a little feisty this morning - how tired you look. How tired you are. How you deserve a vacation. Finally, lean back as far as you can go, then smash your face as hard as you can into that bathroom mirror! Genius, right? Call 911 or wake your spouse up and just ride the wave of blood and broken glass to a WHOLE DAY OFF OF WORK. Yeah! BOOM. LIFEHACKED.
Existential Dread Life Hack #2: Build That Wall!
It’s 3am and you just got home from your latest bullshit Tinder date. Things are looking BLEAK, girl. Your self-flagellation is in overdrive: “Why did I sleep with that two pump chump, he was mean and he smelled weird and also why did his dick look somehow… like it was frowning at me? Like it was grumpily robbing a bank with pantyhose over its head in some 80’s movie. How is that… how is that a thing? Are dicks just tiny people without arms and le--… wait, no, that’s not real, dicks aren’t, like, sex Kuato, gross dude.” You’re a little drunk from the seven $2 beers your date so generously bought you, and to top off the awesome, two floors down your super trashy neighbor has her window open and is scream-fucking someone who’s probably also terrible. You lumber off to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of rosé in the hopes of drinking yourself tired enough to pass out and forget about how awful dating and meeting other people generally are. You think to yourself, “if only I could just be a lone wolf, like, what if I just didn’t need anyone in my life. A loner. A rebel. Be free of all this hot mess.” Girl, have I got the craftiest life hack for you! Look behind your fridge, see all those wine bottles you’ve been meaning to recycle? Don’t - tap into your inner arts and crafts lover instead: the next time you have to pee, pee into one of those wine bottles. Fill that bitch UP, girl! Cork it, leave it in your living room, or maybe even near your front door. Grow your collection. Add ribbons to the bottles, or pour some glitter into them to make them SPARKLE! Bitch, instagram that shit! Never pee in a toilet if you can help it, sneak a couple empties to work with you, nobody will ever know if you carry the right purse! Stock your home full to the brim with piss-filled wine bottles. Name some of them if you can. “Todd. Gladys. Cloudybubbles Von Winedrinks, Esq.” Maybe even put googly eyes on, I don’t fucking know. Now, when you invite people over you won’t even have to say a word - those loser guys will be running for the hills and you don’t even have to have depressing sex to make it happen! No more Netflix and chill for you, QWEEN. Success! LIFEHACKED.
Existential Dread Life Hack #3: Play the Blotto Lotto!
This life hack is so simple to do, you won’t even believe it! When money is tight and you worry about how you only have $10 in your bank account, don’t panic, do this one strange trick instead. Just go to your nearest bank branch or ATM and take every last dollar out of your account. Next, go to the convenience store and buy as many powerball tickets as your money will allow; use any leftover change to buy 99￠Fireball nips that you’ll drink out in the parking lot while thinking about how you were “really gonna be someone” back in the day. Worried about money? Worry no longer! With this ONE STRANGE TRICK, you won’t have any money to worry about anymore! Freedom! See how easy it is? LIFEHACKED.
Existential Dread Life Hack #4: Break the Internet!
This next totally DIY Existential Dread Life Hack is one we can ALL use. It’s Friday night, and you’re home by yourself, lonely and depressed as usual, exhausted from a work week that throttled the very life out of your soul. Your back hurts, and you’re lying on the couch in your underwear, eating a whole pint of Halo Top because it’s good for you or something, right? You pick up your phone and start scrolling through Facebook. Your old college buddy just posted about how he’s so lucky to be celebrating his 5 year anniversary to the Best Wife Ever™, and your coworker is #blessed to be #livingherbestlife after her vinyasa yoga class. Your MAGA-loving cousin just bought his #dreamhouse and is excited to move in next week. All of your single friends are out together in sequined mini dresses posting selfies via instagram of the MOST AMAZING NIGHT OMG and you check your text messages to make sure you didn’t miss your invite (you didn’t, they didn’t invite you, you’re kind of a downer). Another buddy is posting about his art opening or his sold out album release party, your sorority sister is snapchatting her Hermes bag at some boutique hotel in Dumbo, and even your sister in law is posting about how her kids are the best and she’s #soproud of her oldest son getting YOUR dream job writing lifestyle pieces for the Washington Post. Gelatinous green envy bubbles up in your lungs and you can feel it choking your heart into a decaying shrivel of what it once was. But don’t let social media get you down! You just need a break - here’s how to get one. First, put some pants on, even though you don’t want to. It’s fine if they have an elastic waist, that ice cream has to go somewhere. Put your phone in your pocket and get in your car. Drive to the most remote wooded spot you can find, then hike out a few miles so you’re in the middle of nowhere. Look up at the beautiful night sky and marvel at how the stars are so bright when the city lights aren’t there to obscure them. Breathe the air and remember that you’re lucky to be alive. Then, put your phone on the ground. Bend down and pick up the biggest rock you can manage, and smash the shit out of your phone until it’s just a pile of plastic and aluminum dust. Gather up that dust and drive to your cousin’s new #dreamhome. Stand on the front lawn and arrange the phone dust into the words “Fuck You, You Soulless Imagecrafting Ding Dong.” Bend down and light the letters on fire, then stand back and admire your work. Hopefully you brought a backup phone with you so you can #latergram that shit when you get home. Feel better? I thought you might! So easy! LIFEHACKED.
