What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend (+ALLBUNS) Edition!

Greetings! Greetings to you! It’s spring! IS YOUR BEACH BODY READY YET?

It really irritates me that that gif has the silicon valley/hbo logo on it, but TJ Miller's hot fluffy bod is worth it. He's worth it.

It really irritates me that that gif has the silicon valley/hbo logo on it, but TJ Miller's hot fluffy bod is worth it. He's worth it.

HAHAHAHAHA TRICK QUESTION YOUR BODY IS ALWAYS READY FOR THE BEACH, YOU BIG DODO BIRD!

My body, in reality, is actually not really ever ready for the beach, but not for the reasons you think - I just break out in bananas rashes if exposed to the sun or to salt water for more than like a fraction of a second. Girl, I stay pale all summer like a repressed, high-necked Victorian Lady!! Though I do love the beach. I just love it at like, 5pm, when I can no longer get severely sunburned by just walking outside. I like it even better at night, with maybe a bonfire and a tank of gin and tonics large enough to fuel Donald Trump’s unregistered private jet and erase any notion of it being a bad idea for me to go swimming at 11pm.

So, partially in honor of spring and exposing our flabby ground beef bags all over the damn place, today’s episode of WTFSIDT: WE will feature… that’s right… wait for it… WAIT… FOR… IT….

BUNS!

You guys remember buns, right? Well, the 80’s were all about buns. And I miss buns. Buns of all sizes. 80’s buns. 90’s buns. Early aughts buns. Contemporary buns. Vintage buns. FUTURE BUNS. Old buns. New buns. BUNS.

But… why else are we celebrating buns? Famous buns? Legendary buns? Because of this guy:

Yeah. Unless you’ve been living under a large pile of buns, you know already that we lost Prince. PRINCE. Every time I think about it, I vomit on myself and lose a piece of my latent sexuality. But the man loved buns. God love him, he LOVED. BUNS.

I grew up on Prince. Prince FUCKING SHREDDED and gave us pure soulful metal af riffs, but also gave us the smooth sensual jams and the deep musky funk. He also gave us the synth-pop dance anthems that to this day rule every party the moment they arrive. Prince gave us PANTS FEELINGS, y’all, don’t even fucking play with me. Boy, girl, hetero, homo, non-binary, pansexual, asexual, whatever, I don’t give a single fuck who you are, if you’re human, Prince put the fire in your pee pee parts with those smoldering eyes, that sultry voice, the lacy blouses, tight pants and those blistering hot jams. Prince was pansexual, pangender, panracial, pancultural, while also being 100% just PRINCE: the man, the self-actualized SINGULARITY. Everyone loved Prince. It didn’t matter “what he was” because he transcended the need to be defined. Prince wrote killer hit songs for legends like fucking Stevie Nicks AND Chaka Khan AND Madonna and he wrote hit after hit for himself. He performed the best Superbowl halftime show ever (sorry, Lady Bey, you know I love you, but today you’re a runner up, you can dance, but you can’t shred) and his music was the soundtrack to my life. Prince also taught me to open my heart and mind to all kinds of people. Prince was impeccable in his music, his word, his look, his public persona. Prince was a cultural phenomenon that defined a generation and we haven’t seen anyone as deeply talented and fearless and individualistic as him come along since, frankly. And though Prince really hit the mainstream with 1999 and Purple Rain, one of my favorite songs of his is "Controversy," and I love this lyric, so let’s all read it together and sing it to ourselves if we know the melody:

"Do I believe in god, do I believe in me?

Some people want to die so they can be free

I said life is just a game, we're all just the same

Don't you want to play?"

Goodnight and thank you for all your gifts to us, you radiant, back-lit, gem-toned, perfect angel. Let’s all cleanse ourselves in the waters of lake Minnetonka and wear our best purple eye shadow all weekend and - yes - appreciate some great buns and show our gratitude for having won the birth lottery and having existed in the same world you existed in for a fleeting moment of spectacular time.

And now, the buns… I mean, um, all the music this weekend, that is a thing we need to talk about, oh boy.


friday april 22

Tim Shannon, Zak Trojano and Canned Bread are at Blue, kicking your night off with some folksy guitar shit. Dogfish has… yes, it’s true, your eyes do not deceive you: Travis James Humphrey for happy hour, zing-a-ding-ding! And then there is The Waiters at 8pm. No idea what The Waiters are.

Live at 212 has Spillers, Time out Timmy and Battery Steele for free, that’s budget-friendly and heavy duty. Like a store-brand garbage bag!

Spose is at PHOME. Spose is a Maine rapper. I have never seen him play nor have I really listened to his music because I hate 311 and Sublime with a white hot passion, and I guess I associate Spose with that privileged California white dude rap thing, which is not really a thing I’m into at all. Is it your thing? GREAT. You can go to this show then. Enjoy it. I won’t be there, which is actually pretty great for you because hanging out with me is like sucking on a bucket full of sour grapes - you may get drunk, but was the misery worth it? WAS IT WORTH IT?

