BE FUCKING NICE FOR ONCE: The Case Against Your Cell Phone

Oh look at that, a good night's sleep and a couple of Crabbie's Ginger Beers in laid back environs and I'm as good as new.  My depression has faded and it has now been replaced by... RAGE.  Pure, unadulterated, WHITE-HOT RAGE. 

But let's back up for a moment.

The Church played at the Asylum last night.  If you don't know who The Church are, they are responsible for the song in this scene from Donnie Darko:

Evolutionarily, you can probably trace everything The National does to The Church.  I call it "Reserved Rock."  The Church are the missing link between Pink Floyd and The National.  Anyway, the show was great, and of course, poorly attended, as these things tend to be.  I'm not going to get too much into it other than to say that lead singer/bass player Steve Kilbey could shuck oysters with his jaw it's so chiseled, and their guitar player Peter Koppes is basically Australian Mike Gordon.  See:

Koppes, on the left, giving us his best stick thin Australian brooder game.  On the right, Mike Gordon gives us his best thick-in-the-middle American jokester game.  Put a mustache on one of em and they could be the other's evil twin.

Koppes, on the left, giving us his best stick thin Australian brooder game.  On the right, Mike Gordon gives us his best thick-in-the-middle American jokester game.  Put a mustache on one of em and they could be the other's evil twin.

Ok anyway my real beef is with the crowd at this show.  We need to fucking talk about cell phones, because a whole bunch of people still don't get it.  I am here to help you, there's no shame in asking for etiquette advice.  Look, if someone invited me to like, a formal gala or maybe one of those masked orgies that look like the dream sequence from the Labyrinth, I'd need etiquette help too. 

(Quick tangent: Do you think it's even possible that Jennifer Connelly came out of the experience of making this movie without being deeply traumatized, with a David Bowie fetish?  I am deeply traumatized just from having watched it (dozens... and dozens of times) and somewhere around when I was 16 David Bowie started showing up in my dreams and, uh... doing stuff.  Whatever, shut up.)  

Ok, so where were we.  Oh right, it's this: nobody is watching your stupid fucking shaky piece of shit cell phone video of the band.  You're not even going to watch it after the show, not even once.  It's going to sit on your phone until you get a notification that you're at your storage limit and then you will delete it.  So stop taking video of the band.  Primarily so that every other person behind you who isn't watching a real life event happen through a 3 inch screen doesn't have to stare at this the whole night:

How is that fun for me, the person standing behind you?  I am a woman of beyond average height, and it's already difficult to see.  You have taken it upon yourself to fill the only vacant cleave between heads that I've been able to find with your dumb cell phone.  To take video that nobody will ever watch. 

When was the last time you watched a video of more than like 15 seconds on the Internet?  If a video is even like one minute long, people roll their eyes and just scroll by like, TOO MUCH WORK, just can we not even?  15 shaky cell phone cam minutes is too much.  Just stop.  Vines are fine.  Pop in, take your vine, get out.  Instagram?  Sure, get your 15 seconds of instagram video and then PUT. THE. CELL. PHONE. AWAY.  You're squandering your minutes on this earth!  What are you doing!?  Look around you, man, there are people on all sides, people trying to have a moment, connect, feel some camaraderie, love each other, share some energy for five goddam seconds.  And your face is sucked into your stupid cell phone.  And because of that MY face is sucked into your stupid cell phone.  It's so bright, I mean how is that not distracting?  STOP.  Please stop.  I used to kick people out of my movie theater for texting during a film because the screen light is so distracting.  Step outside if you want to text.  And the same consideration goes for concerts, as follows: if you want to tape the whole show?  Go to the perimeter of the room.  You go behind people because you are a considerate person who knows that his or her cell phone is annoying as fuck and you want to be nice to others.

Because that's basically what it is, a lack of consideration for the comfort of others.  That thread runs so deep in this country, from simple shit like this or holding the door for the person behind you (and saying thank you if the door is held for you) to the lack of compassion we have for addicts and the homeless while the wealthy fortify their gilded bunkers.  It's fucked, this whole idea of every man for himself, the whole me generation thing, I mean none of us are entitled to shit in this life, and if you think you are, you were raised wrong.  We all come in naked, afraid and alone, and we'll all go out the same way.  So think about that the next time you compromise the comfort of others for your own gain.  They paid to be at that concert too.  I mean I didn't pay.  But MOST PEOPLE PAID. 

OK I'm done complaining.  Look, have a good weekend and shit, cool?