What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition

Holy crap you guys, there is a virtual h-bomb of glorious local ear garbage going on in this town this weekend.  As I write this I have no idea what the weather is going to be like, so I don’t know what we’re doing, like, what, are we looking for a fucking patio to chill on and drink margaritas in Hawaiian shirts or are we scrounging for a dingy basement with sticky floors to cram ourselves into to escape the humidity and slap inked arm skin with people who maybe haven’t showered in a few days?  I don’t really care, you do you, but look: do at least some of this shit.  If you’re under 30 and have a job, you have no excuse, all your money should go to being kickass and you should do all of this.  If you’re over 30, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out there and LIVE, my children.  I mean really live.  Dance like nobody's watching or dance like someone on chat roulette (HAHAHA LOL WHAT IS THIS, 2008?!) is watching and jerking off, either way, dance motherfucker.  Ok, hop in kids:

Friday, July 24th:

The Ghosts of Johnson City are at Blue at 6pm and you’re a fucking asshole if you don’t go to this show.  There’s been a real uptick in people being into like, deeply experiential and spooky mountain shit, and GoJC are the personification of that.  Without miring myself in research (I’m not a real journalist, this is the Internet), the best that I can surmise is that Johnson City is a reference to Johnson City, TN, a place where someone rear-ended my old Ford Probe with the flippy headlights on I-26 and I had to deal with Johnson City cops while still having white person dreadlocks, which yes, I know were extremely ill-advised and I’ve got SHAME ENOUGH about that, ok.  Anyway, GoJC are a bunch of fresh-ass impeccably-skilled locals singing what they call “a haunting collection of new tunes of loss and struggle from the deepest Kentucky coal mines to the whaling grounds of the North Atlantic.”  I lived in the Blue Ridge mountains for 6 years and people would have gone friggin’ apeshit for this music.  It’s the real deal.  Look, just go to their FB page and check them out and I’ll see you there.  Blue will ask you for $20 for the music, which is great for the musicians (all of it goes to the performers there) but might not be great for your Friday budget because there’s a whole lot of shit going on this weekend, so depending on how much of the show you plan on seeing, I suggest at least $10, or $5 if you can only make it to the beginning or end.  Bring cash for the music “donation.”  For drinks, all I know is that they have a draft cider that smells like yeasty farts. Avoid it at all costs.

Alright shit chins, I’m going to make it easy on you and make sure you don’t have to leave the west end if you don’t want to.  After GoJC at Blue, do your thing and carboload at Otto or smoke a bowl at your buddy’s place or whatever it is you do with your stupid downtime, don’t bother me with it, and then just pop across the street to Geno’s Rock Club, where Portland’s hardcore metal heroes Sylvia are flaying skulls with, uh… ANOTHER metal band from Portland called Swarmlord whom I’ve never heard live but seem to be a speed metal situation that’s not terrible, but what the fuck do I know, I spent like 2 minutes listening to their music.  I’LL SEE THEM ON FRIDAY AND THEN THIS WON’T BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE, ASSHOLE.  I guess those two are the bread on a four band metal sandwich (for Mainers who are used to having their sandwiches just being a split open roll with meats laying on top of it, in the rest of this Glorious Nation, a sandwich has bread on two sides.  Seriously, screw Maine’s “Italian” sandwiches.  Yeah, you heard me, come at me bro) wherein the meat is a German metal band named Blank and a NYC metal band named Singharsha but who the fuck cares about them because they’re not from Portland.  I will say though that I know from firsthand experience that they know how to make fucking sandwiches in both NYC and Germany, and so at least those guys have that going for them.

Not into mountains and metal?  Portland’s Sunset Hearts are at Port City Music Hall opening for some Nashville band named Kopecky, which sounds like a Japanese energy drink.    Worried Well is doing a CD release thing at Empire, and then there’s some other stuff including Roochie Toochie and the Ragtime Shepherd Kings at Mayo Street Arts, who I can only describe as the ultimate band for people who do things like make their own pickled fiddleheads and spend more than a minute a day thinking about mustache wax.  

