What the Fuck Should I Do Tonight: Anniversary Weekend Edition!

Greetings, Two-leggeds!  Yes, it’s true.  As of this posting, I have been here in the delightful burg of Portland, Maine for precisely one year.  ‘Twas a year ago that I looked Seattle right in the eye and said, “shove it up your big asshole… cuz I gotta go look at a mug.”

Follow your dreams to the max. Amen.

Or something like that.  Anyway, I could go on and on like one of those anniversary Facebook posts that’s like, “Five years ago, I said “I do” to the best husband in the world. My beloved partner Abelard, you’ve been my rock, my best friend, the father of our 11 beautiful babies and my good time lover and it’s only going to get better from here!  I love you, baby!”

Fuck off.  Seriously, shut up.  WE GET IT YOU ARE IN LUUUUURRRVE.  It’s your anniversary, you’re like, gotta do something spesh, right? Why don’t you go get some tips from this book and bake a fucking pie or maybe do this for your bae and leave the fucking internet out of it.  Leave me out of it.  Or do like all these musician assholes do and write a song about it and record the shit and make us all listen to it or worse, buy it on bandcamp or, you know what, whatever, nobody really cares about anyone else’s relationship.  You hear me, Internet!?!? NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  Nobody cares about my relationships either, it's fine, it's totally fine that's how it goes.  I mean I guess maybe your parents do and if you have kids, sure, they care.  So hang out with your parents or your kids.  Whatever, whatever, look, what I’m saying is I will not bore you with all the shit that has happened since I got here.  I’m not Tom Fucking Petty you guys don’t care. But I will say this: Portland is the best place to live in the whole world… just watch my dreams come true, this is something I was born to do, stepping out with a star, that star is YOUUUUUUUUU...errr POOOORRRTLANDDD!!!

Friday, October 16

You know… used to be, BACK IN THE DAY, that every great song had a crooner at the helm.  Even straight through mid-century America, until folk and punk and “atonal” types of music became popular, no doubt in a big giant “fuck you, mom” to the Frank Sinatras and Dinah Washingtons and Judy Garlands of the day. I always loved this clip of Daffy Duck using his Mel Torme spray before taking the stage.   

If Torme Spray actually existed, you can bet your ass I’d be spraying that shit all goddam day long.  Anyway, all this is to say that if you are doing punk, you’re not supposed to be a “good” singer.  But then there are the Iggy Pops and Lou Reeds (and Nicos) and Bob Dylans and Johnny Cashes and Wayne Coynes, these guys who are like… uh, yeah man, can’t sing, not a note.  So I’m just going to do it HOW IT WORKS FOR ME.  And then they find that groove in which they can sound fucking incredible while being an absolutely terrible singer.  HOW DO THEY DO IT?  Honestly, I don’t know.  Those who cannot DO teach. And those who cannot teach write shitty blogs.  

Anyway, there’s a voice in the mix at Portland House of Music and Events on Friday night that I don’t love.  I don’t think he’s found his “bad voice niche”  yet.  And you can’t just get away with not finding it just because your band is punk. Or maybe I’ve just not seen the right show.  Anyway, that band is Kaltenbrunner.  Battery Steele and an out of town band named Old Days also play this show. You know me, PHOME Is always a great bet, but I don’t know, this show doesn’t excite me for any reason. I can see Battery Steele or Kaltenbrunner almost any time and Old Days’ facebook cover photo just weirds me right on out.  Why is there a backwards white baseball cap in it? Why are there so many baseball caps in general?  Why is there only like one photo of you and why are all of your eyes red?  It all just screams “new band who may not have stage chops yet.”  And I’m a tired old shriveled prune of a human being, I can’t use my decaying, powder-like back and leg muscles for that, particularly for an out of town band.  HOWEVER you know my policy, Old Days, go get better and then send me a press release or some shit and I’ll come out then.      

 Me, arriving at your youthful rock and roll parties.

Me, arriving at your youthful rock and roll parties.

I tried to go to this THROWBACKS W/ Wisdom & DJ KTF party the last time they had it like a month ago but I walked in there and it was like, just a few people standing around drinking and not much dancing or revelry going on.  Which is weird, I had wanted to like, jump in there and do some of my late 90’s moves on y’all but I just didn’t catch the feeling.  Anyway, I might try it again if there is a chance to do so, it’s a Golden Era Hip Hop Dance Party with hip hop and R&B spanning from the late 80's to early 00's.  Totally great.  This worries me though:

“30 Minute Rotating Drink Special!!!! Every 30 minutes, Wisdom will announce a new Drink special.”

Yikes.  What if this game of russian drink roulette lands on something I really like for 30 minutes, does that mean I have to horde drinks, or - even worse - chug them in succession to ensure I get the most bang for the buck? I refuse.  I choose not to run.  

