What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

Good day to YOU, my fancy little fuckadees. So fluffy, so fancy, just peacocking around Congress Street like so many fancy boys and fancy babes. Feathers, fluffies, fingers and fabulous. Fancy fancy fuckbois. Fancy fancy flouncy fillies.     

I started feeding my facebook events to a google calendar, so it’s easier to find stuff, but you know what, it’s not fucking perfect. For some reason dumb dumb google calendar lists stuff that has an end time after midnight as an event the next morning, and I hate that. Also, if it doesn’t have a facebook event, you know what, it’s not showing up. What the fuck all am I supposed to do about it? I’ll list that shit in the weekend guide. Like my homies at Salvage and shit. It’s a start, anyway, get out of here. Use it or don’t.

Friday July 22

I love it when a band “comes back” from whatever decade long hiatus they’ve taken and they’re like “oh man, everyone is going to flip out, they remember the good old days when we ROCKED IT and yeah so what we took a break, we needed to get our shit together, but like, we’re back man, and it feels real good to be making music together once again,” meanwhile, their wives are like *eyeroll* “babe, can you get up with the kids in the morning? It’s my turn to sleep in.” That whole thing can go one of two ways: either nobody will care because the world indeed kept spinning while you weren’t making music or you’ll have like, a couple of great shows in markets that remember you and then nobody will care because the world indeed kept spinning while you weren’t making music. The few strong/clinically insane will labor through the sludge of despair that is rebuilding momentum as a fully matriculated adult. Anyway, Hiss and Chambers is at Portland House of Music tonight and I’ve been told that’s a big deal by both the media and fellow local music enthusiasts. As a newcomer (haven’t even been here two years yet, come at me bro), I don’t know their music, but I know a couple of their men and they’re quality folk, you see. So let’s go show them some love and pretend we’re all 20 pounds lighter and have five fewer chins, five fewer children, and five fewer mortgages.

Another show I find palpably intriguing (the intended recipient of that easter egg better fucking appreciate it because it’s really hard for me to write the phrase “palpably intriguing” without wanting to punch myself in my own taint) is Buddusky, The Empty, Phallus Uber Alles and Mr. Neet at Hella Good Tacos. The girls are kicking ass here, and also it’s a bunch of girls playing at a taco bar, there’s got to be some vaguely humorous 13 year old joke in there, right? Jesus.

Ok what else, what in the actual fuck else, ok Five of the Eyes are opening for Intronaut and a couple of other prog rock bands at Empire. As you know, we here at Hot Trash: Portland! Worldwide Headquarters enjoy FOTE quite a bit, and while we won’t be able to attend this show, we do hope for your sake that everyone in FOTE removes their shirts for at least a couple of minutes. LIVE IT UP BOYS, in ten years those abs will have melted into beer guts and you’ll be as miserable as the rest of us. In the meantime tho, srsly, take your fucking shirts off. I’m a disgusting creepy old crone who should be kept away from men generally.

Oh, are you looking for the rest of the shows? I just told you I made a calendar, you fucking unfocused pubeclowns. Go look at it with your stupid eyeballs.  

Here’s what’s not on fb. Jerks of Grass are at Salvage, Dogfish has The Waiters, Blue has Ghosts of Johnson City, William Joseph Jiordan and Canned Bread, and Flask has their Still Slow party wherein they start at around 80bpm and then increase the tempo throughout the night so you’re basically dancing at the speed of light by the end of the thing. Sweet fucking idea and great way to keep people at your party.

Saturday July 23

Before I get started on Saturday, I just want to say that nothing makes me sadder than The Awesome’s press photo. And this is coming from a woman who has been watching the depressing and violent disembowelment of America that is the RNC this week. So. Very sad, is my point.

And here’s where I end on Saturday: a great night to grab all your friends and have a fire in the yard, cuz there ain’t much, bub. Also, please, Kaitlyn, come back from your trip, you need to tell me what’s going on at Geno’s. What is going on at Geno’s lately? Is it just too hot for shows in there right now? I get it, I basically molted and slithered out of my skin in there last weekend, but it wasn’t skin anymore it was LIQUID GOO. It’s hot, is what I’m saying.

Or… go to the disco punk party at Flask? I don’t know.

Clara Junken is playing at the Thirsty Pig, Salvage has Riverton Diesel, Dogfish has Young at Heart (tempted to go to that just to find out if it’s some kind of senior citizen duo - The Greatest Generation wasn’t much for irony) and then also possibly something called Dr. Funxtable (seriously? After everything Bill Cosby has done, you’re OK with your band name calling up the name of our generation’s most notorious sexual predator?), Blue has Jazz at the Blue and… um, yup go to the calendar I guess.

Sunday July 24

What the fuck is praline bacon? I’m not a bacon person, partially because I’m not stuck in 2007 but also because meh, but what in the… is it like a legit NOLA praline thing or like just pecans and some sugar or what? Right, so Thirsty Pig has a brunch show with Joe Gallant. They also seem to have praline bacon. The monster inside me can’t say no to a pecan encrusting anything.

After that, Oxbow, motherfuckers. It’s a whole bunch of the yunguns (nice Rick and Morty poster, Underthirtys) - Jargon Party, Canker Blossom, Today Junior, Black Hatch, Soft Pyramids, The Neckbeards, Nous Sommes, Dead Elect and OH HO HO WHO IS THIS? Delorean Gray? I wrote about those Easter hams for Dispatch once… finally playing their first show! Good lord. NOBODY CALLED ME I AM VERY ANGRY AT YOU ALL, DELOREAN GRAY.  Someone in charge of this should post a schedgie. Also, Nous Sommes, whoever you are, your Wednesday Show is a lie - because won’t this Oxbow thing be your first show? YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN HERE, MUSTER A SMILE AND TELL SOME NOSTALGIC TALE? THAT’S WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES, NOUS SOMMES. THAT’S WHAT A… that’s what a fool believes. I keep forgetting... 

You know the drill, slimers: be kind, be compassionate, look out for each other, protect each other no matter what color your outsides are or what fictional character in the sky you were taught to worship, tip your service workers well, tip your uber drivers well even though you don't have to (you should anyway) and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, you know it, you love it, so sing it with me, fellow enthusiasts of LIFE and NOT BROKEN THINGS: NEVER DRINK AND DRIIIIIVVVEEEEEE, NO NOT EVER, DON'T DO IT, STAY SOBER AND DRIVE, OR GET DRUNK AND CAB IT, OH BOYEEEEEEE, DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. I love you, I remember how you loved me, time was all we had until the day we said goodbye and I remember every moment of those endless summer nights.... OOOOHHHHHH REMEMBAAAHHHHHHH!