What The Fuck Should I do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

OH HEY THERE SHITBIRDS. What in the ever loving crap have you been up to?

It’s been precisely a bunch of days since my last dispatch from Hot Trash: PORTLAND! Worldwide Headquarters, but it’s been exactly fewer days since I last tried to write for you. I’ve tried a few times, actually, to come to you with my absence and give you some explanation but then I realized that A) who cares and B) who cares.  

Also, it's super hard for me right now to see the value in anything right now. Millions of people just lost their healthcare. Why does THIS matter? Why should I even bother? We could be fighting a civil war within a year. Why? WHY?

Problem is, I think my submersion and subsequent emergence, and all of the bullshit that happened in between, it’s pretty fucking boring, but since we’re here, here’s the short version: I tried to fix a health problem I’ve had my whole life by getting to the source of it and “healing” it but what happened instead was a massive flare up of symptoms worse than anything I’ve experienced. I tried for two months to endure it, stuff happened, emotional stuff, physical stuff, I couldn’t take it anymore, and on New Year’s Eve, I pulled the plug and, through the miracle of science and employer-subsidized health insurance, I essentially did this:

I literally fell asleep six times writing the above sentence. Who the fuck cares. I’m alive, I’m feeling better, and in a couple of weeks I may just be fully back on my feet again. Life is hard, everyone struggles, you do it alone and eat shit and live to see another day. I just want to write about local music.

Many and all salutes to Greg for keeping this joint jumping during the silence.

Friday January 13

Well, well, well. It’s Friday the 13th, boogers. Anything special planned? LET’S FIND OUT.

I’ll just start with my pick, which is Lisa Tullgren at Saandy’s with Jaye Bartell and Damian Weber. This undergroundy thing is brought to you by Pretty Purgatory, which either means something to you or it doesn’t, but I think their shows are generally pretty thoughtful and interesting.

Who the fuck is Barry? Well anyway, his birthday party at Live at 212 has some fun bands like Port City Saints, Gant, The Keeper Class and on and on. This is a punk and garage show. Also, just make one event page. This happens a lot. Someone will be like MAH BERFDEH and invite like 10 people to some show with one invite but then the show has its own invite and people are like “are there seriously only 7 people going to this show, eff that I need to get my jean meat wet tonight where my slutty bitches at” and then that asshole will go to another show which is PROBABLY A BLESSING IN DISGUISE because he shouldn’t be calling you slutty anyway, who the fuck is HE to talk, HE’S the slut here, obviously, but my point is don’t dilute your attendance over two invites.

You know what, or DO actually fuck it all up. I’m so sick of rampant mediocrity and illogical choices being what people do. Every time I say something that is reasonable and logical and could help a band, a bunch of fucking angry little music turds come running up the through the pipes and are like, “OR WE COULD JUST DO IT HOW WE DO IT BITCH, YOU’RE WRONG AND OBVIOUSLY KNOW NOTHING AND ALSO ARE PROBABLY A BIG LESBIAN OR SOMETHING,” and I’m like, Ok Pam, you don’t really know how being queer works but also your music marketing skills can suck my dick then.

This is roid rage. Not joking.

Bayside Bowl has The great Jonee Earthquake Band (NH), The Flipsides and Gwynne and the Tonics. This is ANOTHER SHOW WITH TWO FUCKING INVITES, coordinate, guys, we have cell phones and facebook now what is even happening.

El Malo (world jam) is at Blue. Salvage has Cajun Aces (rockabilly). Skosh and Andrew Baillie (funk, hip hop) are at PHOME. Flask has Foundation Friday (house) with special guest John Pacheco. Some dude who thinks he’s a T-Rex is at Dogfish, asking for $10 from you to play covers. I wrote that, I’m reconsidering it because one of you is totally going to be like, THAT SHIT AIN’T FUCKING FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER, REXY DINOSAUR IS A MUSICAL GENIUS, but I’m leaving it because I like to sometimes pee on the floor and make someone else clean it up while I watch.

Crystal Canyons, Tall Horse, The North Atlantic, The Great Depression and Rita Fishbone (acoustic) are all at UFF. They have a new tasting room? Cool. But what was wrong with the old tasting room?

Empire has Phutureprimitive and support (electronica) via Taproot productions for $15. It says it will sell out on the event page, and I think that’s real.

Saturday January 14

I have to go to a bonfire at one of my coworkers’ houses tomorrow, which is one of those things where, like, you’re like, OOOH, BURNING SHIT AND GETTING HAMMERED but then you’re also like BUT I SEE YOU FIVE DAYS A WEEK NOW YOU WANT SATURDAY TOO? Regardless, if I weren’t going to the bonfire, I’d be going to Prime the Pump at Thirsty Pig to see songbirds Clara Junken and Hannah Daman, and songwriter I don’t know Jared McCloud.

There’s an early-aughts dance party at the Porthole. 13 Scotland Road is at Bull Feeney’s. Steamboat Gypsy is at Dogfish. David Newsam Organ Trio is at Blue. The Southern Maine Workers Center is raising money through the raw power of karaoke. Heads up for the drinkers, it’s sober karaoke, but karaoke all the same. Live at 212 has an acoustic show (that also has two warring facebook invites that disagree on who the headliner is). Rhum has a soul/funk/r&b DJ set from DJ Hi Duke, called Soul Glo, the greatest fake commercial from a film of all time except, of course, for Thornton Mellon’s Tall and Fat Stores:

I suppose it’s a good night if you’re into like, jammy experimental stuff - you could see Strange Machines with Harsh Armadillo at Empire or you could go to Bayside Bowl to see The Solars with Cushing and Tiger Bomb.

Or, you can go see some more cover bands, because this is Portland in January, and everyone has given up hope, generally, and wants the warm comfort of something familiar and easy to digest. So the Noonday Crawlers are at Flask, or Color Blind is at PHOME.

Sunday January 15

You can hear Chopin’s Second Concerto played by pianist Diane Neely, along with some complementary performances, at Merrill Auditorium.

The Gamma Goochies are Geno’s on Sunday night too.

Alright, what do you think, how'd we do? I mean, look, it's my first day back to school, I don't have this whole thing down yet, I don't even know where my locker is, plus I have latent roid rage. WHATEVER. You know what? We could live for a thousand years, but if I hurt you I’d make wine from your tears! I told you that we could fly cause we all have wings but some of us don’t know why! I - I was standing. You were there. Two worlds collided. AND THEY COULD NEVER EVER TEAR US APART.

UGH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH be good, be swell, drive safe, drive sober, hug lots, bring your sick and tired friends casseroles, and remember that YOU VOTE WITH YOUR DOLLAR so make conscious choices to dismantle the economic disparity you see all around you every day and hate. I love you don't change for you, don't change a thing for me.