Hello, old friend.
How was your week? Wait, don’t answer that - I don’t care how your week was, you ding dong! That’s not why we’re here. Let’s make fun of some bands together, shall we?
FRIDAY JULY 15
Welterweight (killer band name) is playing the Yarmouth Clam Festival after the parade on Friday Night if you feel like rocking out with your clam-stuffed belly out. There's also some kind of open mic? Also, the word clam is so gross. Clam.
Bayside Bowl has Purrer, Dimples East, Greg Jamie Band with Colby Nathan and Lisa/Liza.
Your Steely Dan-loving dad’s band The Substitutes are playing their repertoire of classic rock covers at Slab.
Family Planning, Diva Cup and Cadaverette are at dBasement with Brooklyn band JOBS. I like that this show has a very vaginal theme.
Mirth is at Lone Pine Brewing Company. It’s $5, which gets you in the door and also gets you a pint of beer, which is cool if you drink beer.
SPACE Gallery is cheekily elevating the art of complaining about gentrification to, well, ART, by doing I guess what is an experiential exhibit. They’re basically making the gallery into a dive bar for a night. Since a true dive bar in Portland is apparently extinct (AHEM, GENO’S BUT THEY’RE A ROCK CLUB SO I GET IT I GUESS). There is nothing that is more “millenial urban creative” than this event. We just reached peak yuccie or whatever the fuck it is that they’re calling douchebags with money whose preferred restaurants have Edison light bulbs and every ingredient has been sourced locally, right down to the salt crystals that were sourced off your uncle Hank’s sweaty ballsack at camp last weekend but who WON’T FOR SOME REASON LISTEN TO ANY LOCAL MUSIC BECAUSE THOSE RULES FOR LOCALLY SOURCED SOMEHOW DON’T APPLY TO MUSIC.
From 6-8 in CSP there is a West African drum and dance performance. It’s free! And we have a pretty robust African community here. Probably most of you reading this are white, so maybe this is another chance for us to show our support and compassion for our African American friends and neighbors without making it all about us. If we are allies, then let’s be allies and perimeter check and help our community feel safe and protect Portland’s black lives. Which fucking matter, it really can’t be said enough.
Here’s a thing, Studio 55 is having their Wicked Little Girls cabaret show. The show closes in a week, so if you’ve been meaning to go, get out there. All the straights are so scared of Studio 55, but it’s really fun in there and that Broadway vibe really does it for me.
Jya and her crew are doing Alicia Keys and Sade covers at PHOME. *exasperated sigh* FINE.
Four bands I’ve never heard of are playing Geno’s tonight - Spectrobot, Angel Slayer, Feed the Corpse and Wasted Mortality. These bands all sound like episode titles from the good seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. JOKES ALL SEASONS OF BUFFY ARE PERFECT FUCK YOU.
SATURDAY JULY 16
For day stuff today you could go to the Many Mothers Music Festival, which is all women and all kick ass. That’s up in Grey and has Clara and Sorcha and a bunch of other women who are the sentient embodiment of a pair of steel toed boots.
My friend and brother in arms Will Bradford is playing at Thirsty Pig at 2, so you could come drink with me, I’m fun.
Bob Dylan is at the point, I know that’s not local per se, but it’s Bob goddam Dylan and Mavis FUCKING Staples. Do you have tickets? I’m totes jellies. Just when I thought I was getting ahead, my tooth comes and bites me in the ass and now everything I own is in hock. Anyway have fun at Bob Dylan. I know for a fact his rider includes a clause that staff are not to look him in the eyes.
El Malo is at Slab tonight. I recently found out that the drummer from El Malo does the drumming for the live drum buti yoga classes I go to at the incredible magical place Hustle and Flow. I am always in the back because I’m an inflexible meatball in a room of graceful swans, and I feel like that guy sees my butt doing stuff, well, a lot. I mean I feel like I owe him an apology, he has to look at my gross butt so much. I hope it’s like nose blindness, like he sees my butt so much that he’s just learned not to see it. Anyway, so GO SEE EL MALO AND THEIR INCREDIBLE DRUMMER at slab tonight. Alright.
Empire has a dj night playing decades of hits type shit and they also have cheap as fuck drinks, so this is a good place to stop as you’re cruising through town. Blue has jazz, Salvage has King Day’s New Imperials.
Geno’s has Hunter S. Thompson’s Punk Rock Birthday Party at Geno’s with Covered in Bees, The Worst (formerly Anarkitty) and Bad Leg. Y’all know I love me some CIB, but I’m so excited about The Worst. They just sounded so stupid great at that Take Back Home show, and I get that veruca salt-y vibe that I’ve been craving since junior high.
SUNDAY JULY 17
Leash is playing at Geno’s with Sylvia, Agothocles and InTheShit. Bring your ear plugs and your colostomy bags.
OK GOONS, have at it. You know the rules: be kind, open your heart to people who aren't like you, watch out for people who may be more vulnerable than you (children, elderly, women, LGBTQIA+ people, black people, etc. etc.) and - sing it with me if you know the words, you guys - never ever ever, no not ever don't do it neverrrrrrrr drinnnkkk and DRIIIIVVVEEEEEE!!!!!
I love you. I can't fight this feeling anymore.