What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Weekend Edition!

Hello my little sniffy clams, how are your colds? I mean we all have one, right?  I have had one for the past week.  And I never get sick, it’s one of my super powers!  

When we get sick, we all get sick together, the struggle is real. 

Well anyway I think I got it from quitting The Cigarettes - I got crazy sick the last time I quit, and I think that’s the reason I had success for a couple of years before evil briefly came into my life and led me back down the path of lung abuse; I just didn’t want to get so sick again.  Nor did I want to deal with the zits.  THE ZITS, YOU GUYS.  I look like a goddam A/V club kid. I look like I just wheeled a cart with a big square TV with the built in VCR into your classroom and then shuffled out, wearing my weirdly wrinkled leather duster (how did those kids’ leather dusters get so wrinkled anyway… they’re leather. Whatever).  I mean I look like I spent my Friday nights playing D&D with my weird older neighbor who lived in the apartment over his parents’ garage.  

Chain mail is really good for hiding acne. 

I don’t even know how I will ever get someone to take me down to the sock hop again with this fucked up face, THE AGONY, y’all!  Whatever, whatever, look I hope you guys are all doing OK, I miss you terribly and AS I WRITE THIS, Grimefest is starting and so I have to be swift and get the fuck down there.  I hope you didn’t squander your opportunity to contribute to Grimefest.  Fucking dumbasses, the lot of you, you really don’t make it easy for me to love you some days, you know that?

Before we get started, I just want to say that this weekend is a FANTASTIC weekend to see local music, for a few reasons we’ll get to below.  If you are a Normal (i.e., not in a band, dating someone in a band or working at a venue/media outlet) then you really need to make this the weekend you FINALLY pony up $20 to fucking come to Portland and see some shit.  Shut the fuck up and get a goddam sitter, then.  No, you’re NOT too tired.  Yeah, no, you’re not.  You can 100% without a doubt actually play fucking Assasin’s Creed or whatever the fuck - LITERALLY - any time.  Any time you want, man!  That game, it won’t change!! You know what will? THE WORLD.  The world is going on without you while you sit there watching back to back episodes of The Big Bang Theory, man.  You’re just getting older, marinating in your sweatpants juices, fucking letting life pass you by.  Whatever, more party for us then.  Ugh, I hate you whatever just listen if you want or get the fuck out of my life.

Me, getting ready for this weekend. 

Me, getting ready for this weekend. 

Friday, October 9

On October 16th, Damnationland will premiere it’s frightful lot of Maine-made horror films at the State Theater.  Be there!  But tonight? Tonight we honor the music because it’s the official Damnationland 2015 Soundtrack Release Party at - where else - Geno’s Rock Club!  Can I just say that I am absolutely shocked when people who talk to me are like, “what is Geno’s?  Where is Geno’s? I’ve never been there.” Yikes.  Those fools!  They don’t even know what they are missing because they can’t appreciate REAL LIFE. I love Geno’s like I love my favorite hoodie - it’s old, it’s got holes in it and it smells funny a lot of the time and it’s mostly occupied by a sloppy drunk, but damn it, it’s important to me and I need it in my life. And you know what, it's comforting. Well anyway, the Damnationland soundtrack features all of the music from the films themselves plus music from Maine artists.  So it’s all Maine-made, if not specifically Portland-made. The bands playing include but are not limited to Thee Icepicks, ShaShaSha, Bully Mammoth, Remy Brecht… and more!  This is a great event for the leadup to Halloween (the best day of the year, F your Treat Yo Self day right in the A).  Go check it out right meow!  

