What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Valentine's Day Weekend Edition!

OH HAIIIIII EVERYBODY!

Which arbitrary, made-up-only-to-drive-consumerism holiday that we celebrate in America do you think is a bigger disappointment? New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s day? Because I mean I really feel like these holidays are very specifically set up to create a sense of emptiness and need within us - look to your left on NYE and the happy couple is smooching with champagne, and look to your right and a group of model-thin women are dancing and selfie-ing and HAVING THE BEST TIME EVER, OMG (you never get to see the fight in the car on the way home or the cocaine hangover that The Heathers have to deal with the next day). And on Valentine’s day, forget it. No significant other in the history of Hallmark has ever lived up to the great expectations of their honey pie. It’s impossible. Couples are always mismatched that way. You’re all, “I hope he shows up outside my window in a trenchcoat with a boombox playing “In Your Eyes,” and then we take a long walk and kiss in the rain,” and he’s all, “Maybe she’ll finally let me do anal tonight if I just stop by this Walgreens and get some $7.99 Andre Champagne and this stuffed tiger that sings “Ladies Night.” Either way, everyone’s life is always better than yours on New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day.

"But honey, I don't even know where to buy a boombox with a tape deck in it!! And you know I bike everywhere, geez..."

"But honey, I don't even know where to buy a boombox with a tape deck in it!! And you know I bike everywhere, geez..."


Here, let’s vote:

Anyway, so there are four types of going out on Valentine’s day weekend. You’re either going out to troll for a bang-butler or a bang-maid, or you’re going out to get que que romantica con su corazon de amor, or you’re going out to be like, “FUCK YOU OTHER HUMANS I AM A LONE WOLF I NEED NO ONE” and you’re pretty much hoping this year doesn’t end up like last year, with you draped over the sticky bartop of whichever establishment was dumb enough to serve you until last call, sobbing uncontrollably into a lukewarm domestic beer before going home and stalking your high school crush on Facebook and trying to masturbate before passing out sitting up, OR you’re like, “I choose not to run” and truly just want to get a fucking beer in peace.

Or, if you’re like me, you’ll be home, determined to eat the entire jumbo box of heart chocolates you bought yourself. Because, TRADITION!  

Anyway, this weekend the event gods have been kind enough to give us at least one of every type of go-out. Let’s find out more, shall we?

Friday February 12

Emo Night III is happening at PHOME Featuring members of Better Than, Weakened Friends, Worried Well, Sparks The Rescue and The Box Tiger.  Your mileage on this one will significantly depend upon your age - not because of the bands, they're all good. It's the source materials they're working with tonight. Do not attempt this if you are over the age of 35. You will feel worse and you will feel very old unless you don’t think about those things, but I bet you do you fucking liar. However, if you are A Youth, you may find your true love here mouthing the words to some fucking New Found Glory song or some shit, I don’t know, do what you want, youthpeoples.

Poland Street is having a benefit show with Psychic Pictionary to raise money for their new PA. There’s nothing sexy or romantic about a basement, folks, and I would think that most normcores will find Psychic Pictionary’s lyrics a bit too disturbing to be romantic. HOWEVER, the ghoulish among you may find all of this very sexy. For the lone wolves, this show works out if you’ve got friends here. DIY shows are not for the meek, so don’t go if you’re feeling fragile. Speaking of ghoulish, Plague is also at Asylum tonight.

The Great North, A Traitor's Pact, Devils Nite Out, Wasted Mortality play the Pre Valentines Day Massacre at Live @ 212 Westbrook. Heavy Metal on VD Weekend is a real treat for the disenfranchised.

I guess if you’re looking to just chill and enjoy your sensible sweater and craft beer in like, a way more chill way, man, Viva and the Reinforcements at Dogfish is probably the ticket. 

Aces is at Salvage BBQ. You and bae elbow deep in bbq sauce? Or how about that hot bitch chowing on some chili alone in the corner?

Flask has Foundation Friday. Go here to dance and get sweaty with some hot slice of wasted garbage. Find your smoosh buddy here.

Cool Tara and $300 with Black Hatch (NH) and Elephants (MA) are at Geno’s. This is a garage pop show, and Cool Tara is really grinding on it right now so come see them before they either get huge or break up.

