What the Heck Should I Do Tonight: GABE Edition!

I have had a really nasty week. MOOD IS LOW. That feeling of IMPENDING DOOM that follows me around and gets real uppity every so often is really chattering loudly in my ear and giving me Hard Agita. I’ve been doing what I’m supposed to do - exercise every day, guided meditation, green smoothies, all that bullshit - to no avail. I’m basically a damp tote bag filled with vomit-covered baby blankets, and I’ve got a bad attitude.

My actual workplace has been landing heavily in the Banana Zone lately, and last week, after an over 50 hour work week and some very stressful days working as the only ladyperson with a large group of men who routinely treat me either like a bitter old crone who knows nothing or a naive 14 year old girl who knows nothing because WOMEN CAN’T DO BUSINESS LOLOLOL, I fell asleep sitting up while listening to awful top 40 pop music and trying to write content for this stupid fucking pointless web site, and when I woke up a few hours later, I was like FUCK IT NOBODY WILL MISS IT AND FRANKLY I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS.

And I went about my weekend, until I received a text message on Saturday evening from a friend that contained a screenshot of a text from her friend, indicating that he was both aware that there had been no HT:P! Music entry that weekend, and he was also not pleased that there was no HT:P! Music entry that weekend.

Well, that changes things doesn’t it. Here I am assuming the same three friends read my shit every week, and here comes a total stranger to be like, BITCH, PLEASE STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING WET BLANKET ALL THE TIME, IT’S TIRESOME, WRITE STUFF AND SHUT UP. Isn’t that something.  

So I’ve written this person a poem in a gesture of gratitude for giving me the will to live and to continue writing. Here it is:

It’s Gabe!


An Ode To My Number One Fan Who Is Apparently A Dude Named Gabe Who Is Great And Cool

My dearest kind darling, my sweet winsome Gabe
Tell me, what is your life’s truest calling?
Have you ever considered, or conjured the thought
That under your spell I’d be falling?

For here in my office, my dank, sad, dark cave
I toil over these words by my lonesome
Just hoping that somebody, any one person
Might consider this nonsense quite wholesome.

Then one fateful Friday, the stars would align
Sending word of your chivalrous nature
My friend let me know that your mood gets real low
When I don’t post that week’s music feature.

But fret not, my dear Gabe, for the future is bright!
As your words made their way to my eyes,
Like the wind to Bette’s wings, they picked up my spirit
And like an eagle, it soars through the skies.

The world is in tumult, the Orange Devil runs rampant
But there’s one thing I can guarantee:
I will be there for you, Gabe, with curse words and concerts
The same way you’ve been there for me.


Anyway, let’s all let this be a lesson to ourselves: we should all be telling people who do stuff we like that we like it. I mean it just really goes a long goddam way. OK.

Friday February 24

Alright so Blue has Sassquatch and Miss Maybell and Slimpickin’s, but then there’s this band opening called Ear Bus, who are apparently an electronic jazz screamo band, which sounds interesting, but their logo is this cartoon bus with a little smiling face that led me to start writing about it thinking it was for kids. Is it for kids? I don’t think so because the players are highly accomplished jazz musicians with degrees in music and shit. So probably not for kids unless you have very sophisticated kids. They play at 6pm so you could totally bring your Very Sophisticated Kids to this.  

Live at 212 has Metal Night, Portland’s very own Happy Hour Kingpin Travis James Humphrey is at Salvage, NY band Driftwood and Max Garcia Conover are at OLS, and three bands that sounds like reggae bands but are actually hard rock bands - Burning Time, Unconscious Disturbance and Fifth Freedom - are at Empire.

Harsh Armadillo and Skosh are at PHOME. Did I just have a fever dream that I thought Skosh was Spose for a little while, or did I actually write about that? Too lazy to look up my own shit, frankly. Also, did this show get rescheduled from blizzard weekend? Everything is confusing please help me.

