It’s cold. Get drunk. Don’t fall! Get out your slanket and fill it with farts. Use the crock pot. Eat carbs, you’re fine. When I first moved here, a coworker donned the accent and told me that “a good Maine woman keeps you warm in the wintah and gives you shade in the summah.” So just pack it in, kids, we dig fatties up here. Cause it’s fucking cold and fat keeps you warm. Like a whale! Also, fat guys are cute. Good for bangin’. So are fat girls! How are you skinny people even goddam alive right now? Does the wind not just blow right through you? Do you have some sort of mobile warming bubble like John Travolta? I find it weird that you’re not just eating all the fucking time just to stay warm. I sure the fuck am. I just ate the shit out of some fucking hearty-as-fuck-for-a-cold-winter’s-night shit. What’s that, you want to be healthy? Well it doesn’t have to be junk, jackhole, cook up some goddam fucking stew or some shit, it’s stew weather. What about a regionally ethnic stew? Maybe a paprikash or a stroganov. Or, hey! What about a fricasee? Just put some fucking potatoes in it and it will be fine. You’ll figure it out, you’ve lived here longer than me.
Or we could go have Pho together. Invite me to Pho, put that giant bowl of blistering hot fried tofu and veggies and fucking floating cilantro bits in front of me and watch in horror as I dump half a bottle of sriracha all over the thing and eat the raw jalapenos straight and I’ll do anything for you. ANYTHING! Except that. Uh, not that either. You fucking pervert, now I don’t even want to have fucking pho with you, who even are you? (psst… here’s my number. Just take it and shut up, text me later).
Ok so anyway I suspect that a well-worn, kid tested and mother approved strategy for staying warm involves not leaving the house. You know, in this weather. Just stay inside. Except don’t, huh. There’s actually some legit as fuck shit happening out there this weekend, it’s a great time for local shit because it’s a bad time to tour unless you have enough money to not have to deal with having to hire a pack of huskies to haul your band van down the Interstate. So come join me on a vision quest, a ritual journey to the core of your being, and by that I mean hearing quality music over quality cocktails and quality conversation with ME, your old pal VK.
Friday January 22
Remember that thing I said about eating? Salvage BBQ has King Memphis. Dogfish has, of course, happy hour with Travis James Humphrey and then they have 4th Friday Jazz. The Thirsty Pig is celebrating their 5 year anniversary with Mosart212 and DJ Babyjay. Get your eat on, you deserve it.
Gunther Brown is releasing his new album at - where else - Portland House of Music because apparently everyone releases their albums there now. I haven’t listened to his new album yet, and this is one of those rare instances in which the band photo makes me want to listen to it even more, because they certainly look like a hardened religious cult that lives in the woods and will have their leader wash you, put you in a white high collared dress, impregnate you, tie you to a bed in a barn for nine months and feed you gruel, and then slit your throat when the baby arrives. ONE OF US. ONE OF US. So, obviously I’m intrigued.
I’m glad that Eric Schwan of The Orchards lives in Maine so I can mention this show - it’s an art installation focusing on mysticism and nature (UGH MY TWO FAVORITE GODDAM THINGS, BE STILL MY HEART) with an “intimate, cozy listening room environment” in which The Orchards will open for two traveling bands Lonesome Leash and Blood Warrior. Want to go to this. I suspect there will be much flannel and canoodling.
Sometimes I like to think about what would happen if Joan Jett and Courtney Love got into a punch fight. Or a slap fight. Any kind of a fight is fine. My first instinct says that Joan would win because she keeps her shit locked up tight and plays it close to the vest. She’s all about control. But then I’m like, OK but Courtney is a goddam wild card who could go off at any time and cut a bitch with a razor she had stashed in her cheek for just such an occasion. Anyway the reason I think about this is because Anarkitty, who are a rockin’ duo of Carissa Johnson from Mass and Brooke Binion from, you know, around and shit, are opening for two touring bands at Asylum Friday, and also those girls remind me of Joan and Courtney respectively. Well it’s really a trio because Benbazi plays drums. They’re a punk-adjacent band, and I say that because their shit is way too melodic to be truly punk. They write cool songs that get stuck in your head. They are my friends and I will be attending this because my life is dope and I do dope shit, to quote Kanye West.
For you dancers, there's Bump @ Flask. That Throwbacks with KTF thing is going on at Empire again as well, and I’m tempted to go in here again and attempt to wiggle it, just a little bit. We’ll see if that actually happens.
Oh and then Geno’s. Confused about the multiple events showing up for Geno's on Friday night? So was I. So I reached out to Queen Bee of Geno's, Kaitlyn, who says, in the most classic of all venue stories: "We're doing all of the things! Story time: Like one million years ago Paulie from the Icepicks asked for the date... then nothing. So James from Darling Disaster asked for the date, kiiinda sorta put a show together, but didn't really do any promo. Then they both posted event pages out of the blue without coordinating with me. So I'm combining the lineups and I'm gonna whittle it down to 5 bands: Quad, Connor Watson, Jesse Ahern, Meantone, and Darling Disaster. Should be an interesting fall down a long flight of stairs! Hopefully the sounds they make on the way down will be great tho." Perfect. Geno's, I don't know how to quit you.
