What The Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

I’m having a tough time writing the weekend guide today because I’m having a tough time finding a new job, and it’s bringing me down.  My sense of humor is struggling to swim back up through the murky deep and have some say in what’s going on this page, but it’s not easy today, no siree.  I started this web site because I saw myself having a long and loving future with Portland, but that’s on the brink right now.  I hope I get to keep doing this and don’t have to retreat to a relative’s basement in NJ or something.  I can’t imagine what writing about the NJ music scene would be like.  Like, uh.. so I heard some Pit Bull through the open window of some dude named Vinnie’s camaro this weekend, that’s live music right?  Or maybe a cover band playing the patio at Applebees?  That’s a two sentence blog right there, doesn’t make for good SEO optimized content, I don’t think.  

So I hope you are an interdimensional traveler this weekend, because there may be two Lobster Stomps going on at exactly the same place at exactly the same time in parallel worlds.  Maybe this is a case of quantum interlocking.  Maybe the show only exists when you observe it.  It's Schroedinger's Show.   Anyway, let’s get to it:

Friday, August 14th

The summer is almost over!  Planning on kicking your weekend off on the back porch, enjoying some beers?  That’s dumb, way to be antisocial, what are you doing?  Put that 12 pack down right now, hightail it right out of that gas station and spend that money at Bunker Brewing instead.  Kafari is doing a “sunset session” from 6-8pm tonight on the back patio, a great little gravel pit of picnic tables perfect for enjoying the tail end of the warm weather with a pal or two.  Or, OR, not a drinker?  Fancy yourself a dancer instead?  You can go to Congress Square Park where the Portland Swing Project hosts CC and the Swing Set doing live swing and prohibition era jazz music for the local dance set from 6-8pm.  If you’re not a dancer you can come down and just watch all that flesh jiggling around on the portable dance floor and use the free wi-fi to check your facebook page or something.  Whatever works for you.  

Next up, Lady Essence and Crimewave are at Empire.  Lady Essence is a lady rapper, hot, and Crimewave is a rap collective that features many of the Rap Night at Asylum regulars:  Blck CA$TRO, eyenine, HomeboyAdvance, Bluesman!, Yung Slam, and Rosenberg.  The fun thing about these kinds of shows is that with this kind of mix of talent on stage, you can count on the rappers mixing it up, playing off of each other and being really improvisational.  Rap is one of the few music formats outside of like, jambands, gross, who still riff and do improv (jazz too probably) and for $7 it’s a real steal.  Starts at 7:30.

Geno’s has two Maine bands, Cryptic Overcast (thrash metal) from Portland and Manic Abraxas (doom metal) from Bangor.  They inexplicably open for Darsombra, a band from Baltimore that describes itself as a transcendental audio/visual rock duo.  I’m so curious what this bill will be like. Someone tell me about it, I can’t afford to go.   

Next up, Hella Good Tacos continues to solidify its place in the “food you associate with rock and roll” marketing category like some sort of not-terrifying-and-pathetic Portland version of Guy Fieri.  With fewer flames and not so much yikes.  Anyway, they have their event Get Saved By Rock and Roll tonight, which is a three band bill, Battery Steele (who played last weekend), The Seasonal Disorders (who played last weekend and play again Saturday) and Kaltenbrunner.  I considered putting a picture of Guy Fieri here but I will save you from that mess because I'm a nice person. 

Space Gallery has a show that seems to be very popular as its facebook invite makes the rounds around the Internet: Portland’s Phallus uber Alles and Street City Surf opening for What Cheer? Brigade.

Blue has Peter Winne of Tumbing Bones, GoldenOak and Kevin Midgley.  Singery songwritery bluegrassy guitar mumbo jumbo, ya dig?

Saturday, August 15th

You can start your night off at an old standby, Beam & Finke at Andy’s Old Port Pub.  Andy’s has singer/songwriters every weekend, solid food and normally priced beers.  It’s all just very normal.  Are your parents in town?  Take them here to get drunk.   

Bayside Bowl has a thing called Lobster Stomp 9 or Lobster Stomp 27 with SS Cretins, the Gamma Goochies and a band from NYC called The Above.  One can only assume from the “9” or the “27” in the title (depending on whether you look at this facebook invite or this one) that there have been 8 or 26 other Lobster Stomps before this one.  Does anyone know if they’re actually stomping lobsters at this event?  Is it like Whacking day in Springfield?  Asking for a friend who has a lot of aggression at the job market right now.    

Blue has jazz, the Gideon Forbes Quartet.  I don’t have the energy to find out anything about him.  Go if you like jazz.  

Geno’s has night two of 48 Hours of the Seasonal Disorders, and Haunted cities. I like Haunted cities, they play like, garage punk rock, and their band members have great names: Scotty Five-0, Jonny Noise and Tommy Collins.  Dope.  Voice of Addiction from Chicago is also on this bill. 

Over at Port City, they’re doing a tribute to Queen, called A Night at Port City.  I want to go to this because A Night at the Opera is my favorite Queen album and not even a little bit subjectively the best Queen album, and they are playing the whole thing plus other Queen “hits,” I assume.  This is Sean Slaughter’s baby, he apparently loves A Night at the Opera as much as I do.  I hope that he wears power shorts as proficiently as Freddie Mercury did in his day.  

Look at this god among men.  I mean it's like not a dry set of pants in the house, AMIRITE?!

Look at this god among men.  I mean it's like not a dry set of pants in the house, AMIRITE?!

Right down the block at Space Gallery, the participants of the 48 Hour Music Festival will be presenting the fruits of their last 48 hours.  Basically, you enter this competition, they group you off into new bands of people who have never played together before, and you have to come up with a set of music and perform it.  In 48 hours.  That’s a tough thing to pull off, but I bet it allows some really off the cuff shit to come through that might otherwise be edited out if anyone had time to even think about it for ten seconds, and so this might be some loin-moving, compelling music.  Plus maybe we’ll get some new bands and musical partnerships out of it, who knows! Participants this year include members of Mouth Washington, South China, Stone Tools, S.S. Cretins, Contraposto, War Animal, Last Sip, Babe, and more

After all that, head down to Sonny’s where Sea Level (Dan Capaldi’s one-man psychedelic trip hop thing) and Zack Jones will be performing for free.  Dig that speakeasy vibe and drink in all the Capaldi you can handle.  I’ll see you at this. Just assume that if it’s free I’ll be going to it.  When i can pay for shit again, I’ll start paying to see all you wonderful musicians again.  You betcha.  

Plus, I made the poster. It's nice, ain't it. 

Plus, I made the poster. It's nice, ain't it. 

Sunday, August 15th

What else could there beeeee!?  It seems like every band in Portland had a show this weekend.  Some of them had two!  Well, Flask Lounge has a thing tonight and you can always go to The Couch at Empire.  This week it features Billy Libby. Happy chillin’.

OK babies, be kind, be safe, spend your money on local businesses and - sing it with me if you know the words: don’t! drink! and! drive!  I love you so hard. xoxo.