Look it’s no secret I had a nervous breakdown yesterday. Yeah, I fucking wrote about it fool, because I have neither shame, nor dignity, nor friends to talk about this shit with. Life is hard and I’m stressed out, boo. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does. Yes, GOD DAMMIT SHUT UP yes, I KNOW, I know. Ok? I know I’m firmly in the fucking banana zone. Nobody knows that more than me. Last night after going absolutely balls out crazy out in the world like a feral cat on mescaline, The Greek rescued me, as he does, and I was talking to him about Rugby quadrants. What’s a rugby quadrant, you ask? Yes, I’d like to know too. This whole web site may be a documentation of a person’s descent into full on madness. They’ll be studying me 100 years from now in universities across this country HAHAHAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING CLIMATE CHANGE WILL HAVE DESTROYED OUR WAY OF LIFE BY THEN THERE WON’T BE ANY UNIVERSITIES LEFT.
Jesus. I mean, look, I wrote it, I’m just gonna commit to it. Lean in.
Oh hey also you guys I thought of a great name for an all girl funk band: Soul Vag. Someone form that band, and that name is for you, totally free of charge. You’re welcome.
Oh also I am writing this new thing in Dispatch which lets me be a little bit more funny and cover way more bands and shit, so send me your shit and go get the newest copy of Dispatch and after you’re done masturbating to the cover, wash your hands and read my Sound Quad on page 32.
Friday January 29
Ghosts of Johnson City at Blue. Obviously. We don’t have to keep covering how awesome these guys are, right. YOU FUCKING INGRATE LEARN TO READ. Heh. I just realized if you don’t know how to read how could you have read that. OK, then. Raging Brass Reggae play after them.
Tribute 2: Yacht Rock at Empire. I choose this. ME! I CHOOSE IT! I love Yacht Rock the show and have an abiding love for the music of that period and so does everyone else and you’re an evil shitball fuckface if you don’t love “Danny’s Song.” When’s the last time you watched the video for “Out of Touch?” Oh, NEVER? YOU HAVEN’T LIVED. In fact, if you have an hour, treat yourself to all 11 episodes of Yacht Rock and fall madly in love with Hunter Stair and JD Ryznar (Loggins and McDonald, respectively) and Hollywood Steve and shut the fuck up about it and come party at this bullshit.
This is the best episode of YR, as far as I'm concerned. "Hall and I cannot stand idly by while you California Vagina Sailors stab the American airways in the balls with your shit music."
Poetry, you soggy quesaritas.
Ancient Ocean Scores the Short Films of John Whitney with Herbcraft, Sterile Garden and Sweetleaf & Herb. They still have that little grotto set up inside of Space and I guess they’ll be going in there to show these little films that have a very early DIY verion of special effects. I don’t know much about them, but this just seems very very cool. Probably too cool for me.
Here’s other stuff, El Grande, Zeme Libre and Sonic Libido are at Geno’s. I have seen El Grande once, and they reminded me of this funk jam supergroup with Michael Schrieve who was the drummer for Santana that I used to go see every week at this place called Tost in Seattle. It was a real sweaty toilet of dreadlocks and strangers making out. I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.
Flask has their TRAP night Black Friday, Salvage has Erica Brown and the Bluegrass Connection, Dogfish has - wait for it - Travis James Humphrey! PHOME has Nick Perry’s Brass Tax Video Release Show with Caleb Orion and Push/Shove. Something called a Krewe De Groove is at Ri Ra. Does anyone who actually lives in Portland hang out there? Just curious.
Saturday, January 30
Rent’s due, motherfuckers, party responsibly.
Thee Icepicks, Jonee Earthquake, Gamma Goochies, Lipstick Boys and The Money$ are at Hella Good Tacos. I enjoyed the shit out of Thee Icepicks last weekend at Geno’s after seeing Anarkitty at Asylum. I’d go to this show if it weren’t at Hella Good Tacos. I just feel like it’s a really long ass bill to sit through at a non-venue.
Tigerman WOAH! is at PHOME. I know they’re not local but they may as well be. I also don’t have the energy to go investigate whether the other three bands on the bill that I’ve never heard of are local. I’m still recovering from my nervous breakdown. You fucking figure it out, I’m tired of doing everything for you, dicktits.
Alright now this is very special, and I’m not even being sarcastic saying that: come to SPACE Gallery for A Cold, Cold Night, which is a big bill of locals all playing together. Here, read this from the event page:
Come get warm on A Cold, Cold Night with an eclectic cast of our city's finest performers and songsmiths. The thawing and melting of hearts will be handled expertly by Samuel James, Wesley Hartley, Hi Tiger, Psychic Pictionary, Leaf Peeper, Kafari, The Asthmatic, Morgan Bouton, and id m theftable.
The evening will also include The Occult Workout,Superhero Lady Armwrestlers of Portland (SLAP), a Portland Love Story, the cold, cold blooded thrills of Amandaconda, the poetry of Tricia Pryce Henley, hot toddies, and a very special award ceremony. Join us for a celebration of the beautiful, strange, and wonderful things that make Portland the place we love even during its darkest days.
January 30th, 2016
7:30 doors, 8:30 show
$7 advance, $10 at the door
COOL, right? I fucking love Kafari and Hi Tiger and Samuel James and Leaf Peeper, I’m psyched. I reviewed Leaf Peeper’s split album with Vesper Chimes in this month’s Dispatch too. Go read it the album is a fetid, rotting pile of wonderful, brilliant diarrhea.
Ok Flask has a fucking dance party called Slime and the DJ’s listed are Barfhorse, Double Dessert and Laura Vanilla, and I’m not entirely sure that those are separate people. I think that they’re all the same person. Can anyone confirm that? Whatever, this party is called Slime and it has one lady DJ performing under 3 different names potentially, that’s fucking rad and I want to go because this bitch is my new role model. Barfhorse, call me, girl!!
The Kafari Trio is at Blue, he’s with Adam Frederick and Henry Redman and they’re doing a semi-improvised set. Kafari is pretty brilliant. He plays piano, doncha know. You should hear him play. Please make that happen for yourself, I mean I don’t fucking care if you go to your grave without a goddam bit of culture ever having entered your big dumb ear holes, but I mean you may have different goals for yourself. Ugh, good luck being you, dink.
Sunday January 31
Anyway, that’s all of the events that came to me in FB and go fuck yourself it’s late, I’m tired, I’m crazy and I have a sandwich to go digest so I’m not doing any research for all the rest of the venues except for Salvage because I love them and want to hump their dead, smoked carcasses with my mouth, they have… are you ready? TRAVIS JAMES HUMPHREY!
I fucking love this town.