Welcome. WELCOME. Welcome, everybody. Welcome to you! And to you! Welcome.
In the scientific diagram above, I am Artax, sinking deeper and deeper into the swamps of sadness, and Atreyu is the wonderful music community of Portland, summoning me out of the deep, buttock-shaped groove of brain-shredded, Nutella-coated depression, a siren's call saying, "so what if you haven't felt good since the Carter administration? Deal with it, you big stupid dum dum. Nobody feels good. You're an adult in America. 'Feeling good' is history's longest-running scam. They made goddam bottle episodes of X Files about 'feeling good,' it's such an elusive thing. Sack up, you piece of shit."
Friday, April 15
It's Tax Day! PSYCH! No it's not! Fuck off for three more whole days, cuz you don't have to last minute your 1040EZ online now until fucking Monday the 18th. Huzzah! America! Let's party instead. Nothing wrong with pre-spending your refund on Negronis. It's Negroni season, bitches! Or Tom Collins season, if you're not into a bitter cocktail. Whatever, it's a light fizzy cocktail season. Spritzer season! My jam is fucking Prosecco with a float of Pimm's Cup. I'll get out of the house for one of those... sometime this year.
The Maine Youth Rock Orchestra are accompanying The Ballroom Thieves at Port City Music Hall. There is a lot of Boston shit playing in town this weekend. The DuPont Brothers from Burlington open.
Why, it's the Kitty Critic Concert II at SPACE! It's Samuel James, Spencer Albee, Pretty Sad, Isobell and Clara Junken and some other sweet ass performers. This is in support of Jim LeJames and Samuel James' online series Kitty Critic, in which they play music for cats. It's shit like this that makes me want Samuel James and Jim LeJames to like me. Like, I care what they think of me now because they play killer music and love cats and know enough people with cats to make a fucking series about it. But, like every other boy alive between the years of 1976 to 2016, they don't even know I exist... *LE SIGH*...
Shipyard/Phoenix/WCYY media mogul Mark Curdo is hosting a record store day pre party at Thirsty Pig with Bull Moose. It says they'll play some of the limited releases a day early so you can hear them in advance and that you can go to chat with other record collectors. Heh. "chat with other record collectors." Sounds fun, Pam!
Plague has DJ's Arcanus and 8Bit, Flask has Friction Fridays which is their dnb night, Styxx has the Dirty Money Drag Show, RiRa has Portsmouth band Shira and the Supraphonics, Salvage has something probably but still hasn't updated their damn web site like I yelled at them for last week, but go there anyway to hear whatever it is they have, Dogfish has LQH and of course, without fail, Travis James Humphrey for happy hour, Blue has Monarck Lisa, and A Space for Grace has the last of their Drift after hours parties of the season with a collection of local djs and electronic artists.
That fucking Phish cover band Partdon Me, Doug is in town at PHOME though, so prepare to be really angry playing for a room full of crickets, every other artist, and don't walk past PHOME so you don't get angry at everyone you know getting their w00k on after they told you they were too tired to go out that night but they'd "be sure to catch you next time, bro."
Saturday, April 16
Jimmy Jacked, Port City Saints and Sonic Libido are at Live at 212 in Westbrook. Has anyone actually been to this place? Please, will someone go over there with me to this venue so I don't keep writing about it without knowing what the fuck it is?
Everything is terrible.
Look at this fucking sketchy ass bullshit: SS Cretins, Buddusky, Hopeless Losers, Cool Tara and Friends of the Road are having a big ass house party at 245 St. John Street. Is it weird that this also feels oddly like the most compelling thing going on tonight? I bet the sound will be absolute shit, but that's why it's fun.
Mama's Boomshack is playing a tribute to Sly & The Family Stone at PHOME. Empire has their Throwbacks dance party with DJ KTF. Blue has jazz.
Here we go. Maine Children for Cannabis Therapy is having a concert at One Longfellow Square to raise money for the cause. It's local artists playing classic covers. This show features, apparently, a band with one of my favorite names ever, Analog Salad. What? You heard me. Analog Salad. Srsly tho can you not give children therapeutic doses of medical cannabis in this state? I had never even thought about that. Probably way better for kiddos than fucking ritalin or xanax or whatever they give kids for anxiety.
Nuclear Bootz, Bumbling Woohas, Buck Gooter and Captain Martini and the Key Stoners are at Genos. Not sure what to make of this lineup, but if I actually leave the house this weekend I'll probably be at Geno's at some point, so maybe I'll figure out what, exactly, is happening with this.
UFF has a Hootenanny. There doesn't appear to be local music, but apparently you can perform, it's like an open mic thing? Someone go and report back from the front lines, I'm curious.
This is cool, Thirsty Pig has Kris Rogers and the Dirty Gems, An Overnight Low and Ryan Halliburton and the Stills. Way to throw down the local music for RSD.
Sunday April 17
Two of USM's veteran conductors are retiring. See them with the Portland Symphony today as a last hurrah at Merrill Auditorium.
Blue has Connor Garvey and some out of town support.
Monday April 18 - Thursday April 21
Wednesday: it's 4/20, braaahhhh! Heady. Jeff Beam, Dominic and the Lucid, Soft Eyes and Carinae are at Bunker Brewing.
Thursday: FENIMORE (from Hi Tiger) and Bright Boy are at Bearded Lady's Jewel Box, FENIMORE is releasing his first full length album. By telling you that this is the coolest thing you can do this week, does that make it uncool?
Thursday: SS Cretins, El Malo and Bong Wish play Empire for $3 a ticket.
Alright. Go then. Just go. DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEE, JUST WALK AWAY.