How’s your hangover, Portland!? Did you go out last night? Did you drink green beer? How about corned beef and cabbage, did you have any of that? I find that in general, a large hunk of brisket boiled in water with a bunch of white potatoes and hospital-waiting-room-green cabbage is just not that appealing. Irish people, why u always tryna boil shit? Along with all the parades and pukers, it does not help your reputation as a culture of bland drunkards, which I happen to know that you are, in fact, not. Sure, what culture doesn’t have the bland and drunk among them, I mean Russia actually made Boris Yeltsin, the blandest and drunkest among them, the fucking president and Germany has The Hoff and America’s got Matthew Perry. I’m just saying, hey dog, put the brisket and the potatoes and the cabbage in the oven, don’t be shy. It may not be traditional, but cooking technology has come a long way. Let your food reflect the richness of your culture. And no, I'm not hating, I can make fun of Irish food because I'm part Ukranian and all we eat are potatoes too.
But don’t be making like, fucking corned beef foam with freeze dried cabbage amuse bouches or some shit. NO. Too far. BACK THE FUCK UP, MOLECULAR GASTRONOMY PEOPLE. AMUSE BOUCHE RHYMES WITH HUGE DOUCHE BECAUSE OF EXACTLY WHY YOU THINK IT DOES.
I mean, if I could just eat sandwiches for the rest of my life, I’d be fine, but I have to be all fucking careful about what I eat now because I am fat, old and have high fucking cholesterol somehow. Remember cholesterol? What is this, 1988? I figured concern about cholesterol was just hanging out somewhere with Janet Jackson and a stack of Lotus 1-2-3 installation diskettes in whatever government bunker in which they store hilarious relics of an ancient time. Anyway, so I’m pretty much crushing the juicing and power bowl plan like a really un-fun person who hates fun and doesn’t want to have fun anymore. Maybe I’ll live an extra 30 minutes before the cancer and diabetes come to take me, yaaaayyyyy.
Or maybe I’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow while crossing the street. Unrelated but awesome side note, I made arrangements yesterday for this song to be played as my carcass gets fed into the cremation oven, and I have to say, I'm pretty excited for the morgue workers because it's totally gonna be epic:
My point? Live it up while you’ve still got gas in the tank. I still know how to fucking party. Here we go.
Friday, March 18
Clara Junken is at Blue. I love her, go see her.
Dean Ford & The Keepsakes are at RiRa. I also love him and Renee, you know, it's covers and it's at RiRa, it's not for us. Let the normcores have this, just this once.
Travis James Humphrey is taking a break from the happy hour circuit (Portland’s answer to a Celine Dion style standing gig in Vegas) to do a John Prine and Patti Griffin tribute show with Kristel Hayes to benefit One Longfellow Square.
Portland’s Born Under a Bad Sign and Leash are with Boston bands Ascend/Descend, Vaulted and Aneurysm at dBasement. The Facebook invite has an FMI link now, so you can actually find out ahead of time where you are supposed to be and when for these shows. I love the mystery, but they have compelling shit at these shows so it’s nice to see them being demystified for us normals so we can go too.
Recent Portland ex-pat Jay Bragg is back to head up this month’s edition of Roots in the Attic at Empire. Portland’s Starcrossed Losers and Joel Thetford are also on this bill, along with Brooklyn’s Crushed Out. I think this will be a good one,it’s an interesting lineup. And I love the band name Starcrossed Losers, how clever to just change that one letter and have the phrase mean something else entirely, and the proximity to the classic phrase puts a little ironic English on it. Good job.
Saturday, March 19
Fifth Freedom and Drivetrain host Boston’s No/Hugs at Flask.
Geno’s has been letting their big sloppy grizzled punk heart warm up to indie shit (just like, the teeniest tiniest bit) lately. I’m digging it. Everyone will love you if you let them, Geno’s! It’s just that nobody knows how funny your jokes are or that you basically make the best onion dip at your Superbowl parties or that you’re always the one on speed dial when one of your friends blows a tire. You’re intimidating. The scowl, the leather jacket, the mohawk, the tattoos. Normals just don’t get you. BUT! The latest is tonight's indie folk show with Wicked Woods, The Bumbling Woohas and Myles Bullen. Should be good.
Empire is also changing the format of things up just a little bit by adding a band to their Throwbacks party with DJ KTF. Tickle joins for a band vs. dj format. Cool.
Walkenhorse is at RiRa. I know nothing of the band or the venue.
As a tribute to Lux Interior of The Cramps, The Gamma Goochies, Thee Ice Picks and Video Nasties, along with DJ Matt Little and Kogar the Swinging Ape are hosting the Lux Lives event here in Portland at Bayside Bowl. For all you punk and psychobilly folks.
Is Motor Booty Affair from Maine? It seems like they are but since they’re going with the whole birthed from the inspiration from Parliament Funkadelic thing and list their hometown as Planet Disco or some shit, I can’t tell. It seems like a lot of you have “liked” them on facebook, which I know doesn’t mean much. Anyway, they’re at PHOME tonight, so you can go there and get your disco on, or maybe your funk on, 70’s music one way or another.
Sunday March 20
Weakened Friends are opening for Mayday Parade and The Maine at The State Theatre. Go on, guys, get it! Great opening gig, we proud of u even though none of us can afford the $30 ticket.
There’s also another Food Fight at PHOME… is this round 2? Didn’t this happen last week?