What The Heck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

Hey you.

Come here. Yeah man, just come over here, it’s fine. Oh, you like this? Thanks! It’s my new mustard colored cardigan. I paid six dollars for it. I know you’re impressed, don’t even worry about it. Yeah, I know it would look good with my Devo t shirt, I just haven’t gotten to that yet.  Look, just ignore the fucking cardigan already, jesus christ. Here, take my hand. What? Yeah I washed my hands, a few times today actually. Goddddd dammit, are you one of these Howie Mandel types now? You know it’s actually good for your immune system and the health of your community to be exposed to germs, right? Ok, well whatever, whatever. Just take my hand, it’s clean I swear.

Come on, put your jacket on, let’s go. What’s that? Oh, well we’ll just go out to see some of this music that’s going on and maybe a few of the art shows happening since it’s First Friday. Yeah man, I seriously don’t care if you don’t want to go, come the fuck on. Because it’s HEALTHY for you to fucking get out and talk to people and stop staring at a screen for five goddam minutes. Ok, fine, tell me why then. Um, OK DUDE, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Um, BECAUSE I LITERALLY WATCHED YOU SPEND $100 ON AMAZON LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO FOR FUCKING CAMPING GEAR AND I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU GO CAMPING SINCE LIKE 2004, SO I FUCKING KNOW YOU’RE LYING ABOUT NOT HAVING TEN FUCKING BUCKS TO GO OUT AND HANG OUT WITH ME.

No, YOU are the problem. Yeah, no you are. Fuck you man, you are. Look, you know why you NEVER go camping even though it’s your favorite thing? Because you have like, zero human connections left in your life. No, actually, that IS true. DUDE. Yeah, because you spend all your fucking time marinating on facebook and fucking reading news and being angry and playing fucking video games and zombie scrolling through your phone and it’s zapping your energy and turning you into an asshole and enough already. You used to love to go out and see music. What happened? Uh, no, that is patently false, the bands haven’t gotten worse, they’ve actually gotten better. OK fine, but bro? For real? If you do not make an effort to leave the house and learn how to connect with other human beings in person, in real actual life, and see their divine light and just enter into the push/pull energetic exchange that takes place with another living body, a strange body you don’t already know, you’re not doing your part. Complain about the government, complain about how society is going to pot, but you can’t say shit until you get off that couch and TRY.


*slams door*


That’s some fucking real ass talk from the sentient ham hocks living in this awful mustard cardigan.

Seriously, though, get off the fucking couch and come out. We’re all scared. We’re all sad and lonely and depressed and don’t feel like the best versions of ourselves. Do it anyway. The best version of yourself is the one that gets up, puts your jacket on and talks to a stranger this weekend, even if for only a few seconds.     

Friday April 7

DJs mosart212 and 32french are at Thirsty Pig.

GoldenOak and Bold Riley are at One Longfellow Square.

Pink Floyd tribute show Brit Floyd are at Merrill Auditorium. I’ve heard that this particular Pink Floyd cover band is good, but hear me once and then hear me again: OSTENTATIOUS SIGH. Why is it all Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Phish and Grateful Dead cover bands? Here are the cover bands I want to hear, let’s add these guys to the mix: how about a Beta Band cover band? Or just the music of Steve Mason in general and lump in King Biscuit Time and Black Affair? You wouldn’t be lacking for material. How about The Clash? David Bowie? The Commodores? Anyway, more on this at another date.

Shutdown Brown and Gretchen & The Pickpockets are at Portland House of Music and Events.

Stillman, Krimsky, Weisman & Weisman, and Tom Kovacevic are at the newly renovated SPACE Gallery.

Dead Sessions are at Port City Music Hall.  

Buddusky, Thirty Silver, Nick Perry’s Brass Tax and (?) INNNNI are at Hella Good Tacos.

Pigboat, Devil’s Night Out and Objet are at Geno’s.

Empire has their 90’s R&B dance party Throwbacks with DJ KTF.

Captain Ray & The Castaways are at Ri Ra.

Saturday April 8

The 2017 MAMM SLAM in which musical kids compete for dollars tournament style, holds its preliminary round at Bayside Bowl on Saturday afternoon. Bayside Bowl has been recently renovated and apparently is a wonderland of uh… wonders? Have you been there yet? I haven’t.

The Portland Cultural Exchange hosts a group sing called We Sing For Peace at the Portland Public Library at 2:30.

Prime the Pump at the Thirsty Pig has Dave Jacquet from the Lo Fi Decibels, Scott Giourard and Tim Shannon.

PHOME has a burlesque show, but why would you go see burlesque when you could go to the USM Royal Majesty Drag Show instead?

Bullethead, Not Yet Lost, My Tempared Soul, Dimond Edge and Dark Rain, which all sound like colors of Kat Von D liquid lipstick, are all at Live at 212 tonight.

Purse, Cushing and Burr, three bands I like, are playing at their stronghold in east bayside, 111A Anderson Street. Judging by those techbro condos that loom ominously over that area, along with the new restaurant below them, this space will probably soon be gone, replaced with some kind of, I don’t know, craft distillery and leathermaker that also sells curated organic beard oils? One-on-one pilates studio with a boutique by-appointment-only yoga pants tailor in the back? Who the fuck knows, but we can be sure it will be useless to people who live here and still have to sometimes do unpleasant things like buying their own groceries or having to actually interact with people outside of a slack chat.

Flask has a free show at 8pm with Welterweight, Muckie Mittens, First in Maths, The Early Mornings, and special guests.

Zapion Middle Eastern Ensemble play at SPACE Gallery with an ensemble of belly dancers.

Govinda is at Port City Music Hall with Snooze and Superorder fer yer mystical electronic needs. Fun fact: did the word mystic refers to someone or something that is in pursuit of becoming one with god, but the root of the word in Greek means ‘to hide or conceal.’

The Jameson Four are at RiRa. I’m going to assume that this is four dudes playing Irish music, but hey, maybe I’m generalizing, they could be a Vegan, bilingual transgender Trap Queen from Haiti for all I know. But seriously, this is probably four dudes playing Irish music.

Borderlines and Battery Steele are playing Bissell Brothers taproom up at Thompsons Point tonight too.

OK Naughty Sprouts, please go forth into your weekend and be safe and be kind and appreciate an unsung hero in your life. Everyone needs to be appreciated and thanked for their kindness to you. I'd use the lyrics to "Wind Beneath My Wings" here, but I think I've used that song a couple of times already so instead I'll just tell you that in my life there's been heartache and pain and I don't know if I can face it again! Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life. I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me! I wanna feel what love is! I know you can show me!