What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

I got my shit done today.  Like, I mean I went and got my fucking hairs done.  Oh man was my hair looking bad before a little while ago.  

Here's a before shot of me waiting for my appointment. 

Here's a before shot of me waiting for my appointment. 

I mean have you met me?  Have we met on the street? If so, I was likely thinking to myself, while looking you dead in the eye and appearing engaged in our conversation, “Jesus H, Victoria, what the fuck is wrong with you? You leave the house like this? Your hair is the sartorial equivalent of a pickup truck on blocks in the front yard.  Like, have some fucking dignity.  You want to fit in here in this hip city? GET WITH IT.”  It’s not that I wasn’t listening to you, it’s that I was just, you know, in the back of my mind, consumed by self-involvement. I was, after all, mostly raised in the 80’s and early 90’s, the halcyon days of the “me” generation.  I just learned to think inward.  I mean I think that’s why so many of my peers ended up all goth and on prozac and we all liked Nirvana so much.  What a life, you know?

A clip of my high school's valedictory speech.

A clip of my high school's valedictory speech.

But this stylist, this wonderful talented human being to whom I owe an extra large bucket of Kentucky Fried Self Esteem, she hooked me the fuck up.  She listened to me and then got creative but asked for input and feedback and then she made changes based on that feedback without being butthurt about it and then I was like, “GIRL, I AM ALWAYS BROKE WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE” and she was like, girl, I got you. I got you so hard.  Just like, do your thing but come back to me and I’ll hook your ass up and we’ll make some sort of Affordable Hair Act out of the whole thing.  BECAUSE: MAINE, you see.  You guys, you really know how to do it. I don’t really understand how you got this way, this whole “we take care of our own, AMERICA” thing you’ve got going on, but I like it and I am so grateful that I get to reap the benefits.  Plus this stylist?  Like, we went through all the central and ancillary luminary Women of the Local Music Scene and she had something beautiful and complimentary to say about all of them and wasn’t even weirded out at all when I called one awesome ladyperson I have met casually a few times my “Portland Style Icon” and that I sort of wished I could like, be her and have her hair and complexion for just, I don’t know, an hour.  I’d just go to the nearest bathroom and take out a hairbrush and brush that shit for 57 minutes and then gaze at myself in the mirror for the last three and then skulk back out and be like, FINE YOU CAN HAVE YOUR PERFECT HEAD AND AWESOME WARDROBE BACK NOW, I’ll go back to being the super pasty version of Grimace from the Happy Meals that I’ve been my whole life now, FINE. DOES MY BUTT LOOK TOO PURPLE IN THESE JEANS? My point is that this stylist, she was cool and compassionate and radiated like, intensely great energy and I am super happy with my fucking haircut because bitch crushed it, is what I’m saying to you now.

Do dee do dee do dee do...

Do dee do dee do dee do...

Plus, you know, being from a big place with millions of people where you never see the same human twice, it’s very nice and comforting to buy myself a couple of weeks of anonymity with a new cut and color.  My friends didn’t even recognize me when I saw them out at the Phone Home thing tonight.  Nobody knows me anyway, but the handful that do, GOOD LUCK, you’ll never catch me, ha HA!

Friday, September 18

Ok so Mathew’s (why is there only one t?  That really… I mean it really just grinds my gears.) is having a little metal show on Friday night.  Culling The Herd , Alter The Tides, Diablooo, and Skrye. I haven’t heard of any of these bands, but they’re all from Maine. Go to Diabloo’s facebook page.  His profile picture, when I first saw it I didn’t realize that was a cross he was holding, I thought he was playing a flute.  Now that’s all I can see and if you’re out there, mysterious bemasked flute player (?), please change your profile picture to that of you in that mask and hood, but playing the flute.  A piccolo would be fine.  I’ll accept a clarinet or an oboe but honestly the side-blown woodwind is really what I’m looking for here. I guess it’s funny because how could you play the flute in that mask?  HAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY.  Or something.  Look, I’ll make you a deal.  Make the photo happen and we’ll do like, 72 hours of Diabloo here on Hot Trash. An in-depth look at Diabloo.  For the fans!  And everyone else!  Don’t say I’m not reasonable.

Christ I know this goes against my whole cover bands are for pussies and jerks thing, but Empire has a night of golden era hip hop. If we meet IRL let’s talk about how the 90’s saw the last great musical movements in this country - hip hop being one of them.  I have this memory of being at a college party in the East Village, and there was this guy with a SUPER unfortunate name - Kenny Hymen - and oh holy fucking balls did I have a crush on him and he was a writer and a dj and he looked like a chubby Eminem in JNCO jeans with a big phatty gold chain around his neck because hello, New York in the late 90’s, and he was helming the music and he played “If I Ruled The World” by Nas with Lauryn Hill and I was over there in the corner, dancing with my sorority sisters sipping on some trash juice and I was looking at that big sensitive doughy teddy bear like, dude, I gotta hit that.  My legacy of course is that anyone I’ve ever said that about, you know, I mean I don’t really know how to close the deal. It’s charming, right?! Whatever, fuck off, at least I don’t have any STDs. Later, I’d run across one of his poems in the NYU literary magazine and it was called “The Milieu of the Spoon.”  OK, guy.

I mean, basically.

I mean, basically.

