What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Old Port Festival Weekend Edition!

O HAI EVERYBODY!

This weekend is the Old Port Festival, and I have some advice for you: don’t go!

Sorry, but Robert Downey, Jr.'s red fucking shorts suit and giant cigar are my fucking everything. Everything else can just go away. 

There is a lot going on. People will be in the city who don't belong in the city. They won't know where they are going or how to get there. They will wander, slowly, in large packs, like they have nowhere to fucking be. Parking will be terrible. In fact there will be no parking. Ubers will have surge pricing (if Uber makes it through the PR nightmare of their mass beheadings, but also fuck Uber because they're disgusting people). Unless you are planning on going to one of the Mathew’s parties or something on the west side, I suggest you get the fuck out of town. Go to the beach or some shit or whatever you people do when it's sunny.  

Friday June 10

There’s this thing at 6 called a Square Hop and Window Walk which is basically just outdoor performers of all types. The Marimba jam or whatever it’s called looks sweet, but the unfortunate thing about stuff like First Friday and this Square Hop is that all the things I love about them (cool art, music, culture) are overshadowed by the major thing I hate about them (slow moving clots of tourists and Youths™).

Fat Knuckle Freddy is at Blue just a wee hour prior to when El Malo is at Blue, where your hippie friends will dance and pay too much for cocktails.

Harsh Armadillo is at PHOME, and my only advice for this band is that their band name is trying to be too clever. I’m no dummy, I love the idea of a discordant adjective to qualify your subject. For instance, the band name Iron Maiden gets this so, so right. But the reason Iron Maiden works is because when we think of a maiden, we think soft, flowery, perhaps weak, beautiful, and maidens have a place in pop culture and history at large, a “maiden” already conjures up deep imagery when we hear the word. To qualify her as “iron” means we take this concept and reveal something about it that is unexpected, but has truth to it. The soft, flowery maiden is now strong, tough and built to last. It goes past being ironic and becomes a deeper metaphor for feminine power. So with Harsh Armadillo, I ask you this: are armadillos inherently cheerful, pleasant or smooth? Does the general public already have preexisting conceptions of what “armadillo,” as an idea, is?  Armadillos are known for their tough exteriors, their suits of armor, so I’d almost think that maybe Silk Armadillo or Plush Armadillo, oooh OR OR OR what about Velvet Armadillo? Suede Armadillo? Ok, anyway, my point is, BANDS: put some thought into your band names. Call up your favorite word nerd and ask her. YEAH YOU HEARD ME EVERY POPULAR ASSHOLE I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THIS COULD BE US BUT YOU PLAYING.

You know what, I love this fucking meme so much let's just do one more.

OK OK I KNOW BUT JUST ONE MORE

Diane Cluck, Snaex and Plains are at SPACE. The Cyborg Trio are at Empire. The O’Harrows are at Dogfish. David Wilcox is at OLS.  

Foster the People are at the State Theatre. Look, I know y’all are expecting me to make fun of Foster the People, but I’ve seen them live and they kick ass. Yes, they’re kind of a one hit wonder, but their live show is real goddam good. I imagine this show got moved to the State from Thompson’s Point because ticket sales are low, but don’t let that deter you. If you don’t care what other people tell you you’re supposed to be enjoying, then take a chance on these guys.

Mathew’s is kicking off its weekend of Anti-Old Port madness with Damnation (Boston), The Labor Pains, Cover One Eye, Slow Coyote and The Long Year.

Pride also gets into full swing today with the flag raising at EQME and then later with their annual dance party at Grace. This year’s theme is Angels and Demons. My sorority used to have a rush week event called Angels and Demons wherein we decorated half the house as heaven and half the house as hell and had corresponding snacks and drinks on either side, but I went to NYU so my sorority’s “house” was a floor of a high rise dorm building and the whole thing was probably like 600 sf if that. Oh the 90’s, you lovable fever dream.

Saturday June 10

Ween is at Thompson’s Point. Look, you guys. I know you love Ween. We ALL love Ween. Olds, you know that liking Ween is no longer edgy, right? So you can just pipe down about loving Ween. Can we all just go and love Ween in peace at this thing? I feel like I’m constantly part of conversations about who loves Ween more. Loving Ween is like loving Phish in 1992, but if Phish were all the same age as they are now in 1992. That said, go in peace my friends, let’s all go love Ween, but we need to stop challenging each other about how much we love Ween. IT’S TEARING US APART!

For the past 6 years Mathew’s has had a two day anti-Old Port fest rooftop party, and it goes all day on Saturday and this year it has *deep breath* Giant Knife, Lyokha, MEGOG, $300, Trele the God, Brown Hanson, The Worst, Scarecrow’s Sad Songs, Lacuna, Bank of America, Mosart212, Ossalot, Turquoise Crown, Noah Brock, Teal Child, Korovyov, Buddusky, Tall Horse and Bright Boy. It’s $3 and it’s on a punk rock, DIY schedule, so don’t expect your favorite band to start on time, and also it will be bananas crowded, and the roof deck has no awning so you’ll either be sunburnt or rained on, and it’s cash only, but if you’re brave enough to jump in, you will be handsomely rewarded with fun and good things.