Ok, here’s your punk show - Gamma Goochies, Cheerwine and The English Muffins are at Geno’s. I actually don’t really think of any of these bands as true punk, they’re all sort of punk-adjacent in my mind. But that bodes well for most people, because I think in this day and age, straight up hard core punk is intolerable for a lot of normals. Everyone likes that goddam contemporary country bullshit because of that moron on The Voice who’s inexplicably banging perfect porcelain doll Gwen Stefani. Think of all these bands as punk influenced with a more melodic core.

Alright, what even is this thing? Something called Flannabis (Flannabis? I might have gone with Flanijuana or even Flanja, but HEY, WHAT DO I KNOW) is bringing us Happy Holidaze at Empire, which I’m guessing is some sort of 4/20 party. It’s a DJ show with KTF, El Shupacabra, Ill by Instinct, Phantom Blade and Wisdom. One supposes that it won’t be a room full of great conversationalists, because if most people are anything like me, they smoke a bunch of weed and then get super paranoid about how other people think they are gross/weird/fat/stupid/lame etc. and then also sandwiches happen. You heard me. Multiple sandwiches. I didn’t get fat by staying sober and just having a salad with the dressing on the side.

Flask has a dance party called Earth with The Rhythm Alliance. Asylum has a special Plague in honor of the full moon. Ok that’s pretty boss, actually. Salvage BBQ has Jerks of Grass.  

The Portland Symphony Orchestra is performing the music of John Williams tonight. Oh, do you not know John Williams? He’s only responsible for the scores to EVERY MOVIE YOU’VE EVER LOVED, including Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, The good Superman, Harry Potter, all the other things… anyway, this is pretty fun stuff, it’s not uncommon for an orchestra to trot this out occasionally, but take your indoor-kid boyfriend to go see this since we don’t know when they’ll do it again.

Another early thing to catch is Preggy Peggy and the Lazy Babymakers, The Asthmatic and 3d Jet (?) Scooter at Strange Maine. This, um, cozy? spot is not for the meek. Also you should know I’m kind of obsessed with the Asthmatic right now because she’s fucking IN CHARGE and weird and fearless and I love her completely insane lyrics. This is free.

Also free is the USM Honors program recital - honorees are undergraduate students doing short works as solo performers - these are the best of the best from the USM music programs.

SeepeopleS are back from tour and are playing Empire with Old, Etc. and Wyld Lyfe. This is your pop/rock show for the weekend. Oh look, a chance to gratuitously promote the video I made for them with local director Christian Colson:

Sylvia plays Genos with Boston’s Come to Grief and NH’s Cactus Hag. This is your metal show for the weekend and you will get your asses blown out, so be careful while you're also being a hard core badass.

Favorite lady DJs Barfhorse and Laura Vanilla are hosting their dance party SLIME BREAK at Flask. These parties are fun, you will have fun.

Studio 55 has burlesque, PHOME has the Bob Charest Band, which… is a wedding band, so not sure what’s going on with that, Dogfish has The Seth Warner Band, Salvage has Erica Brown and the Bluegrass Connection, and Blue has jazz.

Sunday april 2

There’s an Earth Day celebration on Sunday in Congress Square Park from 12-4. Free, with a bunch of low key live music. Though it’s pretty much too late for this. We are fucked, I hope they get that CRISPR thing going to edit in some “surviving the next ice age” genes.

Something called The Cassandra Effect II listening party is at PHOME. The bio says that this person “threw away all the traditional rules of music composition and audio engineering” but apparently s/he also threw away all the rules of fucking telling anyone who s/he is or explaining what the fuck his/her show is. So hopefully s/he is also hoping to throw away all the traditional rules of playing a show for actual human people.

Bad Habit is releasing their new EP at Flask’s SunDaze.

The week ahead:

monday april 25

Buddusky is at Empire with Gold Light, Nesey Gallons and Stefan Pierce.

wednesday april 27

Cryptid Slaughter and Pink Sock are at Geno’s with Michale Graves & Leaving Eden.

Asylum also has rap night tonight. A person who has shared his hatred of me on the Internet for no discernible reason and uses words like “faggot” without irony is releasing an album there tonight. Consider this the first of possibly more future “avoid at all costs” shows. Let’s think of a title for that feature. Your weekly Teenage Suicide (Don’t Do It)?  Brick of The Week? The Weekly Wet Fart? How about What the Fuck Should I Shun Tonight: Asshole edition? THE CHOICES ARE ENDLESS!!!

Alright bun enthusiasts, I hope you got enough buns to get you through the week. Make buns not war XOXOXOXOX FOREVERANDEVERANDEVER VK