Oh hello there, come on in! Oh, no, don’t even worry about it, I was just, uh… you know, cleaning the house a bit. That pool of red on the floor? It’s, ummmm… it’s just beet juice, I was making some Harvard Beets from my grandmammy’s recipe and dropped the pot, you see. NOOOOOOO, no, you don’t need to come back another time, GET YOUR HAND OFF THAT DOORKNOB, HAHAHAHA no I mean, just uh, just step over the lump under the rug there and come sit over here. Come sit by me. No, come sit by ME. Come closer… yes, closer… CLOSER!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA were you scared? I bet. But I wouldn’t murder anyone, silly! If they die after I eat their souls, that’s their problem, not mine. I need energy. It’s been a rough week and it’s only Monday. I have a case of the Mondays, boo, what to do, what to do. I know! Let’s look at the week ahead and figure out where to go and what to cram into the small disgusting flaps of cartilage at the sides of our heads. Ears are weird.
Monday, August 10th
Not a ton going on tonight, but you can go listen to Mosart212 mix up the old school jamz at Bramhall Pub tonight, that’s a fun thing. You know what’s weird about that place, I have been there a few times now, and like… how big is it? It either goes on forever like some sort of drunken underground railroad whereby you enter on a Friday night and wake up Saturday morning mysteriously safe in your bed, a small team of galumphing trolls having carried your passed out carcass through the tunnels to a secret hatch in your bedroom floor, or it’s basically a Turkish jail cell from the movie Midnight Express. Are all the brick columns and like, ceiling folds in there to purposely throw me off? It’s very confusing. I’m going to wear a headlamp tonight and go spelunking in there, I’ll report back once I’ve determined if the damn place is Narnia-ing us all or not.
Tuesday August 11th
Here’s a little boozy doozy for ya: deadFlowers presents the unholy trinity of beer, music and tacos by offering you Stone Tools and Holy Filth at Oxbow Blending and Bottling, where they will also serve you tacos made by Hella Good Tacos. Here’s what I know to be true about this event: Stone Tools is thrash metal and they have been known to throw stuff on you, stuff that is wet, stuff that is unidentifiable. I’d like to present to you, men (I assume you’re all men?) of Stone Tools, the recent epidemic of Legionnaire’s Disease in New York City as a cautionary tale about getting people damp with non-temperature-controlled liquids in hot weather. I’m not saying you will get Legionnaire’s Disease by going to this show, because in all seriousness, you won’t. But what if you did? I mean would that not be kind of the most METAL shit that could happen? \m/\m/
I went to Holy Filth’s bandcamp page to see what they’re about because I haven’t yet seen them and I’m not usually a stoner metal kind of gal, but these guys, I like them. I liked their song "Feast on Fire." I like that their Facebook cover photo is just of their guitar player making a pretty amazing “O” face, and it makes me want to photoshop out the guitar and replace it with a giant cartoon wee wee. Which would also be epically METAL. We’re two for two here, folks. \m/\m/
I don’t really drink “real” beer, the good craft kind made by Oxbow, and have no opinions on it whatsoever other than that, if you give me a beer, please make it something shitty that is essentially canned almost-water so that I can drink it and not immediately bloat to the point where I look like I ate Chris Farley’s corpse for dinner, and also I like what these craft beer guys are doing with the labels. They’re like little works of art. Lagunitas put out a line of beer with Frank Zappa labels and I was working as a restaurant GM at the time and so the rep came in and gave me a set of unused labels and I still haven’t framed them but they’re badass. So that’s just one example of good labels. I like to peel them off of the bottle while I’m not drinking the bloatsoup within.
On the taco tip (I’m killing it with band names right now, can I get an all girl act called Tina and the Taco Tips?), I eat at Hella Good Tacos often because they are near my (now former, THANKS OBAMA *shakes fist*) workplace and they are friendly as fuck and give you free chips and salsa and always have good music on and they have a very rigid system for who picks it. I found out by asking and using my words like an adult human, each employee gets a day to pick what they want. But sometimes an employee will give their day to someone else or pick something that another employee likes. I like that. That’s a Right On, Bro kind of attitude, right there. Also the chorizo taco is the best taco they have, eat those ones if they have them.
Wednesday, August 12th
Let’s get serious, y’all. I know when I say that I’m usually about to be not serious at all, but in this case I am. Going to be serious, I mean. At Empire on Wednesday there is an event called Arootsakoostik South, which is a benefit for a local musician named Johnny Fountain who has cancer and all of the proceeds from this show go to Johnny. Ghosts of Paul Revere, Dominic and the Lucid, Travis Cyr, Worrisome Hearts, Theodore Treehouse, Tricky Britches and Johnny Fountain all play. It is only $8. I mean outside of it being a good cause, when can you see that big of a bill for $8. Please go to this. I don’t know Johnny, but I do know what cancer does to your mind and body and wallet and it is devastating. All of us here, even if we don’t know each other, we’re a team. We have to look out for each other, help each other, by raising each other up, we also raise ourselves. We all need help from time to time, and there is true honor in asking for help, and in offering yours.
Thursday, August 13th
Ok, back to me being an asshole. Last Mercy Emissions and brownhauss brings you Scrotal Tear and Dream Dog$ with some other touring acts including Encounters, FRKSE and Sterile Garden. The bitchin’ thing about a show like this is that you will hear something you haven’t heard before, I mean I can almost money back guarantee that. It will be loud and messy and fucking hot and weird and maybe not tolerable for people who haven’t at least smoked a lot of weed. God, I’m saying you need an open mind, man. I don’t mean to imply that people who have never smoked weed tend to be more small-minded and fearful than people who have, but they are. Yeah, I said I wasn’t implying it because it’s a science fact. What study am I citing? Um… the study of YOUR MOM. Heh. Anyway, go check it out.
Ok jerks, go have a good time and get to bed early enough so that you can keep your job and still kick ass. Remember my rules: no drunk driving and tip your service staff.