What The Fuck Should I Do Tonight: New Year's Eve 2017 Weekend Edition!

IT'S FINALLY OVER AMIRITE?!?!?!

I mean... not really. In fact, all signs point to 2018 being a newer and fresher hell every day, far surpassing what we've seen in 2017. We'll be broke, depressed, dying of whatever kind of diseases can get us now that we have no health insurance (scabies? scurvy? the plague? what new stuff will get us?) all the uterus owners will be pregnant apparently, we'll need gas masks to breathe and, uh... basically be living in the Oasis from Ready Player One? Sure.  

I wrote a thing for the girls over here. I just need to talk to the girls for a minute, I'm feeling really delicate and tender. You can read it if you want, but go easy on me. I had a fucking rough year. I mean I had big ups, but I also had some big downs. 

I hope yours has been better. In the grand tradition of celebrating the turning of the year, I've done my best to compile what's going on. Have at it, ya freaks! 

Friday December 29

80’s and 90’s cover band The Awesome are hosting a holiday party at PHOME. It’s called An Awesome Holiday Party. Because what ELSE would it be called?

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Pink Talking Fish is at Aura with Kung Fu. Pink Talking Fish is a cover band that combines Pink Floyd, the Talking Heads and Phish. I hate them.

Taproot Productions hosts KLL SMTH and Spundose with Caelis at Empire. It’s been a minute since Empire has hosted a DJ/dance night like this. There’s an after party for it as well at an as-yet undisclosed location.

Ellis Paul is at OLS.

The Mallett Brothers, Guns Girls and Glory and Hannah Daman are at PCMH.

Travis James Humphrey is at Salvage. Ben Cosgrove, Marina Evans and YEAHMAN are at Blue. Dave Roberts and the Joshua Medrano Trio are at Dogfish. Something Stupid is at RiRa and that’s not me being an asshole that’s just their band name.

Saturday December 30

DIY venue Poland Street House is suffering from the same economic and cultural pressures that we’re all feeling right now, namely that there is no money and no support for pretty much anything or anyone who aren’t the Koch Brothers or Jeff Bezos or whatever, and fuck art, and fuck artists, and fuck poor people of all ilks, but especially stupid artists. So they’re hosting a dance party to support the venue, basically an updated version of a rent party, which used to be a thing and should probably be a thing again.  

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Royal Hammer is at the Apohadion. Kickass lady dj Punisher is at Flask.

CES CRU are at Empire with special guest MCs.

The Eve of Eve Bash with Sygnal to Noise, Break The Skin, Lone Wolf James, Weapons at Hand and Project 246 is at Live at 212.

There is a Tom Petty tribute at PHOME. I think it’s the same one they did right after he died.

Cuse Me, Nycterent, Opening Bell and HL are at Geno’s.

The Ghost of Paul Revere with Parsonfield and Joel Thetford are at PCMH but it’s sold out, so text whoever you know in this band to put you on the fucking guests list, you lazy dicks.

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A top 40 cover band called Tickle are at RiRa, that band name is so cringey to me.  

Salvage has The Blues Prophets. Blue has jazz.

Sunday December 31

For the big day I figured we'd separate things into categories for ease of party-hopping. Here ya go:

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Dance/DJ vibez

The big Circus Maine thing up at Brick South has Max Felker et. al. spinning dance music from 8-2am. Make note that once you’re in you can’t leave and come back to this. So find a creative way to do your blow tonight, or whatever. Or hey, just don’t do it at all.

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Mosart212 is up on the mezzanine at Bayside Bowl for free.

Space has Che Ros and Ash & Herb running a dance party.

Oxbow has a refreshingly-cover-free Sparkle Party with unidentified DJs. What is a sparkle party? Do you just wear sparkles and dance to songs with a lot of e-piano (my new favorite term for keyboards, get used to it)?

Flask has their early tea dance Flannel from 5-8:30, then later their Sundaze dance party celebrates NYE.

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Aura has throwback DJs throughout the night at their NYE party.

Apohadion has “Nick from Moody Lords” (which makes me LOLZ) DJing a dance party.

Loungey Vibes

Viva and the Reinforcements are at TIQA with a prix fixe dinner, drinks and dancing. Apparently there’s also a “martini luge” but it really makes me hate myself just having to write that phrase, so forget that I ever did.

Primo Cubano is at OLS doing a show with dancing.

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The Glass Lounge has a roaring 20’s thing going on, I guess that’s the bar at the Hyatt hotel. It doesn’t sound like there’s dancing at this, but I know how to Charleston, so you can bring me to this if you want to look cool.

Rock Shows

Five of the Eyes, El Malo and GEPH are at Geno’s.  

The Ghost of Paul Revere with GoldenOak and Max Garcia Conover are at PCMH, but this night is also sold out.

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Dogfish hosts Muddy Ruckus.

The Dapper Gents are at RiRa.

Cover Bands

Party Time Excellent (John Nels, Jamie Colpoys, Kyle Gervais and Kris Rodgers) are doing 70’s to 00’s party covers at Empire. I’d also file this under a dance event, tho.

Kenya Hall and her gang of rogues take over the State Theater for their annual tribute to Stevie Wonder.

Maine Dead Project is at PHOME. They’re playing Winterland ‘72, a classic/favorite for deadheads.

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Ok li'l boos, have the best time this weekend, party safe, but party hard, be kind, be loving, give hugs (but don't force them on anyone!), give money, give protection to those who need to get home, who are too drunk, who are elderly, young, at risk, people who need help. This is our community, we must protect it. Tip your staff this weekend like KINGS AND QUEENS AND GENDERNEUTRAL ROYALTY and just remember we do it all for one and all for love! Let the one you hold be the one you want! The one you need! And when it's all for one, it's one for all! When there's someone that you know, gotta let those feelings show! And make it all for one and all for love!