Empire has a Tribute 2 Florence and the Machine. I feel like we are starting to get super stretchy on the artists on whose bodies of work they’re basing these tribute 2 shows. FatM doesn’t strike me as being that legendary that they need a tribute show, also they are 100% contemporary, as in their music has been at the height of its popularity in the past 10 years. This event might have been better imagined as like a Tribute 2 Lillith Fair or some shit and they could have done songs from Ani, Florence, Sarah, Amy and Emily, Tori etc. Look, or also I’m probably just fucking lame and don’t ‘get it’ with FatM. Occam’s razor is a thing, so let’s just look at that as the most obvious explanation for why I’m being a curmudgeonly bitch about this show. It will be packed as shit tho so have fun and bring a 3 day supply of zithromax.

STYXX has the Reckless Hearts Drag Show, which sounds like a hoot. I am a very tall person and this one time I was wearing these like super high heels that had gold glitter all over them, and this little drunk dude comes up to me and goes, “are you a drag queen?” and I go, “no, but thank you.” It’s one of the greatest conversations I’ve ever had and also made me feel really good because I’ll never be as hot or thin or like, generally just great, as a drag queen. Le sigh.

 

Raging brass Reggae is at Bayside Bowl. For those who are really burying their heads in the sand about this whole VD thing, and Starcrossed Losers and El Malo are at Blue. Hooray. 

Saturday February 13

Space has Colby Nathan, Caethua and Tom Kovacevic. This promises to be a dark, meditative affair, take your date if you want to scare the shit out of him or her.

Two Spirit Love is a thing in the afternoon at Local Sprouts - local educator Jess Muise is taking a road trip to raise awareness about transgenderism and veganism. There is local music from    Kevin Haleÿ  , Connor Watson, Peter Leonard, Douglas Porter, Will Bradford and a silent auction and other stuff to help raise money to fund the trip. This is an afternoon thing at LS, so you can come and sip your chai and eat your vegan cupcake and shit in the dying light of a cold, cold February sun. 

Here’s some other cool shit, there’s a Tango Dance with Milonga del Mercado at UFF, Blues Prophets are at One Longfellow Square, Live @212 in Westbrook has a Screw VD party, sure, ok, Kafari is at Blue, and A Space for Grace is having an afterparty for the Joe Russo show, I guess he’s at the State Theatre or some shit, I don't know I don't listen to that hippie bullshit for simpletons who like drugs and call it a "lifestyle."

The big Valentine’s Day deal is this Portland in Love thing with  Lyle Divinsky, Model Airplane and Sara Hallie RIchardson and the Portland Symphony Orchestra at Merrill Auditorium. I don’t know too much about it, but it looks like they’ll be doing standards and then some symphonic interpretations of Lyle, Sara and Model Airplane’s songs.

Then, after that, Lyle and Model Airplane go over to play a second show at PHOME for their Symphony and Spirits afterparty. This is like those buildings in Manhattan that are forced by city law to have a certain number of affordable apartments in them, so they build a poor people entrance on the side so the folks who are paying $2,000 a month for their 450sf studio don’t have to mingle with the rich people who pay $5.2 million for their park view apartments. What I’m saying is that if you can’t afford the Merrill show or don’t want to mingle with your grandma on a day that’s about rim jobs and roses, then go to the PHOME version of this.

You can't afford it, you can't afford it, you can't afford it....

You can't afford it, you can't afford it, you can't afford it....

Empire has Dominic and the Lucid’s Cummerbund Soiree. What is this? Are we all wearing cummerbunds? Here is the event description:

An evening of elegant enchantment with Dominic and The Lucid and other cummerbund aficionados. Guest appearance from the one and only Tony Chexmix and dance party afterward with DJ Stupid Cupid

I don’t know 80% of those words. What are "enchantment?" I also don’t have a cummerbund, but I could make one. Someone tell me what to do here.

Last thing we have is the Valentine’s Eve Prom with Foam Castles, Sunset Hearts and John Hughes Radio at Port City Music Hall. I will tell you I love all of these bands and PCMH has a pretty perfect sound system so it’s hard to pass this up because hearing bands like Sunset Hearts - whom I’ve mostly heard on like, outdoor shitshow sound systems - on PCMH’s PA will be a real treat. John Hughes Radio, who, yes it’s true, I have made fun of in the past for their sartorial choices, have a video out in which they appear not to be wearing best-selling items from Chess King, and I like it, go watch it:

Alright then, look, this VD weekend please try not to catch VD. Wrap that shit up if you're one night standing it, and keep Portland clean for future bangings. I hope everyone finds or has love this weekend and, if nothing else, know this: I LOVE YOU. SO HARD. 



PS don't drink and drive, come on you already know this.