Oh look, Blue has Gunther Brown, Portland’s answer to Mumford and Sons but with, like, Rowlf from the Muppets as the lead singer!  

I read that, and I’m like, fuck that is a mean thing to say but I mean… I kind of nailed it?  Here, you be the judge:

Flask has Friction Fridays which is dubstep and drumnbass.  Not my thing, but you know what to do if it’s your thing.  

Do you ever feel like Geno’s is kind of like the Dennis the Menace of Portland clubs?  Like, every week, I’m like, “Let’s go see what Geno’s has!” and then I navigate to ye olde interwebs and there’s nothing listed for at least one day over the weekend, but I know Genos will be open and I know they’ll have SOMETHING so I’m just like, “Oh, GENOOOOS!  Again?  You lovable rapscallion!” And then I sort of tousle Genos’ hair and move on my way.  It’s basically like Geno’s is tracking muddy footprints across the living room carpet every week. 

If I wasn’t so in love with Geno’s, then I’d be mad but I can’t get mad at them. I love them so much.  Do you know I got Ouzo there a few days ago?!  Ouzo!  At Geno’s!  I swear they have just a marsupial pouch full of secrets you’ll never see coming.  

Salvage BBQ has King Day and His New Imperials.  There is literally nothing on the Internet about them.  Clearly they must be aliens here to kill us all from that new civilization that science found.  

And oh look, it’s my favorite local Donny Most, Travis James Humphrey at Dogfish!  I still haven’t seen him play, which is kind of unlikely and odd considering that he’s everywhere.  He’s been cloning himself no doubt.  He’s the Multiplicity of Portland music.  He’s the Orphan Black of singer/songwriters. 

Saturday October 17

Here is fun thing: Dementia Five Returns to Geno's! Eldemur Krimm & The Gamma Goochies!

Straight up, I really love Eldemur Krimm.  They’re heavy and punk and all that but like such old pros it’s such a joy to watch people in this stage of their art perform. They’re just smooth and well rounded and there’s not a hint of pretension and they just know they’re good and are comfortable in that, it’s the best.  I’ve not yet seen the Gamma Goochies but I look forward to it, this show is on my hit list for the weekend.  Dementia Five seems to be orchestrating the thing, so I suspect the bill will look something like Gamma Goochies early, Krimm in the middle and then Dementia 5 doing the late night.  I don’t know, that’s a best guess.  Anyway that’s at Geno’s for Saturday night.

Dogfish has something called The Heated.  Salvage has the Juke Joint Devils. I’m sorry I don’t feel like writing about either of those shows but I love both of those venues and if I am hungry for food (as opposed to my normal diet of sex, drugs and rock and roll) at some point on Saturday, I may see these bands while I eat.  Or not. Who the fuck cares.   

Empire has locals The Box Tiger opening for two touring bands, Wild Adriatic and Let’s Be Leonard, whose band names I love and hate, respectively.  The Box Tiger is a great band name tho.  The Box Tiger has Cam Jones from Worried Well in it, as well as a ladysinger/guitar player who sounds like Karen O, which for me, can either be a good thing or a bad thing depending on my mood.  Also Karen O and pretty much the rest of the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s were total bitches to me when I tried to interview them after their show years ago.  Whatever, they were probably tired and just wanted a banana with some peanut butter and a big water, the best and most refreshing snack for after exerting yourself.  I don’t hold grudges.  Anyway, the ticket price on this will be a little bit girthy if you don’t want to see all three bands, but if you are doing one or the other of the touring acts, come early for TBT.  

Flask tonight has Future Classic, a bi-monthly event that focuses on bass-tronica.  No cover.  Features this guy:

Sunday, October 18

Speaking of DJs, let’s go to brunch at the Honey Paw and listen to my favorite local DJ Mosart212 serve us up some hot and tasty breakfast realness.  Honey Paw says they’re doing large format cocktails now.  I’ll let you google what that means yourself if you’re interested, but basically I’ma ask now and then not bring it up again: who’s up to share a 64 oz bowl of punch with me on Sunday morning?  Anyone?  

Also, on Sunday night - TRVP Night has moved to PHOME?  I feel like the windows are weird for that.  Do we cover the windows?   

Ok, lovers.  Look, have a good weekend alright, and as I sit here finishing the last little tumbler of my delicious bottle of $5 wine in celebration of one glorious year in Portland, I want you to give me the best anniversary gift of all: drive safely and don’t drink and drive.  Never, in fact, drink and drive.  Also, be kind and compassionate to everyone around you even if you don’t like them.  And look out for each other.  And tip your bartenders.  And buy me Ouzo my new favorite drink.

Your body is a wonderland.