Also crappening on Friday is an interesting show at Port City Music Hall - interesting because it’s an all-local lineup which rarely happens there.  You’ve got Conifer, Purse, S.S. Cretins and Feral playing there that night. Conifer, I guess, is sort of coming back from hiding/a hiatus at this show? It always sounds so mysterious when a band goes on hiatus for whatever reason, like it wasn’t just that someone had a baby or someone just didn’t feel like doing it anymore or someone got hooked on fucking heroin (please don’t ever do heroin, any of you, ever).  And then they do these comeback shows and it’s like, you know, this cosmic thing, like they just sort of emerge from the mist fully rehearsed and ready to rock when in reality, they probably had to get together a few times and tighten up the sound and figure out what songs to play and convince Brad or whomever that it’s worth it to like, do this man, come on, one show, and whatever else but LET’S NOT DESTROY THE MAGIC and just assume that the members of Conifer do not exist at this moment, but at the start of the show, they’ll just spring forth fully formed and slime-covered from the head of a Lovecraftian god that rises out of the floor at PCMH and births the band every time they play a show. This show is also interesting because S.S. Cretins are on the bill and they are decidedly not metal at all, they’re like, indie surf punk, while Conifer, Purse and Feral are all pretty weighty metal acts.  Not that those genres don’t belong together, but it’s like, you know, one of these kids is not like the others… I mean I dig that, it lightens up the bill a bit.  Whatever, anyway, go support our friends in these bands at this big venue that is very difficult to fill when you’re a local band.  Have fun, PCMH is like one of the best venues in America not joking, so quality and I love that damask wallpaper along the starboard wall.   

Saturday, October 10

Waking Windows is the only thing going on on Saturday that is local.  Well, there’s also this Breastfest Concert for a Cure thing, but… I know, good cause and all, that’s fine but it’s a less compelling show because there are only a couple of bands that play fairly often on the bill (Nuclear Bootz, Ray's Occult) so Waking Windows it is.  Waking Windows is frustrating to me because I feel that it was marketed poorly.  That’s not to take a jab at the promoters or whatever, but I kept seeing these photos of buoys everywhere that just said “Waking Windows” instead of oh I don’t know, something wildly innovative like “Waking Windows Local Music, Comedy and Arts Festival” and I was like, what the fuck is this crap, some kind of lighthouse landscape art fundraising event for rich people that come here via ferry and can afford to pay for parking that raises money for “the arts” and then not a single artist any of us know ever will see any of that money? Sidebar - who the fuck gets the money from the rich people for the arts thingies?  It’s other rich people isn’t it.  *LE SIGH*  Anyway, so Waking Windows is not that at all, though.  It’s a music, literature and art festival that celebrates only locals, but there has been so little press and explanation for the thing that I can see how you might mistake it for something else as I did.  Also, are they from Vermont?  Their about page says that the festie is a Vermont thing, but it is so clearly happening here in Portland.  Anyway, despite my irritation at being forced to ignore the marketing for this because buoys are a signifier of dull things around these parts, it’s SO INCREDIBLY WORTH THE MONEY.  There is a lit crawl and an artists’ gallery and all this other stuff, but we’re of a single mind here at HT:P so whatever, let’s just talk about the music aspect of it:

Here are the bands playing.  Ready?  Deep breath:


What a fucking lineup.  There's so much cool shit I haven’t yet seen.  That could keep me busy for days, I’m going to have to start training or doing burpees in my living room or some shit in order to pull all of this off.  

It is... but it isn't. 

The shows take place at a bunch of different venues around the city, including Empire, PHOME, Space, Bearded Lady, Local Sprouts, Tandem, Congress Square Park, Asylum and Blue.  For $20, you get to go to all of it, including the lit crawl and the comedy showcases.  

Here are my picks for what I’m most excited to see:

Tall Horse @ PHOME at 3:20pm

Sunset Hearts @ Congress Square Park at 4pm

Cheerwine @ Empire at 4:30 if only so I can finally see them with a real sound system

Foam Castles @ Space at 6:10

Butcher Boy @ Space at 7:10

There’s so much other great shit though, but I just am interested in seeing those acts specifically because I’m supposed to review one of them for another publication soon and I hear great things about some of them and then a couple of them I’ve seen on shit sound systems and I want to see them at real venues.  Anyway just go to the schedule and look at something, pick something you’ve never seen before, and just go.  Just like, close your eyes and jump into this pretty incredible day of art and music and literature.  I’m so excited!  Want company? Of course you don't!  But if the fear of rolling solo is keeping you in the house and away from all this cool crap, then hit up ol' VK, we'll go together, safety in numbers.  

In honor of rolling with your homies and also of evil internet rumors that get our hopes up only to let them die a sad, cynic's death. 

Ok babies, have a good weekend and just remember, tip your bartenders, be kind and compassionate to everyone you meet, yes everyone, and also sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide - I want to hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry, I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides. Have a great weekend!!