Existential Dread Life Hack #5: Untuck Your Shit Just This One Time
This last totally awesome DIY Existential Dread Life Hack is 100% doable by all of us, for all of us. And it’s simply this: tell the people you care about that you care about them. You will feel better even if they react like a weirdo. The only reason they’re acting weird when you tell them that you care about them is because they’re not used to people telling them that they care about them because this life is so incredibly fucked that common human compassion is a premium service that most of us don’t allow ourselves to afford; because it makes us feel vulnerable. People are checking out left and right, we’re losing each other, we are completely shattered, and yet all we think about is protecting ourselves. It doesn’t have to be this way. Each time we say to someone we care about, “hey, just thinking of you, sending love,” or “dude, what’s up with you, you ok?” or even just literally going intenso-style and saying “hey, I want you to hear and comprehend that you are important to me, and you are loved,” you’re telling someone that you care. That person will feel better, and will maybe tell someone else that they care about them. And you’ll start this sweet chain reaction of love vibes through your community and it will be Right and Good. Also though, use your judgment. If you, for instance, find a tiki torch-wielding, bekhakied, dough-faced nazi roaming your neighborhood, DO NOT tell that person that you care about him. Punch him in the face. Kick him in the balls. Steal his wallet just on principle. Girls, use your pepper spray. Take his tiki torch and grab him by the ear and drag him to the police station and find the black officer and be like, “DUDE, Can we do something with this piece of shit?” DO NOT TELL NAZIS YOU CARE ABOUT THEM. Otherwise, though, DO tell people that you care about them. Non-racist nice people deserve it. And so do you, so I’ll take a risk here and tell you right now: I care about you. A lot. I know you don’t think that that can be true, but it IS true and I love you and want good things for you. I just want all the best stuff, all the stuff you want, to happen to you. Go out into the world and be confident, cuz we’ve got your back, kiddo.
Friday September 15
Lettuce, Percy Hill, Armies and Chali 2na are getting together for a show at the Maine State Pier to benefit Full Plates Full Potential.
Rising Tide has the Maine Marimba Ensemble accompanied by the Hakka Me food truck, so, that’s a thing right, people like their food from a truck for some reason?
Out behind Pizza Villa, go to Myles Bullen’s backyard concert with Bellatrix, Valley Rising and Lacuna.
Urban Farm Fermentory has a bunch of bands I’ve never heard of Big Fred, Tundrastomper, Uncle Spudd and Cratershout.
Andrew Bailie is at Slab.
OC and the Offbeats and Luniere are at Bayside Bowl.
Geno’s has a fun little Boston vs. Portland punk show with Port City Saints, Silver Screams, Michael Kane and the Morning Offers, Seasonal Disorders and OH THE HUMANITY. It’s only $5.
Aldous Harding, Wildflower and Artie Appleseed are at SPACE.
Michale Graves, Covered in Bees and The Crimson Ghosts are at Empire.
Saturday September 16
The Trey Anastasio Band is at Thompson’s Point tonight and Pardon Me, Doug, Maine’s most prolific and unnecessary cover band, are spending the day playing Phish tunes at Brick South. They’ll play around 4pm leading right up to the TAB show, then y’all can herd yourselves over to the show, watch it and then hustle right on back over to Brick South for sets that start as soon as TAB ends. Just typing that exhausts me. Someone get me a fleece blanket and a glass of orange juice.
Now look at this lovely thing that is precisely the opposite of the above: Hannah Daman and The Duke of Norfolk are playing at Frith Farm in Scarborough. Donation based, outside, all charming. Music starts at 7.
Roochie Toochie and the Ragtime Shepherd Kings are at Mayo Street Arts.
Yellow LedVedder, Portland’s only Pearl Jam tribute band, are breaking free of the confines of Amigo’s back deck to play a proper show at PHOME.
BRZOWSKI and C Money Burns, Billy Woods and Myles Bullen are at Bayside Bowl.
Candy Striper Death Orgy, Ascent to Power, Vendetta and Stillborn Condition are at Live at 212.
The Keeper Class, Time Out Timmy and The Spillers and The Hypotheticals are at Flask tonight.
Pigboat, Holy Filth and Boat Dares are at Geno’s. This is one of those shows where all of those people who so self-righteously vowed to NEVER SET FOOT IN GENO’S AGAIN will basically defend their decision to return with, “yeah but Pigboat is playing, so.” If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t ask. Sharks patrol those waters.
Gamma Goochies, Lug and Jonee Earthquake Band are at Mathew’s.
Sunday September 17
The lovely Bread & Circus are at Rising Tide from 1-4, Dark Hollow Bottling Company are at Blue at 6, and then your evening shows consist of Kevin Burke at OLS, The National Reserve and Chris Ross and the North at PHOME, and Ian Wayne, Coyote Island and Loblolly Boy are at Apohadion.