What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Hot Trashsylvania Halloween Edition!

WELCOME TO SPOOOOOOOKY TRASHSYLVANIA!

UH

DOUBLE UP

UH UH!

 I like butt gifs and I cannot lie. You other bloggers can't deny.

I like butt gifs and I cannot lie. You other bloggers can't deny.

That’s right motherfuckers, it’s the best weekend of the year! It’s the greatest season of them all! Maybe some of you love summer. Maybe some of you are Christmas people. Fuck all that, shit for brains, you’re idiots. The best time of the year is so very obviously mid fall, when the weather grows cold, the mind turns inward to the winding, uncharted labyrinth of the soul, the ghouls and ghosts come out to play and Halloween gets a red hot shocker from Dia de los Muertos bringing up the rear. Here, I wrote a song about it, sing it with me or go fuck yourself, don’t even care:

It's the most spookiest time of the year
With our costumes all telling
Of magical spellings and terrible fears!
It’s the most spookiest time of the year!

It’s the most damnable season of all
With those satanic greetings and evil cult meetings
When ghouls come to call!
It’s the most damnable season of all!

There’ll be parties for haunting
And evil clowns taunting
And demons both friendly and foe!
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the goriest
Halloweens long, long ago!

It’s the MOST SPOOKIEST TIME OF THE YEARRRRRRR!!!!!!

 Oh, you guys, stop it! I blush, I blush.

Oh, you guys, stop it! I blush, I blush.

There have already been a large number of Halloween events going on this past week, and there are so very many more. No time for love Dr. Jones, let’s just get right into it. Here, I bequeath upon thee, your 2016 HOT TRASHSYLVANIA Halloween Weekend Compendium of Fucking Festive As Fuck Frights!

Friday October 28

Five of the Eyes, Weakened Friends, Eldemur Krimm, KG Freeze and Mirth aren’t fucking around this Halloween, starting the weekend off strong at PHOME for what they’re callling “HIGH FIVE.” Because, five bands, you see. Plus probably a weed reference? Or maybe a reference to how tall terrifying IRL devil-made-flesh Fred Dodge is? Anyway, all your friends will be here, so you probably want to get a ticket in advance or it will sell out. Have fun!

The Maine Academy of Modern Music is having a show called Ghoul of Rock (see what I mean? THIS SEASON HAS THE BEST PUNS AND CLEVER WORDPLAY), at which the kiddos take over Bayside Bowl. All ages, $5 and a costume party taboot.

Live at 212 is having a Halloween show featuring Drivetrain, with The Womps, NO Hugs (Boston), Leeds Point (NY), Arta’sin, Time out Timmy and Sonic Libido. If you get yourself out there and find yourself drinking, please don’t goddam drive home.

I don’t really understand what this is, other than that their fb description is yelling at me and Sam James appears to be playing this.

Avant Dance and Event Center is having a Halloween dance with a lesson at 7:15 and a dance thereafter. But what kind of dance is it? Ballroom?

Meanwhile, over at Maine Ballroom Dance, Friday Night Stomp seems to be saying eff you, you effwording a hole to Halloween generally by having a non-thematic swing dance, this time with a focus on soul music. YASSSSS. Lesson at 7, dance at 7:30.

Blue has a new band called Top Brahmen! (hilarious) and then a touring act Audrey Harrar and then Sassquatch.

Three left-of-center acts Beguiling Isles, White Gourd and Legion are at Oxbow tonight. This is hosted by the Apohadion Theatre and has a bit of a spooky theme with a tarot card inspired act and some other creepiness. This is one of those insidery deals where they’re like, “Brendan will be playing with Colby,” like everyone is supposed to know who they are somehow. The point, however, is that THE RIGHT people will know who they are. The rest of us will just have to go get over our social anxiety long enough to find out who Brendan and Colby are and then we can be like, “oh, you weren’t at Brendan and Colby’s show? Like, everyone was there.” I clearly want to be relevant and popular so bad, even though I’m old enough to have kids who are old enough to not be relevant or popular either.

Kat Wright and the Indomitable Soul Band and Armies are at PCMH.

Over at Flask, free end of month dance party Black Friday is happening with Don Damiani and Jams Frrever. Their fb event invites you to come test out your halloween costume, a concept I quite enjoy. Like, you don’t have to go all out, we cool. That’s how you do it.

Plague is having their Halloween Goth Ball tonight. Just a general Halloween theme. $5 all night.

Empire is having what feels like an EXTREMELY STRUCTURED Halloween party tonight. To wit:

Holy Smoke, a new Portland group kicks off the night. At the end of their set, the terrifying "Tickle" (Bonfire Films) will be screened. Then Boston's Diablogato take the stage. After their killer set, the first half of the critically acclaimed "Suffer the Little Children" (Bonfire Films adaptation of a Stephen King story) will be shown. Then John Hughes Radio will provide a set of Synth Dance Rock. Then we will finish the festivities with the announcement of the Costume Contest Winners, and close with the second half of "Suffer The Little Children" to finish off this insanely fun night.

Will there be someone with a clipboard to ensure this is all going to plan? Time will tell.

The still-active-elder-punks of the Portland scene are having a pre-Halloween party at 111A Anderson Street with All Night, Battery Steele, Zachary and Maximus as the Misfits, and Big White as Big Black.

There’s probably like 8,000 other things going on (what of you, geno’s?) but the last thing I know about is the Crimewave guys having a house party or something? I don’t know, you do the reading, I’m exhausted.

Saturday October 29

The up and coming youth artists of our fair city are having a party/show with some regional bands called Spook Central! It sounds really fun.

