What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Labor Day Weekend Edition!

What the shit, turd cannons? Where's my weekend at? Labor Day is such an irritating upper class holiday. It's supposed to be a celebration of the American labor movement, right? Does anyone else find that OUTLANDISH given that American laborers are systematically stripped of their jobs, wages and benefits, often forced into poverty or lifelong debt, while their CEOs collect outrageous bonuses in the millions as a reward for "increasing the bottom line?" Doesn't that seem silly that we have a holiday for that? Doesn't it seem an offensive holiday when so many of us don't have the luxury to even take the day off? When we have to spend the day working to serve the upper class, who take the opportunity to buy new Egyptian cotton sheets on sale at the goddam Macy's or whatever large retail chain that uses low paid workers to staff it's soul-deadening square footage while your wealthy basic aunt Claire buys some new Michael Kors shit or whatever? And then our friends have to serve the same bourgeois assholes at the moronic gastropub that serves a $23 burger and occupies 1200 square feet of retail space in the new luxury condo development on the East End? IT JUST SEEMS SO SILLY TO CELEBRATE THE WORKING CLASS when the working class aren't really goddam welcome in this country anymore. 

Meanwhile, if we don't have to actually work on the day, we're probably too tired to get up and do anything fun because we had to work a minimum of 50 hours a week for the past 6 months because each and every one of us is doing the job that used to be done by two or even three people. In the name of "keeping our jobs." Great job, American Labor Party! WE REALLY DID IT, DIDN'T WE! 

Fuck Labor Day. I'll take the day off, though. This weekend is the world's last hurrah, the last weekend to enjoy summer and blow off your problems and drink beer in the yard while listening to classic rock. So go up to your camps or your beach houses or whatever the fuck.  I'm saying that things are weird this weekend. It kind of feels like a Night of the Comet situation, if you ask me.

 Me, partying on the deserted streets of Portland this weekend.

Me, partying on the deserted streets of Portland this weekend.

Look, who cares. We'll all be here, if we're here, and we can party together. Let's see what's doing:

Friday September 2

It's First Friday so there's art walking crap going on, but if you can make it out later after getting tinker-tankerson on happy hour wine, maybe you can try something different and jet out to Lenny's for Charles Brown, Andrea Re and Mike Campbell. If you haven't been to Lenny's go to Lenny's. Lenny's is great in a very nondescript, no frills way. 

Oh shit, are you too drunk to drive?  How about Blue for Okbari and Darlin' Corey or the pop up dance party at Empire? There's also Love at Flask and PHOME has a happy hour with Sweet Maxwell Sullivan Trio. 

I don't get this AT ALL, but somehow Plague is coming back early, and it's at the Asylum, and it's in the sports bar at Asylum. I can't think of a less appropriate place to host a goth party. Unless they've remodeled the sports bar already? What even is going on with this?

 It's weird to think about getting that dressed up to be seen in daylight under a bridge. 

It's weird to think about getting that dressed up to be seen in daylight under a bridge. 

What I'd do, though, is go see Pete Witham and the Cozmik Zombies at Salvage BBQ. He's incredible. The Cozmik Zombies are incredible. I mean it's a rockabilly sort of thing, but get over it. It's just legit. Plus, you know, they have those meats there.

Friday is a day for eating, is what I'm saying to you.

Saturday September 3

It doesn't say who's at the Thirsty Pig for their Prime the Pump series this week, but it's a fun time regardless. Grab the big round table in the corner and save me a seat. Unless I don't know you, in which case, I'll fight you for it. I sure will.

When Particles Collide is at PHOME with Five of the Eyes, Album and Eldemur Krimm. Eldemur Krimm sounded FANTASTIC last week at Benbazi's birthday party. Go see this show.

Willicker and The Strangely Possibles are at Empire. I don't have anything to say about that because I don't really know what either of those bands are. Bands, AGAIN, if you don't tell me what you are, if you don't have some kind of description, how is anyone supposed to find out who you are. "Well just come to a show!" You know what? NO. Because most of us like specific genres of music and THOUGH WE SHOULD ALL OPEN OUR MINDS MORE OFTEN, we don't, and therefore you're dreaming if you think people are going to come see you based on a photo and a plea. So get a friend to write a goddam description of your band. Or shit, you fucking write it yourself, you write lyrics, now write a paragraph. Keep it short and simple. Pair it with a video and some graphic images and some photo images. There, you've got yourselves a whole look now. 

The Asthmatic, Father Spatter and Lung from Cincinnati are at Poland Street House. This is fun. Behave yourself. 

Ok the last thing that's on my general radar is this Local Music Serves Local Heroes thing at Genos. I know it's for a veterans' support nonprofit, and that is an excellent cause, of course, but I have to make fun of this, I just have to. I CAN'T HELP IT. Here are the photos of the bands playing, because as much as I am a believer that a good little paragraph about your music and your mission tells you everything you need to know about a band with nondescript photos, sure, the flip side is that SOMETIMES, a band's photos tell you everything you need to know about them, no goddam words needed.

Thirteen High:

 I went to kindergarten with a chubby girl named Becky who looked exactly like the dude drinking Fireball all the way on the left. 

I went to kindergarten with a chubby girl named Becky who looked exactly like the dude drinking Fireball all the way on the left. 

Project 246:

 This is the only photo of this band on their fb page that is not a logo, and it looks like that guy is committing Seppuku with that guitar's headstock, but that's just the magic of Hollywood, I'm sure. 

This is the only photo of this band on their fb page that is not a logo, and it looks like that guy is committing Seppuku with that guitar's headstock, but that's just the magic of Hollywood, I'm sure. 

Brand New Day:

 "Hunting. Very Blue Jeans. My wife's ironing skills. Goddam friggin' rack o' soups on the weekend up at camp. 3 Doors Down. Metallica. Possible/probable irrational fear of gays." There you go, Brand New Day, I wrote your "About Us" for you. 

"Hunting. Very Blue Jeans. My wife's ironing skills. Goddam friggin' rack o' soups on the weekend up at camp. 3 Doors Down. Metallica. Possible/probable irrational fear of gays." There you go, Brand New Day, I wrote your "About Us" for you. 

Venndetta:

 What happens when you search for "grunge vector" on vecteezy.com. 

What happens when you search for "grunge vector" on vecteezy.com. 

Sunday September 4

Nothing shows up on my events calendar until the 6th of September, but your local stalwarts have some stuff on Sunday, at least - PHOME, Blue, Empire, Dogfish, Thirsty Pig, there's probably maybe I don't really know some music of some kind going on, but you'll be out of town, woncha. 

Let's just get goddam fall started already. 

Look, I'll see you next week. In the meantime, please, please, PLEASE be extra nice to all of the workers who have to work to get you through your weekend of government sanctioned leisure. Tip well, speak kindly, say thank you and look out for each other. And, as always, but especially on a holiday weekend, do NOT drink and drive! Don't ever do it, oh no, nooooooo don't you forget about me, don't don't don't don't don't you forget about me... AS YOU WALK ON BY, WILL YOU CALL MY NAME? OR WILL YOU WALK AWAY?