Saturday July 25th

Wake up!  Wake up right now!  Don’t sleep your Saturday away, loser, get out of bed and DO something!  This Saturday I’ll be starting my day with COFFEE and the hot sweaty heat of RAW SEX APPEAL because I plan on drinking coffee while photographing the sartorial apprentice of Robert Plant, Dan Capaldi of Sea Level and SeepeopleS fame for the promotional campaign for his upcoming monthly solo gigs at Sonny’s.  The first of those will be August 15th; stay tuned for more on that as it develops.   

Next up, if you have $45 and a mouth, you can go to Summer Session 2015: The Maine Brewers’ Guild Beer Festival.  There is a nondescript commitment to “live music” on their little event page there, but we all know that that means a bunch of local musicians playing classic rock music (it is a beer fest after all) so you probably know someone who is playing this festival.  Here’s my advice.  Get baked out of your goddam mind, grab your dog and a thermos of Trader Joe’s wine and go harass your friend playing bass through the fence because you’re too poor to hobnob with the beer-swilling bourgeoisie of Maine.  Or you might be working this festival or know someone who can get you in.  All I’m saying is that if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably not paying to participate in this festival.  HAHAHAHAHAAAAA POORS.

Ok now let’s get down to business, what are you doing TONIGHT?  You’ve managed to get your fucking eyeliner on in a way that is vaguely symmetrical, your boobs are pushed up to your collar bone, you’re ready to get some hot musical action, AMIRITE.  Well you’re in luck, because tonight is a choose your own adventure! Adventure #1 has you going to see the Tribute 2 Spice GIrls at Empire first.  I mean this has GOT to be hilarious, either hilarious because it’s so good and the Spice Girls hold a fond space in your sticky, fucked up teenaged memory, or because it’s so bad it’s good.  Either way, if you know more than one Spice GIrls song, this is probably a hoot.  And if you know 8 Spice GIrls songs then you’re in for a real bargain at $1 per song because the show costs $8.

After the Spice GIrls what are you going to do, fucking go home and cry into your late night bowl of frosted flakes while rewatching Buffy (not that… I mean, not that I would know anything about that)?  NO.  No, my friend, you are going to soldier on into the night and go to Flask Lounge for Submerge: The Queer Dance Party For All.  This dance party is hosted by DJ Red Tide and it’s fun as shit because he plays silly pop music that you FUCKING LOVE and the dance floor gets crowded and people are generally pretty nice and good dancers and there are some pretty accomplished drag queens in this town who might show up and strut it out if you’re lucky.  Plus the drinks are cheap.  Get a Happy Meal which is a tall boy and a shot of whiskey for $5 and enjoy your night, you dumb b.  

Adventure #2 has you spelunking down Cedar Street trying to find the DIY space dBasement for a sloppy orgy of metal, punk, sludge, drone, industrial, you name it, but it’s heavy, with Mugwort, Sterling Black, and Scrotal Tear, which, incidentally is one of the greatest band names in Portland.  There’s also RI band Tovarish on this bill.  I’ve already written about my hard core fangirlism for fucking Sterling Black, so you don’t need to hear it again.  This is probably one of those shows that you’ll feel weird at if you don’t know someone there or aren’t already drunk, so hopefully you got hammered on that thermos full of wine earlier today before making your way down here.  This show starts at 8 and has a $5 suggested donation.  

Other stuff?  There’s local swing at Bayside Bowl, another DIY underground show at Poland Street (though I think the bands are touring), and the Worrisome Hearts at Blue.

Sunday, July 26th

Geez, haven’t you had enough yet?  Where are you even getting all the money for all this booze from?  Why don’t you just go to Marcy’s Diner, order 3 pancakes and let the ensuing screams burn the hangover right out of you?  Don't bring your kids.  Let your kids eat candy for breakfast like they want to, you've had a rough night.  

Have a good weekend, you little buffoons, stay safe, tip your bartenders, PAY FOR THE MUSIC YOU SEE and DON’T DRIVE DRUNK!!