Yer big shows: The Machine are playing Pink Floyd at the State Theatre, Adam Ezra Group is at PCMH with GoldenOak and Chris Ross and the North opening, and I wrote this sentence like there would be a third thing here, so I’m just writing this to make it the third thing but there isn’t really any third thing.

Saturday February 25

Let me tell you a story - when I first moved to Asheville, I lived in a hippie house with like a kajillion other people, mostly hippies, but there was this one dude we’ll call Casper, and Casper was totally normcore but hung with the hippies for some reason. At one point, someone brought their Super Nintendo out to the living room and Casper started playing it. He played it a lot. And one thing about me is that I love to watch other people play video games. Not so much FPS games, but I love an adventure game. SUCH AS SUPER MARIO WORLD, which I maintain to this day was the best goddam video game of all time. It had the Vanilla Dome. It had Donut Plains and Chocolate Island. It had the Ghost House. In fact it had numerous Ghost Houses! Friggin’ Yoshi, you guys! Casper was so fucking good at Super Mario World. I sat there smoking a ton of weed and watching that guy play so much Super Mario World and I can still hear his voice today, talking about “going to get size,” which meant getting one of those mushrooms that made you big. LOVED IT. So anyway, Boston’s Gozu are at Geno’s tonight with Sylvia, All Night and Portland’s newest sensation, Lousy! Lousy apparently play the music of Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo and ColecoVision. Cute. Let’s all go love up on them and cross our fingers that we’ll hear some good shit from Yoshi’s Island.

Look at this fatass weeping angel motherfucker creeping up in here. 

Look at this fatass weeping angel motherfucker creeping up in here. 

Earlier in the evening, one might, if one were so inclined, head down to BIDDO (that’s what the locals, call it, right? I understand hip slang!) and see An Overnight Low and Pretty Sad at Elements Books and Coffee. That place is pretty cool because it has sort of a bar vibe without having to be a bar. Sometimes I wonder if we all drink by default just because the booze is there. Let’s all tweak out on caffeine instead.

Everyone’s going to go see London Trap/bounce artist Troyboi at PCMH. Troyboi’s music sounds a tiny bit like Gucci Mane and Massive Attack had a baby. Mellowed out, trippy, distended, beat-first, dreamy electronic hip hop.

Or, wait a second, scratch that, this is Portland Maine - I MEANT to say that everyone is going to see Ghost of Paul Revere at PHOME. Didn’t Ghost of Paul Revere headline the State Theatre just a few months ago? This show - and it’s second night on Sunday - is sold out and has been for a while now. Lotta folks’ll be crying into their bean boots this weekend. Max Garcia Conover opens on Saturday and Hannah Daman and the Martelle Sisters open on Sunday.

Real talk tho? All of these nu-folk bands need to stop dressing like Henry Kane from Poltergeist. WE GET IT, U OLDE-TYMEY. Take the fucking vests off and shave already, don’t be The Mast Brothers. Everyone hates The Mast Brothers.

You guys, my band is opening for the Avett Brothers this weekend, I'm so excited!

You guys, my band is opening for the Avett Brothers this weekend, I'm so excited!

Blue has jazz, Salvage has Cattle Call and Empire is closed for a private event.

Sunday February 26

Mosart212 is doing a dj set at Bunker Brewing, Panic! At the Disco is at the Civic Center, Empire has their Sunday night comedy showcase, and the Portland Symphony Orchestra is performing Sgt. Pepper’s.  What a Sunday. Find something to do and go do it.

Ok herniated dicks, do all the things but remember the cardinal rules: be kind, be safe, be aware, and protect each other. I don’t care what you did yesterday - today, make better choices to support equality and the civil rights of those under attack and to stand up for the safety and liberty of our precious diverse community, even if it’s scary, just remember to tell yourself no I won't back down, no I won't back down, you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down, no I'll stand my ground, won't get turned around, and I'll keep this world from dragging me down, gonna stand my ground. And I won't back down. I LOVE YOU XOXOXOXOXO