Blue has funk band Canned Bread (THAT IS SUCH A GODDAM NEW ENGLAND NAME FOR A FUNK BAND) at 10pm and some Americana acts play the earlier sets.
Saturday January 23
Alright, so A Space for Grace has a thing called Children of the Vybes so this makes me wonder if you drive by and your car breaks down and you walk in and there’s like, a field of glowsticks and then you get to a clearing in the middle and a bunch of ravers (ravers? what year even is it? HAHAHAHA 1999 CALLED IT WANTS ITS ECSTASY PARTY BACK. Fun fact, back in NYC when I was still dating online in the early days of like match.com and shit I went on a date to a rave in this stupid warehouse in Dumbo Brooklyn with some dude and he told me to meet him there and so I did and when he walked up to me he was so effed up he immediately vomited into his hand and then shoved it back in his mouth and swallowed it. That happened at a rave. I went on a goddam date at a rave. Well, I guess I didn’t though because that moment was where the date started and ended. Ok so remember a few minutes ago when I as making a Children of the Corn reference? Let's get back to that.) emerges from the mist and sacrifices you to a red-eyed demon that lurks just beyond the glow sticks. BECAUSE WHAT ELSE could this party be?
Blue has Jazz, and here, this is interesting. This is the debut of the Middle Eastern Jazz Project. Here’s a thing they say about themselves: “this brand new project featuring original compositions focused on exploring the possibilities of combining microtonal melodies with rich harmonic textures. The Middle Eastern Jazz Project is: Duncan Hardy - Alto Saxophone, Gideon Forbes - Tenor Saxophone, Gary Wittner - Guitar, Kinnon Church - Bass, Eric LaPerna - Darbuka, Jacob Forbes - Drums.” Alright.
80’s cover band The Awesome is playing at PHOME, but if you want to hear covers tonight you’re a real dicksprout if you don’t just go to see the David Bowie Celebration at the State Theater. Everyone is going to that. Good luck, all other shows tonight. This show was originally scheduled at Port City Music Hall, but was moved to the State because too many people wanted to go. It’s a Spencer Albee joint and who in the actual fuck isn’t playing at this thing? Here’s who you can see: Spencer, Dave Gutter, Jeff Beam, Dominic and the Lucid, members of Murcielago, Sunset Hearts, Five of the Eyes, Mat Zaro, Lyle Divinsky, Weakened Friends, John Hughes Radio and Miek Rodriguez. It benefits the Maine Cancer Foundation. It’s performances of Bowie songs. It’s going to be very, very good. I mean there’s other stuff, but this is a thing that will be good and also is very popular and for which many attendees probably got a babysitter.
If you don’t go to that though, you can go to Geno’s for Eldemur Krimm, Gozu and Sylvia. Eldemur Krimm is one of my favorite bands in Portland, and maybe just favorite bands, full stop. You deserve to treat yourselves, you naughty little sausages. Get out there and be somebody. It should be noted that this show is also Dan Clark’s birthday party. You all probably know Dan Clark, but if you don’t, maybe you’ve seen him working the door at Geno’s. He’s there a lot. Dan is a smart, hilarious, sensitive man with an excellent beard who sometimes says he hates everything and wants to blow up the goddam world on Facebook and while I’m not always sure why, I think that sometimes, we all feel that way, so Doorman Dan, we here at Hot Trash Worldwide Headquarters salute you on this, the day of your birth. Dan is an important part of the music scene here in Portland so go buy the man a drink and thank him for not throwing your sorry fucked up ass out of Geno’s like a million times.
Sunday January 24
Of course there’s a fucking buttload of bullshit going on on Sunday too, so put on your best strap on and get to that deep Sunday dicking.
There’s another Bowie tribute show on this evening, and this one includes visual art and is at One Longfellow Square and will be mostly acoustic. It doesn’t specify who will be playing. More intimate, less epic.
Aquarius Funkk is at Bearded Lady for a going away party. I guess he’s going to Mexico for 3 months. I love Bearded Lady, but my favorite night to go there is like a Monday or some shit when nobody fucking else is in there so I can have the bartender all to myself and be gross and talk all low and close in The Greek’s face like a fucking basic bitch asshole. I am exhausted by my own existence.
There’s also The Couch at Empire. They’re focusing on more standup comedy. It’s free. Why don’t you ever do fun things?
Let’s wrap this doctoral dissertation on the weekend with something I really, really like. So you know how restaurants do the pop up thing and materialize in a space for a moment and then go elsewhere? Now there’s a pop up venue. It’s called The Patio and it is reserved for new independent artists from, you know, Maine and shit. But dig it: it’s also a multimedia experience (I really just felt like Sandra Bullock in The Net writing “multimedia”) and they also feature visual stuff like art and video. I mean I guess in this case their venue is popping up inside another venue, but they’ve done shows at Starbucks and that’s not a venue, so… yes. Anyway, this installment of The Patio is at Blue and features Junco, Sassquatch and Happy Folk. You guys, it’s folk music, can you tell? Yes, yes you can. This has a fixed ticket price which is not how Blue usually operates, so take note of that. Anyway, I’m looking forward to this and it’s kind of the perfect low key,
Alright guys, don't go too crazy ordering from Pizza.net this weekend, or you know what, maybe do just exactly that.