Alright, so maybe these DJs will play that song for me because I’m absolutely going to this.  Sorry for being a fucking stupid hypocrite, you can yell at me over the sweet sweet bass of Hypnotize if you really want to.  

Ok so hey last thing on Friday you should go to - Playing for Change at PHOME.  You probably know Frank Hopkins (it’s his birthday as I write this, September 17th, he’s officially a man now!), he is a prolific artist, multi-instrumentalist, a singer, a FOH engineer, a stage hand, an organizer/connector and pretty much one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.  Plus the guy can rock a bow tie.  His song “Understand” is featured in the Maine Academy of Modern Music’s latest Playing For Change video, and this event is a celebration of the video release as well as a coronation of MAMM’s new location at 125 Presumpscot Street, which is incidentally next door to my place of employment.  Literally everyone will be there, and it’s $8.  Pete Kilpatrick, Samuel James, Gunther Brown, Frank Hopkins, Sorcha Cribben-Merrill, North of Nashville, Yard Sail, Maine Youth Rock Orchestra, Dan Capaldi, Raffi Der Simonian, Work In Progress, Stu Mahan, Tyler Stanley, and Genevieve Curtis. Plus it’s hosted by Aimsel Ponti, who pretty much kills it on social media every day but oh yeah also she’s a writer and radio host and I love her and she’s fully kickass so come to this.  Good cause and such.  Oh and it’s all ages from 7-9, so bring your kids because for real when do kids ever have the chance to come see live local music outside of a festie thing. 

Saturday, September 19

Aaaand after MAMM’s grand opening, you can go over to Oliver Waterman’s CD Release Party at Empire.  Civilians, take a break, musicians, listen up: it’s an album release party.  Not a CD release party.  This isn’t 1998.  You’re releasing an album - celebrate the art, not the format.  I guess it’s OK to say record if maybe you’re releasing it on vinyl, but really it’s an album, just call it that. OK, civies you can come back now.  Anyway, Oliver’s album is just lovely, I like it quite a bit.  He plays guitar and maybe mandolin? and sings and there’s a cello played by someone else which is like, so great.  I love a cello.  Again, you can’t ignore the very very obvious Jeff Buckley influences but hey that guy’s dead so let’s fill those shoes and I feel like maybe Oliver listened to a lot of the Jayhawks and Nick Drake and potentially Elliot Smith but only on bad days.  Also do you remember a weird British act called Ben and Jason?  They had this song called The Wild Things I think that was their hit.  Anyway I wouldn’t be surprised if our old pal Ollie over here had indeed listened to Ben and Jason.  So listen to his new album Lament on Bandcamp - I put the best song here for you though so you can just listen without leaving my very comfortable lair.  

Fuck it here’s that ben and Jason song because apparently it holds up over time if you like this kind of music.  This is how you write a pop chorus, and NOT NO NOT EVER HOW YOU SHOULD END A SONG. I hate a fade out so much. Wrap it up somehow, don’t be lazy.  

Seriously though, this show is a “best bet” if you’re looking for some kind of endorsement but please after that last thing just never listen to anything I say again I’m a fucking idiot.  Also playing are Nick Perry's Brass Tax, Erik Neilson and Whitney Walker.  A real shitload of talent here.  A smorgasbord of talent, assholes.

The Skummymen return to Geno’s on Saturday, opening for two punk bands, one from Detroit and one from Boston.  The Skummyment should headline, duh.  Have at it, punks.

Sunday September 20

It’s the Noshbow Festival, huzzah huzzah shoorah shoorah!!

Look, don’t be a big dum dum.  I don’t need to sell this to you, just go, it's going to be fun as fuck, there will be killer bands and delicious beer for people who drink beer, but also other things for people who look like Elizabeth McGovern in hour two of "She's Having A Baby" if they drink beer.  Here’s the lineup:

Main Stage Bands

hosted by Saiyid Brent

Murcielago 5:15 to 6pm
Eldemur Krimm 4:15 to 5:00

Covered in Bees 3:15 to 4:00
Paranoid Social Club 2:15 to 3:00
Eric Bettencourt 1:15 to 2:00
When Particles Collide 12:15 to 1:00
The Pub Crawlers 11:15 to 12:00

2nd Stage Hosted By Trvp Night Dj's:

Che Ros
God. Damn. Chan.
Don Damiani
Guest sets by mosart212 @ 1:15
& Gus Faizi @ 3:15

FOOD TRUCKS

Hella Good Tacos
Fire and Company
Mami Food Truck
The Highroller Lobster Co.
BPs Shuck Shack  

BP’s Shuck Shack sounds like the DIY whore house on the third-class level of an off shore oil rig.  

ZING.

Hey.  HEY YOU, hey… what’s up, haha I didn't even see you there. I like your necklace.  Hahaha, totally, I have seen that Puff Daddy totally has the same one, that’s so cool.  Oh my god, you have the BEST TASTE in music, I just love that Nas song.  Really? Wow, I had no idea you were also a writer, that’s crazy I’m also a writer, it’s like… it’s like WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER.  What? Um, no, I didn’t hear that, did I say something, hahahahahhaha oh my god I think my pledge sister is um, puking or something, I gotta go, right, cool, yep I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES, heh, I mean yep, ok, cool, bye.