Live at 212 is hosting a free show with Acadia, The Restless Atlantic, Years Go By, Port City Saints, Beggars and 10801. I hate pop punk with every fiber of my being so I can’t go to this, but I know that many of you “get” pop punk in the way that I “get” The Grateful Dead and you know what, I won’t shame you if you don’t shame me. Enjoy!

Over at Hella Good Tacos, if you want to spill some like, habanero sauce on your Halloween costume or some shit, you can see five bands: Uncle Spud, Bad Leg, No Good, Ceiling Fan Trauma and A Bird Among Men.

Bayside Bowloween looks super fun with OGRE, Vandalizer and The Tarantula Brothers. OGRE is a hermetic yet accomplished doom metal band. Best suit up.

And then of course we have the 4th annual Purple Brainz, Dean Ford's annual Halloween tribute to Prince at PCMH! Get tickets in advance, this will sell out. Dean Ford gives good Prince.

Equality Maine's annual Halloween Great Pumpkin Ball has a couple of things going for it. Firstly, there's Lady Ginger, the BADASS FUCKING QUEEN most likely to ascend to the Portland drag throne that Cherry Lemonade has vacated. Secondly, it's in a goddam Masonic temple. Duh. OF COURSE we all want to party in a Masonic temple on fucking Halloween. Lastly, it benefits Equality Maine. You're a fucking idiot with a small, brainwashed mind if you don't want LGBTQIA++ people to have the same civil rights as you, to walk the streets safely, to be treated as you would wish to be treated, without a thought or a second glance. I can't believe that's still a thing that needs to be said. FUCK. I figure that there's one great equalizer, no matter who you love, what your unique genetics has created for your skin tone or general look, no matter to what religious dogma you subscribe or how you identify with your society, generally. And that is that everybody poops. Let's just remember that ultimately we're just one big tube of poop, no matter who we are. No tube of poop is better than any other tube of poop.

Except Beyonce. She obviously doesn't poop and she's clearly better than all of us.

 Keep walking, no poop tubes here. Slay.

Keep walking, no poop tubes here. Slay.

The Awesome are at PHOME tonight doing an 80's cover party.

Victoria Mansion is hosting a Tim Burton themed masquerade ball that is obvs way too expensive for normals. This shit looks cool but it's so clearly the Rothschild party of Portland, Maine. Fuck you guys, have fun printing money and laughing at poors or whatever it is you do.

 Sure, this party seems normal and very chill.

Sure, this party seems normal and very chill.

Take your normcore cousin from out of town to this Spirit of Portland party at the Portland Expo building that has Motor Booty Affair with their NOT AT ALL CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE WHITE GUYS IN OFFENSIVE AFRO WIGS and Hello Newman who I think play contemporary covers. How's that for a recommendation?

Speaking of culturally insensitive things, there's that band that claims their name is a nickname for a big fat joint but is in reality when you get out of your bubble of sheltered white New England male privilege an offensive name that sucks so hard, supporting Dub Apocalypse at Empire

Leash, Coagula, Apollyon and Cadaverette are all at Geno's tonight. Killer. Don't expect too many costumes tho because this is a show for people who live every night like it's Halloween night.

There's a big fucking party at Circus Maine tonight. If you are only just reading about this now, you're probably not going to get a ticket. You can try tho. Love and luck to you on your journey.

SPACE is doing their annual Halloween party in which bands drag up as other bands. This year, Sunset Hearts will be The Smiths, The Blood Caps will be New Order, The English Muffins will be Bikini Kill, and members of Leveret and New Order will be LCD Soundsystem. Also likely to sell out, don't be a slag and wait on tickets.

Flask is hosting a not really Halloween themed show to raise money for Learning Works.

You heard Styxx is closing? It's fucking crap, I hate it. Their last Halloween party is tonight. I'm sure this space will make a really lovely boozy milkshake/meatball shop/design and lifestyle studio/other thing that is not even a little bit useful to people who live here space.

Sunday October 30

I'm not going to go too deep on Sunday because there's not much - but you should maybe burn off all those booze calories from Friday and Saturday in the Dispatch Halloween 5K Road Race this morning.

Monday October 31

Bogtrotter and Supersillyus are at Empire tonight. If you like that kind of festie electronica, bring your hoop and get it.

Blue has their Monstah Bash III with comedy, guilty pleasures cover songs and more. This actually sounds super fun. I wish Blue weren't so expensive. 

The Apohadion Theatre has Karl Blau, Lake and Dimples East, at Oxbow. They report on the event page that there is more Halloweenieness to come on this event, so stay tuned I guess? 

Henry Rollins is at Port City Music Hall, but you already knew that, because it's sold out. Wrestle a friend for a ticket or just steal one from someone you hate. 

My favorites Barfhorse and Laura Vanilla are hosting a Halloween episode of their dance party SLIME at Flask. 

There's probably a million other things, though, amirite!? I'll keep the calendar updated throughout the weekend. 

Ok devils and demons and dastardly delights, go forth and spook your way to another dimension! But let's get serious for a minute. If there's ever a night to spring for the uber, to spring for the 207 Taxi, it's Halloween and its associated weekend activities. Please be careful, please watch out for your drunk friends, watch out for people getting roofied or dosed or something, that shit JUST happened to a friend of mine and it can be devastating and it is so violating. Just take care, my friends. I love you so much. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO MUCH because ooh you're like the sun, chasing all of the rain away, when you come around there'll be brighter days. You're the perfect one, for me and you forever will be, and I will love you so, for ALLLLLWAAAYYYYSSSS!

 Let's get married. Just an idea? I mean no big deal. 

Let's get married. Just an idea? I mean no big deal.