What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

What’s up you nasty perverted zaddies how has that whole scream-crying into your pillow until either your neighbor calls the cops or you pass out face first in a pile of dirty laundry from sheer exhaustion going? I mean, it is the holiday season, how else would you celebrate?

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OK so, if you talked to me at the Phoenix Music Awards on Wednesday, here's my apology - I am sorry for maybe probably definitely telling you all about my goddam Fluevogs. I’m legit sorry for talking about shoes for way, way too long, to entirely too many people. I WAS JUST FUCKING EXCITED OK, it’s not every day that an All American Hero named Seth is called up from the ether to perform flawless shoe rescue from a remote location and saves the day. I had to tell some people. It’s fucking over now, I get it, I get it. I GET IT. I’m SORRY. I’m sorry. 

New Yorkers have a set of peculiarities that don't really exist in other parts of the US (for instance, and this is just off the top of my head, being at home with racial diversity, ZING, AMERICA), and one of the things I was raised with was that you buy good shoes because you walk everywhere, and when the motherfuckers break or the heels get worn, you take them to the cobbler and get them fixed. I don’t have that many pairs of shoes, but when I meet a pair I love, we mate for life. I’m all about investing in quality and always having a good cobbler at the ready. SO IT MAKES SENSE THAT I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING THINGS BECAUSE, MAN, LIKE, IT'S A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP, YOU SALTY YAM BAGS, DEAL WITH IT. 

But, like, let’s just appreciate Lady Miss Kier in her classic “Munster” style Fluevogs one more time before I move on, because she’s a fucking style icon that time seems to have forgotten. I haven’t forgotten, LMK. I WILL NEVER FORGET your precious hot looks, baby girl. You are a Woman Who Knows How To Wear A Shoe™.  

 Look at those feet! Go get it girl, hips don't quit!

Look at those feet! Go get it girl, hips don't quit!

Good god. I mean it’s like where’s the mirror so I can really see and appreciate the over the top eyeroll I’m giving myself right now. Is it possible to loathe oneself any more than I loathe myself right now? Have I reached peak loathing? IS THIS THE EVENT HORIZON??????

 Me, contemplating the fact that I'm the most tiresome, dull human being on the goddam planet. Liberate tute me ex inferis. 

Me, contemplating the fact that I'm the most tiresome, dull human being on the goddam planet. Liberate tute me ex inferis. 

Friday December 8

Bon Iver is at the State Theater tonight, but if you didn’t get tickets you’re SOL you big fucking dumbass because that shit sold out during the Nixon administration. Bon Iver’s 22, A Million album was very, very good. A very good record that I listened to a lot this year, so much so in fact that when my spotify did that thing where it summarizes your year in music, the track “8 (circle)” came up in the top five songs I listened to in 2017. I do not really care for his other records, though I respect the hell out of the guy’s work. I do, however, care for a good joke at Bon Iver’s expense, and so I care very much for this web site and this thing and also this.

So anyway you gotta find something else to do tonight, idiot. Here:

UFF hosts a folk/Americana show with The Moosetones, Wendy Jo Girven and Driving Charlie Home.  

Let’s pit these two cover bands against each other: the touring band that plays the music of the Talking Heads, Stop Making Sense at PCMH or the group of locals doing a Tribute to Whitney Houston at PHOME? Here’s my HOT TAKE: Stop Making Sense is going to more closely nail the music of the Talking Heads. They do it every night, they’ve been doing it for years, if you love the Talking Heads, this is what you get because even in the unlikely event that the actual Talking Heads all stop hating each other long enough to do a reunion tour, you’ll never get tickets because they’ll sell out in two seconds and be like, a million dollars each. On the other hand, you probably know at least one person performing in this monster lineup for the Whitney Houston tribute at PHOME. It probably won’t be as tight, it’s almost all guest vocalists so the quality will vary, BUT…. but. Do you love hanging in a room with your friends and singing all of your favorite songs together? YOU DO? Then this is your choice. Because that’s basically what this show is and all your friends will be there.

Whitney's debut album came out in 1985 and this is objectively the best track on it. 

Salvage has Cajun Aces, Miss Fairchild and Gina Alibrio are at Empire, Flask has Foundation, Blue has Fat Knuckle Freddy, Say Darling and then El Malo late.  

Geno’s has Stillborn Condition, Crypitus, Imipolex and Angel Slayer. I would love to form a death or thrash metal band and just call it, like, some random person’s name. Jennifer Collingsworth. John Bamberger. And then you show up to see like some dude with a guitar and instead it’s four dudes in hoodies shredding but like that’s the moment you find out you actually love death metal and just change your whole life based on that experience? Sylvia makes it halfway there. It’s like that scene in The Money Pit where the band that Tom Hanks manages, The Cheap Girls, wants to change their band name to Meryl Streep.

Good times. Also, The Money Pit is such a great source for some of the best and most hilarious band-management content in film, and it's totally unrelated to the plot at large outside of the fact that we see Tom Hanks' job a lot because he's always needing money. But the band clips are all pure gold. Like this clip with the band White Lion, which I love so much. This movie is SO GOOD:

Saturday December 9

Advance Base, the artist formerly known as Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, is at the Apohadion tonight with Lisa/Liza, Greg Jamie and Greef. This entire lineup is really strong and Advance Base crushes - plan to go and get there early so you don’t have to stand in the back where everyone’s butts are facing because when a bunch of butts are facing you, you are invariably getting farted on, frequently, and with great aplomb.

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Okbari Middle Eastern Ensemble and Sarah Mueller are getting together to do an evening of Turkish folk music at Mayo Street Arts.

The Amarantos String Quartet are doing a house concert tonight in South Portland if you’re feeling adventurous.

Folk-fusion quartet Driftwood are at OLS.

Jackals, 10801 and Nice Life are at Flask.

The Ballroom Thieves and These Wild Plains are at PCHM. I love These Wild Plains. Rep it.

Jimmy Jacked, LIMBS BIN, Knife Worship and Quiet Warning are at Geno’s tonight. Well done, LIMBS BIN, you win the band name of the week award.

Oh boy, a Tribute 2 Third Eye Blind, huh. This feels a little bit like cheating to me because, like, Third Eye Blind had some hits, but they were objectively not a very skilled or interesting band. Here, let me suggest a list of bands you could do a Tribute 2 that are more compelling within the space of one song than Third Eye Blind is within the space of their entire catalog. “Catalog.” Heh. Here, try these:

Beck
Indigo Girls
The Shins
Sparklehorse
Neil Diamond
Big Star
Matthew Sweet
Faith No More
Pavement

Anyway, those are just some ideas off the top of my head. I’d go see any and all of those before I’d go see a Third Eye Blind cover show. Not to be a snob about it…. Actually, fuck that. TO BE a snob about it. I have the right to be a snob, I’m a fucking connoisseur and shit. Argue with me if you want, but writing a chorus that just goes "doo doo doo, do doo doo doo, doo doo doo, do doo doo doo" is lazy songwriting.  

Here, listen to this song instead. This is PROBABLY what Third Eye Blind was trying to sound like 99% of the time anyway. 

OH KAY KAY my slimy love clots, be kind, be generous, be compassionate, be there for each other this weekend. Tip all your service people EXTRA BIG because it's the holiday season and they deserve it, and also and this is extra extra important right now because there could be snow this weekend but you cannot ever no not ever do not do it do not drink and drive. Never! Be safe because there's something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive, cuz I'm sick of myself when I look at you, something is beautiful and true, a world that's ugly and alive, it's hard to even want to try... I'm beginning to think, baby you don't know. XOXOXOXOXO FOREVER.