Happy Monday, fellow humans! How was your weekend? Did you spend quality time moving that bookshelf for your girlfriend, finishing painting that room you’ve been meaning to get to and doing all of your laundry, dishes and reorganizing your closet like you said you were going to?
LIES. You did none of that. You hung out all weekend eating food that someone got paid to make, playing Halo or whatever (is that even a game? I’m a videogame knownothing) and roaming the streets like a gazelle on peyote that just escaped from the zoo and you were ENJOYING LIFE because time off is so precious in Our America that, like, who the fuck cares if your shoes are just in a pile on the floor of your closet? I mean they’re shoes, why are we building little apartment buildings for them? I’ve seen photos of closets in which a pair of shoes is living a better lifestyle than I could ever aspire to live. Shoes don’t need three bedrooms and one and a half baths. Why do you even have so many shoes anyway? Look, if you WANNA ROCK and you’re a woman, you should have like, 3 pairs of shoes: a sturdy pair of boots that you can wear with anything (Hello there, classic Frye harness boot!), a pair of black heels that go with all your slutty shit but also can be worn to work, and then some tennies like Keds or some shit. I guess if you work out you should have some running shoes or whatever. Men, all you need are a pair of Oxblood doc martens and a pair of Adidas Gazelles or shell toes. You’re welcome, dear readers. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Anyway, it’s the end of July and as such your desire to do as little work as possible and just go hang out all the time should be in peak form - there’s only so much summer left! I mean do you even need to think about or put any effort into work right now? Asking for a friend.
Here’s some flaming hot garbage for you to distract yourself with while you’re waiting for Friday to roll around:
Monday, July 27
Smart Guy Mixtape Maker Mosart212 is at Bramhall pub spinning old school jamz mixed up all nice for you. My advice? Go, enjoy the Jodeci, but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ask if a DJ like Mosart212 takes requests. I mean… you guys know the difference between like, an event DJ and an artist DJ right? They’re not the same thing. Here’s how you can tell when it’s OK to ask a DJ to play a specific song: have you at any point heard a current top 40 hit during the course of the evening? Great, ask the DJ to play your Rihanna or your Maroon 5 favorites, he or she will be happy to comply because a top 40 DJ’s job is entirely predicated upon ensuring the good time of the humans into whose ear holes the music will be going, and you’re probably at your nephew’s bar mitzvah, your company’s annual Luau-themed barbecue or on some kind of an all-inclusive cruise surrounded by other wealthy white people wearing lamentable floral patterns.
However, if you are at a bar or a club with genpop and there is some antisocial looking guy in the corner with headphones and a turntable spinning something you’ve never heard before and you don’t like the music, you’re kind of shit out of luck. I mean, maybe if you took five minutes to listen you could learn something or - against all odds - start enjoying what you’re hearing after you get past your fear of the unknown. I mean obviously I’d like to walk into, say, an Insane Clown Posse show and just go up to the stage and be like, “HEY MAN YOU GOT ANY BOB DYLAN I’M NOT DIGGING THE VIBE IN HERE RIGHT NOW” but I don’t do that because it’s unreasonable and ridiculous and also I would never be caught dead at an ICP concert. Ok, have fun at Bramhall, I like their cheese plate.
Tuesday, July 28
Alright, well if I had a shitload of money, I would go see the PORTopera singers doing a preview of their production of Tosca at Victoria Mansion tonight, but who in the FUCK has $75? Way to make culture out of my price range, jerks, this is why I’m over here cursing for free on the Internet like the garbage human my parents always feared I’d become, forever relegated to press my face up against the window Oliver! style at the opulence within and just beg you guys for gruel money as you make your way out to your limos after the show. Whatever, I’m over it.
Anyway, what I probably WILL do on Tuesday is go to the gazebo on the Eastern Prom and dance to swing music for a couple of hours. This event is from 6pm to 8pm, is free and open to the public and even if you have never done any swing dancing, pretty much everyone in the swing dance scene will be happy to show you some basic footwork so you can try your hand at it. Or you could sign up for the Portland Swing Project’s upcoming Swing Weekend and really get into it. Your call, but just as a heads up, swing dancing is fucking hot and everyone should learn how.
Wednesday, July 29
Let’s go to Rap Night at the Asylum! Rap Night is consistently good, well-attended and not at all expensive, with a $3 cover for guys and no cover for girls because we live in a sexist society where women are used as sex bait to get men to pay money for stuff pretty much all the time and everywhere, creating a social climate wherein being used as a tool, as a woman, is as commonplace as cockroaches and nitrogen molecules, deal with it. I don’t blame the artists, though, and in fact, this is a great week to come out because this week, they have the “King No Crown” tour featuring Blueprint, Supastition and DJ Rare Groove. Apparently they were in an accident in their van while on tour a few days ago but are all safe and sound, thank goodness, and are finishing the tour like goddam champs. And though you’ve got a tour coming through there are still performances from local rappers and DJs who hold the whole thing down. Also there is karaoke downstairs which I love. I love karaoke. If you come to rap night, come and say hello to me and if you buy me a drink I will take you downstairs and sing “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison to you, and you will love it so much you’ll be obsessed with me for the rest of your days walking this earth.
Thursday, July 29th
We like to keep it smooth on Thursday nights, I think it’s important to enter the weekend with a little foreplay, you know what I mean? On Thursday we’ve got The Jazz Workshop collective at SPACE Gallery. Local collective The Jazz Workshop, made up of Tracy McMullen, Duncan Hardy, Alex Quinn, John Clark, Jonathan Downs, Hayes Porterfield, and Peter McLaughlin, present a career-spanning concert of alto saxophonist and composer Ornette Coleman’s music on Thursday at SPACE. Coleman recently passed away in June at the age of 85, so this is a tribute show in the wake of his death. I don’t know much about Ornette Coleman, but apparently he was a real button pusher and somewhat of a jazz vanguard in his day. Plus, you don’t see a lot of straight up jazz coming through downtown Portland, so this is a great show to catch for purists or for someone like me who enjoys jazz but really only has a surface level knowledge of the genre, and wants to go a bit deeper.
Alright weirdos, go have a fucking good time, no drinking and driving, tip your bartenders and stay the fuck out of trouble. Call your mom too, what even is with you these days, she’s been worried sick.