Is this show palliative care for those who are unable to make it to the Point Sebago Reggae Festival this weekend? PHOME has Roots, Rhythm and Dub with the band whose name I refuse to write because it’s so tone deaf and this is 2017, you have no excuses for ignorance anymore. If there’s one thing I’d love to see, it is an end to white people taking on characteristics of West Indian people to perform what is historically protest music bastardized to now just be “I like to smoke weed” music, but sung with an offensive accent. You can pay homage to a genre without totally becoming a caricature of the culture. The Police pulled it off. UB40 pulled it off. If you want to get up there in your dreadlocks and spout off about Jah, then maybe when you can explain to a crowded room the intricacies of the World Bank and IMF’s policies on Jamaica, and the on-the-ground effects of rampant unemployment, depressed wages and poverty on the health and sovereignty of the people who live there, and maybe even throw in who named the genre “reggae” without having to look it up on wikipedia, and you might have something. Otherwise, look elsewhere for shit to appropriate. Or, *GASP* maybe create your own shit.  

10 Days of Pride continues tonight with the Outright Prom at SPACE with DJ Red Tide. It’s ONLY for kids 14 to 22, and it’s substance free. Keep it safe.     

Kindling, KGFREEZE and Amiright? Are doing a house show at Poland Street. Live at 212 has Port City Saints, Zukie Fury, The Prozacs, Chanticlear and The Hangovers. Local Heroes Laura Vanilla and Barfhorse have their Slime dance party at Flask. The Reverend Horton Heat is at Aura. Clara Junken and the Grumps are at Empire.

Sunday June 11

Today is the actual Old Port Festival. There are only 3 stages this year, and Armies, The Ghost of Paul Revere, Pete Kilpatrick, and Hannah Daman and the Martelle Sisters are the only local music acts, although The Asthmatic is performing with the MAMM kids, and you know I love her.

Mathew’s finishes the weekend with day 2 of their Anti-Old Port Fest party, and Sunday has Mirth, The Heavies, The Very Reverend, Borderlines, Merciless Hunn, KGFREEZE, Dead Elect, Crimewave, Buzzy, Weakened Friends, Wait, Sweet Heat, I Suppose You Know Karate, Gwynne and the Tonics, Nuclear Bootz, The Gamma Goochies, Jimmy Jacked, Last Ones Alive, Conscious Cadaver, Toxic Cross and Can’t Win. Sunday has music upstairs and downstairs, so you have nowhere to hide. Bring earplugs.

PHOME has Pardon Me, Doug for the folks for whom no festival would be complete without some Phish songs. Blue has Molly Gibbs, Will Hatch and Nicholas Clark. Dean Ford and the Keepsakes are at Oasis, but I don’t have a link for that. Google it yourself. Amigo’s has Yellow LedVedder: A Tribute to Pearl Jam. Meatbodies, Jeff Beam and Bad Island are at SPACE.  

Also? The mighty, legendary Arrested Development are at the fucking State Theatre on Monday. GO SEE THEM. They are INCREDIBLE live. Please you to enjoy them. Be strong, serve god only, know that if you do? Beautiful Heaven awaits.

ALRIGHT LOOK, IT HAS BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I’VE SUNG TO YOU AND TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND HOW I JUST WANT TO HOLD YOU TIGHTLY, OUR FINGERS INTERTWINED, OUR HEARTS TWO STRINGS SPEAKING IN SYMPATHY (H/T KATE BUSH) SO COME CLOSER AND GAZE DEEPLY INTO MY EYES AS I WONDER WHY I CAN’T CLIMB YOUR WALLS AND FIND SOMEWHERE TO HIDE. CAN’T I KNOCK DOWN YOUR DOOR  AND DRAG MYSELF INSIDE? I’LL LIGHT YOUR CANDLES BABY, AND MAYBE I’LL LIGHT YOUR LIFE. I WANT TO FEEL THE BREATHLESS END THAT YOU COME TO EVERY NIGHT. THIS EVER CHANGING LOVE IS PUSHING ME TOO FAR! I FEEL THE NEED TO REACH YOU RIGHT NOW WHEREVER YOU ARE. THESE EMPTY ARMS ARE GETTING STRONGER EVERY DAY - BELIEVE ME BABY, THEY WON’T LET YOU GET AWAY, THEY WON’T LET YOU GET AWAY! CAUSE I WANT TO BE GOOD FOR YOU, I DIDN’T MEAN TO BE BAD, BUT DARLING I’M STILL THE BEST THAT YOU EVER HAD. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE TO LET ME SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY LOVE TOUCH.

LOVE TOUCH.