What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

OH HELLLOOOOOYYYYYYYYou fucking big-butted stinky dinks. I love you! Where have you been?

JOKES, I am the one that has been away, it’s me! Last weekend, I went out of town to the mysterious and remote city of Providence, Rhode Island, which, as it turns out, is famous for me.

Providence is weird. Where do you guys even go for live music? Can you hear me, Providence?! What is it that you do for fun!?

Anyway, it’s good to be back here in Portland, and I’m goddam ready to party.

friday may 13

OH SHIT motherfuckers, it is the start of Pride season! As you may already be well aware, I love The Gays and The Queers and The Transgendereds and the Gender Fluids and the Non-Cis Folk of all ilks. I don’t even understand people who don’t hang out with The Gays, your life must really suck balls, and not in the good, consensual way. My life sucks balls because I don’t have any gay friends here yet. I’m coming for you, gays of Portland! Fruit Fly reporting for duty! Anyway, Port City Music Hall is hosting the opening Pride party tomorrow night, it is fucking only $5 and they have Samuel James and djs and fucking drag queens and all the goddam shit that is great about America. See you there.

Oh fuck yeah look at this greasy little pit stain of a thing: Geno’s has a Friday the 13th party, because what the fuck else would they have, starring Devil’s Night Out, Alter the Tides, Skrye and Break the Skin. Christ almighty on the friggin’ scary motherfucking band names, bub. This is a stoner metal and death metal show and it is hosted by someone who calls himself Justin Sane. Motherfuck.

Flask has Foundation Friday with Caseroc from Boston, Salvage has unspecified live music, Blue has The Dupont Brothers and El Malo, Dogfish has Viva, and your butt has your mom. HA your mom doesn’t even play an instrument, does she. Why is your butt booking her then? Oh, for her killer standup set?

My mom played the accordion. It is the instrument of my people.

OK, dBasement has The Tarantula Brothers (who just put out a new album I reviewed for the June Dispatch, which will be out June 1 and is also the music issue, so keep an eye out for that review as well as some other pieces on the local music beat from yours truly and also the Tarantula Brothers describe themselves at the above link as “Biddeford Crunk” which doesn’t mean anything and furthermore doesn’t describe their music at all), Cheerwine and Phallus Uber Alles. I recommend this show for the intrepid and hip among you. Bands, quit being fucking coy. Just tell me what kind of music you make. The more describe-y the better. Your little idioms and insidery phrases are eyeroll material of the highest degree.

The award for best band description of all time, though, goes to JD Gilbert and the Night Train, who are performing at RiRa tonight and whose band description reads thusly:

“JD Gilbert and the Night Train is a band based in Portland, Maine that regularly performs at local venues.”

MY GOD. It’s like the word equivalent of a pair of pleated front khaki pants from the Gap. COME HERE AND HUG ME, JD Gilbert and your Night Train!  

Goddam it. Empire has a fucking Tribute 2: Elton John. It’s like they’re just trolling us now. HOWEVER, if someone has a fucking Donald Duck costume for this shit I salute you. It’s fine, I get it, hating on covers is as stale as the covers themselves. Whatever, do your thing, basics. I won’t intervene anymore.

omg that stance. Is there a half full Depends in there?

omg that stance. Is there a half full Depends in there?

This is a thing that is happening. If it’s just a house party for friends, why make it a public fb event?

Dark Hollow Bottling Company are with NH-ers The Soggy Po Boys at PHOME tonight for that Splashed Bash thing that Dispatch is doing.

Ok I love this bill: Ruune, Street City Surf and Arwyn Sherman are at Mayo Street Arts. I love that Mayo Street is putting this show on. I love everything about all of this. It’s just such a weird lineup. Go read about it, I don’t even have time to dissect this thing.

Saturday may 14

The Mallets are back in town and are at PCMH! I love that I get to write about this venue twice in one weekend, I love when a quality ass fucking place like goddam PCMH has a bunch of locals on their stage. Locals deserve good sound systems too! Anyway. The Mallet Brothers. You know them, you love them, go enjoy them.

Monarck Lisa and Roots, Rhythm and Dub are at Studio F. Jazztastic jazzercizing vajazzalers (OK, I don’t know anything about contemporary jazz. Like, nothing. I am the worst. Someone teach me about jazz) Forbes/Wilson trio are doing their album release at Blue. Dogfish has something called Steamboat Gypsy Band, which can only be like, a steampunk themed band, right? What else would it even be? Salvage has music, but it is a mystery as to what. Flask has a techno/house party called Pre-Heat with Dereloid on tune patrol.

Geno’s has a very hard show, not for the meek, with Leash, Pyrrhon, Die Choking from Philly and Hatred Alive. Aggressive, intense metal and punk, but best in class shit. If that is your thing, this is the thing you want to be at.

Strange Maine has Pretend it Didn’t Happen, id m theft able, and Rare Storms at the store. This could go either way, it could be up your ass pretentious or very intriguing with quite a lot of information and perspective. Who knows? YOU DO AFTER YOU GO SEE IT!!  

Bunny Boy, Leveret and Cool Tara are at the Poland Street House.

sunday may 15

The Art Department is another store getting in on that sweet, sweet venue action, this time with Joshua Marcus & Chenda Cope, Snaex (who I love, go see them) and Jerusha Robinson. This starts at 7pm.

John Nels from Rigor Samsa is playing solo at Rising Tide today from 1-4pm. He has an incredible voice and great songwriting skills, go see the guy for shit’s sake. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?

And of course, Flask has their Sundaze dance party. Ta da!!

Ok little stuffers, go forth into the weekend and be all that you can be. Tell your mom she left her cell phone charger at my place.