Yes, it is true: it’s the last day of 2015, and you aren’t getting any younger. I would hazard a guess that this year, you drank too much, got too fat, didn’t call your parents enough, didn’t spend enough time with your kids, smoked too many cigarettes, didn’t tell your partner “I love you enough,” didn’t get off of Twitter and Facebook like videos on Twitter and Facebook told you you should, didn’t finish writing that novel, building that fire pit or, hell, even finish watching Jessica Jones like you said you wanted to. You know what?
IT’S FINE. You’re surviving. You lived to see another year. Shit is tough out there, motherfuckers. It is a wonder any of us wake up to face the day each morning. So calm the fuck down and give yourself a break for once, for shit’s sake. You did it. You made it. Now come here and take my hand and help me up and let’s boldly go into another year of not reaching our lofty goals.
Seriously though, I’m going out tonight and I’m not comforting any cryers. There is a limit to my patience and a New Years Eve Drunk Cryer is one of the worst social offenders. HAVE I BEEN THERE MYSELF? SURE, LOTS OF TIMES. But I’m older now, wiser… and I just don’t give a shit anymore about anything more than like, making rent and doing whatever the fuck I want.
Speaking of which, hey, you guys - if you’re reading this? Thank you. I know, I know… hard to know when ol’ VK is being serious, right, but sincerely, from the bottom of my barnacle-encrusted, ice cold heart, thank you for reading these fetid piles of words I’ve been carving from much larger piles of mental dung like so many desert beetles. You have given me a way to connect with my community in a positive way and support the music-making community to the best of my ability. I’m proud to call this dirty little fucked up amazing warm shit-kicking town my home, and all of you my neighbors.
Also, I like making up new curse words and insults for you. So let’s just quickly review what the fuck you’re going to do tonight, and then let’s get into the inaugural Hot Trash Year End Resolutions and Preview of Hot New Insults for Your Mouth in the New Year.
Tonight, are you going to see Kafari @ PHOME? How about Zach Jones Band at Sonny’s? Or Viva and the Reinforcements at Dogfish? Ooh, how about the NYE Space Ball with Jaw Gems, God.Damn.Chan., Dom Damiani and Che Ros? No? God you’re insufferable, you know that? Ok so will a NYE Dance Party with No Diggity at Empire make you happy? What about Viral Sound, Of The Trees and Moses at Bayside Bowl? Really making me work for it, huh… ok, then definitely Ghost of Paul Revere and Lady Lamb at The State Theater, right? Karaoke at Flask? Ugh, fine, then how about The Mallet Brothers with Chris Ross and the North and Ghosts of Johnson City at Port City Music Hall? Oh, is that not enough for you you greedy little shit? Then let’s go to When Particles Collide, Murcielago, Mad Anthony and The Box Tiger at Asylum. Ugh, I hate you so much. FINE, then let’s go to Covered in Bees with El Malo and Nuclear Bootz at Geno’s.
And you know what, I don’t even know what’s going on the rest of the weekend. WAY TO PARTY LOCAL STRONG, Portland, seriously, there’s a shit ton of good ass local shit happening, even at our biggest venues this new year's eve.
Ok did you pick something? Great. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Here’s my year end gift to you:
The Hot Trash Year End Resolutions and Preview of Hot New Insults for Your Mouth in the New Year
Resolution: Take down the capitalist system that is making everyone I love poor and unhappy
Insult: Rumpmaster; noun; def: someone who is the master of rumps; can also be used for anyone who seriously thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate for president.
Resolution: Exercise more
Insult: dickspindle; noun; def: a really skinny guy who exercises too much and probably wears short shorts when he runs who is also a fucking asshole. He probably lectures you about kale or some shit too, fucking dick.
Resolution: Send my nieces birthday gifts on time instead of like three weeks after their birthdays
Insult: drazy; adjective; def: the quality of being both lazy but also creating a shitload of unnecessary drama to hide the laziness.
Resolution: Clean my apartment more
Insult: cockflock; noun; def: a reference to a particularly dirty guy and what he may or may not have living in and around his crotch. For instance, “That guy hasn’t washed his dick since the Carter administration, I bet he has a cockflock that looks like an Ewok village.”