That’s right, it’s a breaking news day! Our characteristic Modus Operandi around these parts is - typically - to travel so far the fuck up my own fucking ruminative ass that I’ve installed a Service Plaza that has a Dunkin Goddam Donuts and a gift shop staffed by a local college kid up in there. You can literally get a Boston creme and a fucking coffee regular from my small intestine and use a high-powered Dyson Airblade hand dryer up near my Pyloric valve, because I didn’t skimp on high quality appliances in my Intestinal Service Plaza.
There’s some news to gnaw on, and like, maybe let’s just take a break and calm the fuck down with all the emotional bullshit and whining about life and make some good old fashioned jokes about stupid crap that nobody cares about. So anyway, sit back, put your feet up, grab a cold domestic beer in a can and let’s do this thing.
BREAKING NEWS REPORT!!
Dear readership, I am so proud to announce that here at HOT TRASH Worldwide Headquarters, we’ve been in negotiations for the past few weeks to bring on a new team member and launch a new arm of this illustrious cesspool of sacred filth. FOLKS, I am pleased to reveal to you the very nature of this endeavor. HOT TRASH: Portland! Is delighted to unveil our new ADVICE COLUMN, entitled:
Bullshit Love Advice You Won’t Listen To Anyway So Why Bother?
By Doc B!*
*not at all in any way a real doctor, not even a little bit.
Adding an advice column is something I’ve wanted to do forever, and I have recently come to know someone who wants to write one. MANIFESTING! (still working on a sewing machine, universe, could you get on that for me?) We had talked about it a little bit, but it became clear this past weekend when, after swimming under the starlit night sky in a tiny cove on a secluded lake and then clamoring up the rocks to dry off by the fire, Doc B so very generously listened and then advised me on some looming heart and pants feelings I have going on for a human adult, feelings that will likely blow up on me at the worst possible time, at which point I will retreat to my Cave of Humiliation (conveniently located right next to the DD in my colon, for easy access to shame treats and depression coffee OBVS), watch Bridesmaids, like, 40+ times and sob like a baby at the part where Melissa McCarthy says to Kristen Wiig “I don’t associate with people who blame the world for their problems. Because you’re your problem, Annie, but you’re also your solution,” listen to Lemonade a few times and then get back on the horse, because I’m a goddam Warrior Queen who cannot be stopped YOU HEAR ME WORLD?!?! BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME, IT’S ABOUT THE SOUND ADVICE OF DOC B, who boldly told me this sage piece of information: “relax and be honest.”
It’s so easy to forget those core threads of human truth, right. Relax and be honest. Doc B, you complete me. So this is why we will bring you the chill af advice of the good doctor at least once a month here at HOT TRASH, so we can all just goddam relax and be honest and hopefully hug/support/communicate/fuck more in a consensual, loving way.
Anyway, look, we need your help! Now soliciting questions! Join us here on the new contact page, and you can put your email address in there if you want a direct response when your question gets answered, but you don’t have to give us any identifying info at all - you can use a fake email and a fake name, whatever. All questions will be anonymized and scrubbed of details that might identify you in this small town and, look, I don’t judge, yesterday I listened to the episode of the Risk! Podcast in which a person talks about how he is turned on by looking at the muscles and tendons in anatomy books and one time his father served him - and he ATE - human meat and he loved it. Families, AMIRITE? Anyway, any and all relationship questions welcome: love, family, friends, coworkers, D/s, queer, straight, WHATEVER YOU GOT. This is nondenominational advice, nobody is going to tell you about fucking God or whatever the fuck, nobody is going to moralize on you. This is HOT TRASH, you dingalings, you know we encourage every kind of human-on-human love, whatever makes you feel good and gets you through it all. AS LONG IS THERE IS FUCKING MUTUAL CONSENT GODDAM IT HOW MANY TIMES DO WE NEED TO GO OVER THIS.
Ok. So, to review: Munchkins are on sale for half off at the DD in my ass, today only. I suck at matters of the heart, but Doc B does not. Submit your questions anonymously on the Contact Page. We good?
SPACE Gallery is turning 15 years old today, and you can go visit them during the art walk to sign their “humorously large card,” which: who is the card for? Also, I totally love that you find large things humorous. I DO TOO. Later that night they have The Huntress and Holder of Hands, Death Vessel and Micah Blue Smaldone.
Aura has Too Late The Hero, Roseview, Lions Lions and Acadia.
Mary Chapin Carpenter is at the State Theatre.
Live at 212 has Drivetrain, Battery Steele, Port City Saints and Torn in Two.
Hannah Daman and the Martelle Sisters are at OLS with The Western Den and Honeysuckle.
Bayside Bowl launches its new 18+ dance party series with Taproot Productions called HEATWAVE. The series kicks off with ill.gates (DJ names are becoming… almost as bad as band names) and guests. This is $20 at the door.
Mosart212 - who just wrote an amazing, hilarious and heartbreaking piece on the racial politics of the tv show The Bachelorette, go read it - and 32French are at Thirsty Pig on the deck for First Friday.
Also First Fridaying are the folks at Pinecone and Chickadee, opening their art show Hi Fi: A Tribute to 80’s Music during the art walk.
Also, Beltek is this weekend, and it’s the last one. Another end of an era, I suppose. Go read their goodbye letter in the event invite.
The Outsiders Punkabilly Rebels are at PHOME tonight with The Teledynes and Dressed For The Occassion.
B.Good has a songwriters night with Monique Barrett, Dustin LaVasseur and Jeff Christmas. Blue has Okbari, Evan King and Darlin’ Corey. Salvage has Pete Witham and the Cozmik Zombies. Dogfish has Travis J. Humphrey for happy hour and then Mel and the J Tones at 8.
Saturday August 5
Oxbow is hosting ska legend Chris Murray (King Apparatus, the Slackers) with El Grande and a mysterious “special guest.”
There’s a house show tonight wherein they’re playing a bunch of Tom Waits covers. YES.
Alabama Shakes is at Thompson’s Point tonight, but it’s sold out, you dummy. If you wanted to go why didn’t you get tickets earlier? Brittany Howard was mean to a friend of mine once and that has soured me on them, but it’s cool if you go, I won’t hold it against you.
The Apohadion Theatre has Colby Nathan/Caethua, Big Blood and Village of Spaces.
Exmaid, Psychic Teens and The Tarantula Brothers are on the roof at Mathew’s tonight.
Good Charlotte is at Aura.
Flask has a new wave dance party tonight.
Nuclear Bootz, Gwynne and the Tonics and Korovyov are at Bayside Bowl.
Holy Filth, Tovarish, Earthworm Von Doom and Megog are at Geno’s.
Riverton Diesel is on the patio at Amigos.
What Cheer? Brigade, Birthing Hips and Hi Tiger are at SPACE Gallery.
Wait, Harbor Lights and Cape Cannons are at Empire.
Uncut Pages are at B.Good.